Finding Her Way
by Becominglight
Summary: Clara has been at an impasse when it comes to moving forward with her feelings for Marina but when she ends up posing nude for her on a shoot for a Parisienne exhibition, she takes that first step that will unravel her life as she knows it.
1. Chapter 1

So as I'm starting to write this we haven't had the surgery yet and I'm using some of the spoilers to situate this fanfic. Please forgive anything I've missed or changed to what has since happened. Other than that everything up to this point in their storyline is taken from Canon including how Clara has been portrayed with Cadu – so she is affectionate and concerned for him. No sex, but just fyi, in case it makes you hurl to think of Clara loving Cadu...

The reason for this fic is I was rewatching the early episodes and when Marina said she would like to photograph Clara and Cadu naked and I was like, I would like to see that (minus Cadu) and it will never happen on the show, so I wanted to explore that idea (hehehehehehe) and the consequences of something like that happening... Also how there are no English fics for Clarina yet is beyond me, so I thought, why not give it a go?

I aim to post a chapter a week and I've planned the arc of the story but not sure how long it will run. A good dozen chapters at least.

Finally no beta, all mistakes are mine.

Enjoy and comments, likes and rebloggs most appreciated!

FINDING HER WAY

CHAPTER ONE

It had been a month and a half. It felt like a year.

Marina sat at the desk in her photography studio, her laptop glowing ghostly white against her pale skin. She unconsciously tucked a mesh of hair behind her ear and refreshed her inbox. Nothing. She sighed and sipped her wine, unfolding herself from her chair, arching back and feeling the tension ease in her spine. Normally she would ask Vanessa to massage her, but things have been strained between them ever since that day when they had faught because she hadn't wanted to finish the shoot with the pregnant women. Things had only worsened when she'd canceled her shoot to be with Clara in the hospital, when Cadu had received his new heart, and Vanessa had asked Flavina to take the photos instead of listening to her. The act had felt so deliberately calculated to hurt her, no matter that they came out well.

They'd submitted the final material for the campaign just today, just on time and Marina knew it was only thanks to Vanessa that they'd managed it but if she were honest, she didn't care. She didn't seem to care for much these days, except for those emails, texts and those precious few late night phone calls made in whispers. She lived for the sound of Clara's husky voice on the end of the line made soft with longing and all the things left unsaid. It was unlike her and she'd tried to fight it but she'd finally discovered something in her life that was bigger than her. At times she felt like a rag doll tossed on a stormy sea, unsure of when she'd find solid ground again, unsure of where she'd find the strength to stay afloat but a smile, a word, a touch from Clara and she knew she'd endure so much more to have her near. She wondered if this was pure folly or if it was the bravest thing she'd ever done. She didn't know. All she knew was that she would endure it all until she couldn't endure it any longer.

She hadn't seen Clara in a week, since she'd dropped by the bistro to have lunch with her. They'd both been so busy with work.

She clicked the refresh button one more time and her heart lept when she saw she had mail and as quickly sank when she saw it wasn't from her. She opened it anyway - it was from Edouard St Pierre the curator of the Centre National de la Photographie in Paris. She had done some work with them a few years back, a series of naked portraits she'd shot on culture and ethnicity as part of a larger exhibition for emerging female photographers. Her work had been well received and she and Edouard had remained on friendly terms. Sitting down she began to read. It seemed he needed her help with a project for the 'Mois de Photographie' festival happening next month. A photographer had pulled out last minute and left him in the lurch, could she step in?

"You still up?"

Clara looked up to see Vanessa standing in the half light of the door. Her untamed auburn hair glowed dully, framing her porcelain face. She wore a pinched look, her favoured expression of late, making her already sharp face look more angular.

"It's e-mail for Edouard St Pierre, if you must know."

"Really?"

Vanessa moved to read over her shoulder.

"You'll do it of course." she said when she had finished reading.

"I suppose you'll make me."

"We need the money and this is well paid."

"Yes, I know. Enough about money!"

"I'll stop going on about money when we don't have debtors banging on our door."

"Well, I don't know that I want go to Paris for a week."

"Marina! For the love of God, please stop acting like a petulant child, nothing will change while you are gone..."

"I'm going to bed." Marina said shutting the lid of her laptop. Their conversations seemed to have fallen into predictable patterns and she didn't want to go there yet again. They both knew why she didn't want to go anywhere and it would only lead to another fight. She finished the last of her wine and moved towards the door.

"Be sure to have your phone on you when he calls tomorrow." Vanessa called after her.

Marina waved over her shoulder and disappeared through the doorway to bed.

Xxx

Clarina had been up since 5 am. She'd laid out breakfast, cleaned the kitchen, prepared Ivan's school lunch and, while waiting for him to get ready for school, had begun the tedious task of sorting through the bistro's supplier bills. She tapped the end of her pencil against the stack as she read through the cost breakdown and circled an amount from a crate of tomatoes. Their fresh produce provider had given them an over ripe crate a couple of weeks before and then avoided replacing it. Clara had hesitated to chase it up but Helena had been adamant that she needed to or else he'd just start sending more spoiled goods. So she'd steeled herself and called him again. He'd agreed to send out a replacement but here he was trying to charge for it. She wished Cadu was well enough to do this, he was so good at charming people and he would have had the grocer eating out of his hand. And though she could approach the work at the bistro with a friendly, positive demeanour, she'd never had to think about these sorts of details before. She'd always been the one who kept things at home in order so that Cadu could see to business – or rather various businesses he'd started up in their ten years together.

She stamped the invoice with the date and placed it to the side to follow it up and moved onto the next one with a sigh. As she inputted the invoice amount into the computer software she hesitated a moment and, looking to the bedroom door, clicked open her email tab and began to write:

_Dearest Marina, _

_I am sitting at the dining room table looking at bistro invoices and wishing I was getting ready to come to the studio like I used to. I hope it's not too long before I can return again, I feel the walls of the apartment and the bistro closing in on me with every day and your photography studio has always been like a breath of fresh air to me. I can't wait to start breathing again._

_Cadu is improving but progress is slow. He slept fitfully last night and I have to remind him to take his medication most of the time. I guess he just needs rest, he's still sleeping 15 hours a day but his body seems to have accepted the heart and I'm beginning to feel confident there is an end in sight. Thank God. _

_Did you get the photos in yesterday? Were you happy with them? I loved the ones of the pregnant women you sent me, especially that one where the taller woman was looking down, her hands resting on her swollen belly... I don't know how you did it but you captured such strength and such vulnerability in the same moment. Maybe it was how the light played off on her skin or the curve of her eyelashes but it seemed to me she embodied the essence of woman – so powerful and yet capable of such softness. _

_I hope this project has helped pay off the creditors you told me about and that there will be more projects like this to help keep things afloat. I'm proud of how you've stepped up this challenge, I guess we are both being forced by circumstance to find strength we didn't know we possessed._

_Kisses_

_Clara._

As she tapped the final words, Ivan, rubbing his eyes, ambled to the table and sat down at his customary spot next to her. Clara closed the lid of her laptop.

"Morning, mum" Ivan said.

"Morning, my darling" she said and kissed his soft cheek. She loved the way he smelled in the morning, warm sleepy skin and something that was all his own. "Eggs?" she asked.

"No, cereal, mum." he said and proceeded to pour himself a bowl. "Can I watch TV?"

"You know the answer to that."

"Awww, mum"

"It's a bad habit that your father has allowed but don't get used to it."

"Fine." he said a little huffy.

"Besides, you have fifteen minutes before I drop you off at grand-ma's"

She had an agreement with her mum who was taking him to school because she had to be at the bistro at 7.30am most days. They had hired a cook temporarily who arrived at 5.30am to do prep but she needed to ensure everything was going smoothly, write up the specials, deal to the produce deliveries and ensure they were ready for their 9am opening time. She would often stay until she had to pick Ivan up from school and then it was getting him to his after school classes, running errands and tending to Cadu.

She went to check on him and was relieved to see that he had fallen asleep properly. He would probably wake late morning and then she would call him to make sure he was okay. Seeing him in his hospital bed only six short weeks ago had frightened her more than she cared to admit. She kissed his forehead and went to collect her gear for the long day ahead.

Xxxx

Marina had spoken with Edourad for over an hour. The project had her feeling inspired, excited even and had finally given him a conditional yes to doing the project. Vanessa had hovered within ear shot the entire time under the pretense of tidying away the lights from their last photoshoot and had shot her a sharp look when she finally hung up.

"A conditional yes?"

"Vanessa, please, don't start."

She picked up her bag and slipped on her shoes.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going out. I'll come back and then I'll let him know if I'll do the project."

She walked out, glad to be away from Vanessa's disapproving eyes.

Xxxx

The lunchtime rush had died down. Clara was taking opportunity of the lull to polish the cutlery while she mentally went through a list of things she needed to do. Glasses, she needed to get a few boxes, they'd already had a few breakages and they'd run low on them today. The food order needed to be finished in the next hour and sent off and she needed to finish processing those invoices for payment - she hadn't had a moment to see to them all morning. She also needed to talk to the chef before she left about the holondaise sauce.

It was as she was putting putting the cutlery away below the bar that she heard her voice.

"Hello, Clara."

She paused a moment, surprised by the way her heart leapt and her breath caught. She rose and she beheld that precious face, that smile, those eyes.

"Marina."

She circled the bar and pulled her into her arms, feeling Marina melt into her, relishing the sensation. She felt tension she hadn't even know she had washing away in waves and a sense of stillness suffused her as though this was ground zero and she'd been floating out somewhere far away. She buried her head in her hair, breathed in the familiar scent. It felt so good she wanted to cry.

"Let me look at you." Clara said and pulled back. With a hand on each cheek, she took a moment to study Marina's face. "Hi."

"Hi."

They smiled and then laughed. Clara felt a little giddy.

"It feels like years since I saw you, not a week." Marina said.

"It does. I'm so glad you're here. I've missed you terribly."

"Me too."

"Have you suffered as I've suffered?" Clara whispered leaning in.

"Yes."

"I believe you."

They stood still a moment and then stepped apart, aware, suddenly, that they were in the middle of a busy bistro.

"A drink?"

"Just a water, thank you."

Clara moved to the bar.

"Did you get my email this morning?"

"I did. I haven't had a chance to reply, you see I was on the phone to a contact of mine in Paris and he's asked me to step in last minute for a fantastic photographic exhibition."

"That's fabulous!"

"It is! The project is exactly the sort of thing I love to do. They want me to create a series on women and the five elements of fire, earth, water, air and ether."

"Sounds fascinating."

"Oh Clarinha," Marina said, a light sparkling in her large brown eyes, "when he was telling me about it, I just knew exactly how I would do it. I want to do it on location and use each element to blend it with the female body. I can feel it in my bones, this could be something really special."

"And how long do you have?"

"I would have two weeks before the exhibition opens. But I haven't said yes yet."

"Why on earth not?"

"I need your help. With the deadline so close, I need everyone I can get on board." Marina said leaning forward on the counter and placing her hand on Clara's. "I know you have all these responsibilities...but is there any chance you could spare a couple of days to come and shoot on location with me?"

Clara's instinct was to say yes but she hesitated, her mind calculating all the things she had to do but mostly wondering if she could leave Cadu. She rubbed her thumb over Marina's hand sighed.

"Please, Clarinha. Vanessa has been difficult, I need someone on my side there."

Clara looked at Marina's sweet face and she felt, as she gazed at her, how much she wanted to be there for her. How much she wanted to be there for herself. She had never known this about herself, but she enjoyed working. She enjoyed the challenge. Even though the bistro wasn't her dream and there were things she found onerous about managing it in Cadu's absence, she also found that she had a head for organisational management. She was good with patrons. She could keep her head when the rush hour arrived and she had to juggle ten things at the same time. She was also so grateful that in spite of her frequent absences, late starts and early finishes due to Cadu's illness, Marina had kept her job open for her.

"You know what? Yes. I will come. Just let me talk to Veronica and see if she can oversee the bistro while I'm away."

"Yay!" Marina said and clapped her hands, "I'll let Edourad know that I'll do it. It'll be so much fun. And don't worry about being part of the prep, I'll get the girls to sort it all out. You just show up for the shoot."

She pulled out her yellow phone from her bag and dialed the parisienne number. By the time she had finished her conversation, Clara was back from chatting with Veronica and her beaming face was confirmation enough.

XXX

Marina returned home with a smile on her face. An exciting project was just what she needed right now to take her mind off all the things she couldn't change in her life and she's secured Clara's participation. That was something to be happy about. Already textures, colours and light were suffusing the creative landscape of her mind.

"Vanessa!" she called out as she entered the studio to find her friend bent over a pile of paperwork.

"Ah, finally, Marina." she turned and scrutinised Marina a moment. "You were at the bistro, weren't you?"

"Maybe."

"I can tell. You have that look about you."

"Your right. I was. And Clara said she'd come for the shoot."

"You asked Clara to come on the shoot with you? That's the reason for your conditional yes?" Vanessa asked incredulously

"Van, I need all my assistants."

"We can do without her, Marina."

"Well I don't want to, okay? At least I said yes to the project, that should keep you happy."

Vanessa bit back a retort and sighed. "Fine. Yes, I'm glad. It'll pay off some bills. But we need to plan a budget for this and stick to it, okay?"

"Okay." Marina said coyly.

"Oh no, don't give me that tone missy, we will stick to a budget!"

"So I want to shoot as soon as possible," Marina said ignoring Vanessa's pointed gaze, "so we need to get straight onto selecting our models. Where's the number for Ford?"

Marina called Patricia, their go to lady who had supplied models for all of their latest shoots. She placed the emphasis on getting real women, imperfections desired.

"I want to celebrate women of all ages. Not just 20 year olds who have no life experience. I want to feel their lives in their eyes. I want to show the sensuality and mystery of women, their strength and their vulnerability." Marina said. "Yes, I'll send you over a brief as soon as I have it finalised. Ciao."

She turned to Vanessa.

"Let's plan this" she said and her enthusiasm was too palatable for Vanessa to stay upset at her.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO

Cadu commented on Clara's good humor the moment she walked in the door. She kissed his forehead affectionately and asked about his day which had been the same as all the others since he left hospital. He was in good spirits and had more energy, which was a relief to see, and he sat at the counter as she made dinner. He had been so weak after the transplant, with barely enough energy to turn over in bed. He'd seemed old then, so much older than the virile man that had courted her over ten years ago. Perhaps it was seeing mortality so clearly before her that frightened her the most. But he was getting stronger, that's what mattered.

When Cadu found out the reason for her good humor, Clara saw his face tighten. He didn't say anything though and she was glad. She didn't want to fight.

The morning of the shoot dawned with a crisp sky and a pleasant breeze. From the taxi she watched the city awash with liquid gold as it rose up from the ocean to kiss the clouds and she closed her eyes to bath in it as the car sped down Avenida Atlantica, breathing deep and long, her forest green nail-polish hand pressed to her heart, it felt like this was the first moment she'd had to herself in weeks and it felt so good.

When she arrived she found Vanessa with a list, ticking off items that were laid out for the day. She looked at her watch to check the time before she threw Clara a cool look and handed her a schedule and a list of responsibilities. She wordlessly returned to her job. Marina was standing at the bench checking her camera equipment, her eyes sleepy behind her thick framed glasses. Clara murmured hello as she slid up behind her, kissing her cheek.

Giselle had yet to arrive and the model was already in make-up with Flavinha. Clara busied herself running back and forth between the cars and studio, loading equipment. By 6.45am she was done and by 7am everyone was accounted for and they were pulling out of the driveway in direction of Prainha Beach.

They arrived to find the place almost deserted. The tide was high and the water turquoise, small waves crashing rhythmically and rustling the white grains of sand. A deep, clear blue sky was framed by the sloping, tree-covered hills either side of the beach and the sun barely above the horizon. Marina clapped her hand in excitement and proclaimed it perfect. They quickly unloaded the car and set up by an outcrop of boulders that divided the beach in half. Everyone worked efficiently and in no time the model was being lead down the path to take her position in the water. They were to shoot the element of water first with a forty something model called Anya. When choosing Marina had known instantly that she was the one. Her eyes matched the ocean and her pale skin could have been formed from the sand itself. She was beautiful, but it was a beauty that came not from perfection but from the way in which she held herself, from a sensuality that comes with experience. Anya wore a single transparent length of chiffon material draped over her body, aqua-green like the ocean. At first she sat a little self-consciously but between Clara and Giselle, who held the lighting reflectors and diffusers, Flavinha who was on stand-by make-up, Vanessa on camera assist and Marina behind her camera lens, they joked with such good humor that soon the nakedness was forgotten.

Clara watched Marina as she worked, taking her time to set up each shot until she was happy, crouching down in the waves, uncaring that she was getting as wet as her model, her warmth and charm effortlessly establishing the intimate rapport between photographer and model so necessary for getting the shots she wanted. She could see Anya falling under Marina's spell and as she did any inhibitions seem to float away with the outgoing tide. The photos would look amazing.

The second element was air. They had found a striking fifty something woman, her skin as dark as black chocolate. She was tall like a Masai queen, her skin smooth and her breasts heavy. The chiffon material was blue like the azure sky, flying out behind her in the breeze. She stood boldly on a large rock as Marina walked around with her camera tilted up to frame out the beach. She seemed uncaring of who could see her. Clara couldn't help but be impressed at the way she owned the experience. She spread her arms wide and closed her eyes and seemed to become free like a bird on the wind.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Marina asked as she sat down on the sand next to Clara with her cup of coffee and a plate of food. It was lunchtime and they had stopped for a break while they waited for their thirty-something model to arrive.

Clara smiled and looked out at sea that ran away to the horizon.

"Oh, Marina. You make it look so easy, like it's a matter of picking up a camera and clicking a button. And then I see the pictures and I see such depth and artistry, such skill."

"I know we had to stop our photography lessons due to circumstances, but I want to keep teaching you. You have talent, Clara. I would love for you to develop it."

"Thank you." Clara said, feeling shy at the compliment, "I would love that."

"Done." Marine leaned in close to her ear, sending delicious shivers down to her fingertips as she said, "Stick with me and together we can reach the stars."

She slipped her hand into Clara's and laid her head on her shoulder and they sat in comfortable silence looking at the ocean. As they sat, Vanessa's tense voice drifted down from the road.

"What do you mean she won't be able to make it?...Oh... okay...No. I'll talk with Marina first. I'll call you right back."

"What is it, Van?" Marina called out as the Vanessa came to join them on the beach.

Vanessa clocked their interlaced hand and she pursed her lips, shooting Clara a withering look. "Our model isn't coming."

"What do you mean she isn't coming?"

"She just received notice of a bereavement as she was on her way here and has turned back to fly out for a funeral."

"Oh. That's terrible."

"Tell me about it. I mean, of course she has to go but we simply don't have time to reschedule a shoot for when she's back." Vanessa ran her hand through her hair. "Patricia wanted to know if we wanted to call in our second choice."

Marina shook her head. "She just wasn't right, Van."

"No, she wasn't."

"None of the other choices were."

"No."

"Damn it!" Marina stood up and paced a few steps. "How can we sort this out?"

"We need to shoot something today or tomorrow. Possibly the next day. Anything later than that and the perspex prints in Paris won't be ready in time for the opening..."

"Okay. Okay...Van, call up a few agencies. Get them to send through what they've got immediately."

"Sure."

Vanessa moved away, dialing her cellphone as she did. Marina continue to pace back and forth as she bit her nail.

"What can I do, Marina?" Clara asked.

"I can't let Edourad down."

"No, of course not."

Clara could see Marina winding herself tighter like a coil with each passing second. She rose and took her hands.

"Take a moment, breath. Just listen to the waves on the beach," Clara said, "soothing and calm. Everything will be okay."

Marina closed her eyes and took a breath.

"These other agencies will get you the perfect woman and you can shoot tomorrow afternoon." Clara continued.

"You're right. I'm over reacting. We can still get this done."

"Yes. I know you can."

"I think I'm just stressed out about money and everything to do with dad." Marina said. She drew another deep breath and smiled. "Okay. I'm better. Thank you."

"Now, what can I do?" Clara asked.

"Nothing unless you want to be my model." Marina said lightly. Clara laughed and then peered at her, unsure if that was a joke. Marina looked back at her.

"I...uh...I...are you serious?" she asked.

"I don't imagine you'd say yes, but you embody exactly what I want for the earth element. If I could have anyone, I'd want it to be you."

Clara turned crimson and lowered her eyes. "I... uh...I'm flattered...but..."

Marina laughed. "It's ok, Clarinha, I'm not asking." She peered at Clara's face, "Unless you want to do it. In which case I am."

"Oh..."

Marina kissed each of Clara's hand in turn.

"I'm going to see how Vanessa's getting on." she said and walked down the beach, Clara's eyes following her.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE

"_Nothing unless you want to be my model." Marina said lightly. Clara laughed and then peered at her, unsure if that was a joke. Marina looked back at her._

"_I...uh...I...are you serious?" she asked._

"_I don't imagine you'd say yes, but you embody exactly what I want for the earth element. If I could have anyone, I'd want it to be you."_

_Clara turned crimson and lowered her eyes. "I... uh...I'm flattered...but..."_

_Marina laughed. "It's ok, Clarinha, I'm not asking." She peered at Clara's face, "Unless you want to do it. In which case I am."_

"_Oh..."_

_Marina kissed each of Clara's hand in turn._

"_I'm going to see how Vanessa's getting on." she said and walked down the beach, Clara's eyes following her._

Clara stood rooted in place as a jumble of ping-pong ball thoughts bounced around her head. Like a wind that ruffled the leaves on the trees in passing, Marina always seemed to stir something in her. She chided herself for even entertaining the offer for a second. It was wild, ludicrous and not her at all. A photo shoot like the one she had had with Marina when they'd met was one thing. To pose naked as part of an exhibition destined for Paris was another. Unthinkable! She inhaled swiftly and followed Marina up to the road.

Without a model there was nothing more for them to do but pack up and return to the studio, and she set to work with gusto.

"We're going out for a drink and to plan for tomorrow if you'd like to join us." Marina asked as Clara was set to leave the studio an hour later.

"Oh no, I have to go, I'll go check on the bistro and Cadu..." Clara said as she rummaged around in her bag.

"Clara... what's wrong?" Marina came to stand against the door frame and reached out for her hand.

"Nothing's wrong, I just have a lot of things to do and since we finished early..."

"You haven't looked at me since we left the beach. "

"I..."

"I didn't want to make you uncomfortable."

"No!" Clara exclaimed, looking at her, "It's not that I'm uncomfortable... I just, the idea of..."

"Makes you uncomfortable...I know, Clarinha, I get you. That's why I said I wasn't asking."

Clara laughed and ducked her head. "You know me too well, it seems..."

"So it seems." Marina replied, her smile pleased.

"I want you to know that... I want to do this for you, Marina, because I want to help you. But I can't... Oi! I would be so embarrassed!" she exclaimed her hand to her cheek, "all those people would see me...and Cadu..."

"Doesn't own you."

"No, he doesn't." she said soberly. "And I wish I was that brave. But you will find a model and she will be perfect."

"I'm sure she will be. Just not as perfect as you." Marina said, stepping in and tucking Clara's hair behind her ear. "I love that you want to do it for me, though. That means a lot."

Her thumb lingered on Clara's cheek and her eyes seemed to drink her in. It was intoxicating to be wanted that much, to see such desire reflected in Marina's eyes for her. It made her breath hitch and her stomach flutter.

"So will you come for a drink?" Marina murmured and her eyes shifted to Clara's lips. Clara wondered if she was about to kiss her and the thought prickled down her spine. She'd though about it so many times at night when sleep evaded her. She'd imagined how soft it would be to press her lips to Marina's. To suck that plump lower lip. To taste her. She'd wondered how it would feel to run her hands over her feminine curves,to touch the smooth skin with her finger tips. The thought excited her, thrilled her. It also frightened her.

"I really should go." she murmured slowly, breaking the silence that had fallen upon them, "Tomorrow is a very early start. You'll call me and let me know you've found someone?"

"Yes. See you tomorrow." Marina said blinking slowly.

"See you tomorrow."

Xxx

"Did something happen today at work, my love?" Cadu asked as they sat in front of the television that night. He was laid out on the couch, his legs resting on her lap.

"Hmmm?" Clara said after a moment's pause.

"You're miles away. And you've been checking your phone ever since you got home"

"Oh, things just got thrown off wack a little at the photo shoot because our model didn't arrive and it's a very tight deadline. We'll have to make up for it tomorrow. Marina is meant to call me and let me know they've got a replacement."

Cadu watched her a moment.

"That's not why you're looking worried."

"I'm not worried!" Clara said inhaling sharply and smiling. "If I was going to worry about something, it would be the fact you've been sneaking one too many glasses of orange juice and eating cheese and crackers. Don't think I haven't noticed."

"I have not!" Cadu said with mock shock, "I am a good patient. I eat everything my nurse makes for me."

"Plus a little extra." she said. "Don't! It's important you treat your heart right,Cadu, I don't want to go back to that hospital and see you so sick again, it kills me."

"You'll have to stay at home and catch me red handed before I'll admit to that!"

"I just might!"

Clara tapped his leg and turned to pick up her phone as it rang.

"Marina?" she said, pressing the red lip covered phone to her ear, "You've got someone? Oh, thank God... Well, I'm sure she'll be better than you expect...yes, that's not a problem. What time do you think...? Okay, I'll have mum pick Ivan up from school. I'm so glad it's working out..." Clara laughed and she cocked her head, "Yes...Okay, I'll see you tomorrow at 4.15, bright and early. Yes, I'll go to bed in a moment so I can be fresh. Okay, sleep tight, kisses."

Five minutes later she hung up from talking with her mum, conscious of Cadu looking at her. She shifted a little and placing her phone down, turned back to the TV.

"Come back to me, Clara." Cadu said quietly.

"What do you mean, my love. I'm here."

"You know what I mean."

She frowned and took a beat before replying "What do you mean?"

The words were said softly, sadly "I miss how we used to be."

The words hung there between them a little too long, siphoning away the companionable warmth of the evening.

"Tell me, what's going on, Clara."

"I'm here, Cadu." she said lightly, "Every day, I'm here. I was there at the hospital, I'm here looking after you, I'm at the bistro so you don't worry." She looked at him and she couldn't stand the wounded look in his eye, like a child, beseeching her for answers. "Is this because I chose to go on this shoot?"

"I never said a word about you going on this shoot."

"You didn't have to Cadu. Your face said it all."

"I want to know you still belong to me, Clara. I want to know that you are with me and want to be with me."

"Belong...?" Clara said and stood up, her hand to her forehead, "I don't belong to anyone, Cadu, not even you! Belong? We've talked about this before, I am not your property. You insult me with this word!"

"Clara – you know what I mean, I mean that you are still my wife, as I am your husband, in here." He jabs at his chest.

"Haven't I proven this again and again? I love you, Cadu. I tell you this. I show you this and still you doubt me! Stop it! I have changed. Things have changed. This happens. People grow, we can't stay the same we were when we married. And I like these changes, Cadu. I feel better about who I am. Don't make me feel bad about that."

"I don't want to make you feel bad about that, Clara. I just don't understand! These changes, they take you away from me. I don't know how to get you back..."

"Support me!" she said, "support me like I support you!"

"I do! You go to the studio and work for Marina, don't you? You're on this photo shoot, aren't you?"

"You say it as though you're allowing me to do this. Cadu, you don't allow me or not allow me to do things, I am my own person! How many times have you reproached me for working at the studio? You tolerate my job because you know I won't give it up."

"You mean won't give Marina up."

"God in heavens." Clara exclaimed, throwing her hands up, " I need you to be happy for me, Cadu, not tolerant. I need you to be happy that I am discovering who I really am."

"You're thirty-six, Clara."

"What does age have to do with it?"

"You are a mother, a wife, a daughter. You have a responsibility."

"Yes!" Clara cried, "To myself. I have a responsibility to myself to be the best me I can be."

The tears had sprung to her eyes and she turned away, Trying to blink them away.

"We can't freeze time, Cadu." she said, "No matter how much either one of us wants to. Things are changing and we have to change with it, otherwise we won't survive."

She turned to look at him, her heart squeezing in her chest. He sat there, his face turned away. He felt so far away from her and she didn't know how to reach him.

"I'm going to bed. I have an early call time." she said and hung back a second, but when Cadu said nothing, she to the bedroom.

Xxx

Clara lay in bed awake. Beside her, Cadu slept deeply and she looked at him for a long time. He was so familiar to her. The very sound of his breath was known intimately by her. She remembered the day she'd first seen him on Copacabana beach with her friends and he'd looked over and smiled. Their first date in the warm summer air in a little bistro he loved. The day he'd gotten down on his knees and asked for her hand. The first time he'd held their son in his arms. Her heart ached at these memories because they were so precious. He was precious. But she couldn't deny as she lay there in the dark that somehow it wasn't enough. She loved him so much and yet it wasn't enough to still this restlessness in her heart, a restlessness she hadn't even realised she had - to do something. And somehow this something was tied up inextricably with Marina.

If she was honest, it was in that first moment, when their eyes had met in the art gallery and their souls had somehow reached out to each other amongst all the others in the room that something inside her had roared awake and made her unable to look away. This was it, this was it, her heart had whispered but it was so new and so different that she hadn't known how to explain it to herself. All she knew was she felt more alive than she ever remembered feeling. She felt invincible and weak at the knees. It felt good. It felt amazing even. How could she turn away from that? If she had learned anything in her life it was that emotions, the ones that live deep inside the heart, they were the ones you listened to. They were the whispering of angels, the compass by which you navigated and to ignore them was to ignore God's gentle guidance.

She felt that stirring in her heart now, the one that had quietly and consistently spoken up since she'd met Marina, telling her she was more than what she lived at this moment. That there was a side to her that she needed to get to know. One that frightened and enticed her in the same breath. This is it, this is it...

She reached for her phone and sent a text;

'If you still want me to be your model, I'll do it.'

She pressed send before she could think and collapsed back into her pillow, the red lips of her phone cover pressed to her beating heart and she breathed deeply. She couldn't believe she'd just done that but it was done and she knew she wouldn't turn back. Then she turned on her side and tried to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR

Marina was looking to the door every few minutes. She stood at her work station, carefully cleaning her lenses again, just in case she'd missed an errant grain of sand from the day before.

"What time is it, Van?" she asked.

"It's two minutes later than last time you asked. 4.13."

"Oh." Marina said and returned to her equipment, breathing onto the lens and wiping the micro fiber cloth in gentle circles.

"What's up?"

"Nothing's up."

"Uh-hu and I'm now dating a man. Seriously. What's up?"

"I just hope that Clara comes today."

Vanessa rolled her eyes. "Why wouldn't she?"

Marina didn't respond at first but when Vanessa just stood there she said;

"Clara said she'd model for the earth element and I'm afraid she's changed her mind."

"What do you mean she said she'd be a model for the earth element?"

"I said I would love to use her even though I figure she'd never say yes. But after we found our model last night, she sent me a text and said she'd do it."

"Oh my god, Marina..."

"What?"

"Are you crazy? Do you get how fucked up that is?"

"What!? She'd be perfect."

"Yes, she would probably be perfect...but using her when there's this...thing between you, are you completely crazy?"

"Why is that an issue, I have a job I want to do."

"And you're using that to what? Get her naked? To seduce her from behind your camera lens?"

"Don't be vulgar, how dare you!" Marina said, turning to face Vanessa, her face thunderous, "This has nothing to do with seducing her, I want to shoot the best photos I can and don't tell me that the model we've settled on would be better. You know she's not. Clara is exactly what I wanted from the start, I just never thought I could have her."

"Fine... you know what, fine, you do this...thing..." Vanessa replied "but don't expect me to be handing you your lenses while you make love to her from behind your camera."

"I don't imagine she'd want you there."

"Crazy, bloody, fucking crazy." Vanessa said as she marched away "I'm going to check the food."

She almost ran into Clara while exiting through the studio door and Clara watched as she disappeared. Then she turned to look at Marina.

"Hi."

"Hi."

The tension of the room dissipated instantly and they smiled shyly at each other from across the room. Marina thought Clara looked so beautiful in the half-light of the studio.

"Everything okay?" Clara asked, gesturing in the direction Vanessa had just taken as she moved closer.

"Yes. Vanessa is..." She said, shaking her head and taking a breath. "But more important – how are you?"

Clara smiled and dipped her head.

"Scared."

"You're really going to do this?"

"I can't believe I'm saying this! But yes. I'm really going to do this."

"Because once I cancel our model, there's not changing your mind, okay?"

Clara screwed up her nose. "Okay." she said and exhaled with a laugh.

"What changed you mind?"

"I realised I can't live my life with fear." She said and stepped in close. She looked at her, her eyes a deep liquid brown, and studied Marina's face. "I want to be brave for once."

"You are brave, so very brave." Marina said and intertwined their fingers.

"I want to be." Clara said. Marina felt the heat from Clara's body and it sent goosebumps up spine. She was so close, all she had to do was lean forward those last few centimeters and kiss those lips but she held back. She bit her lip instead and she saw Clara's eyes dart down and for a moment, her breath sucking in. And then she pulled away.

"But enough!" Clara said, "Let's not talk about it! it'll only make me think too much and I don't want to think. I want to do."

She turned to pick up the the check list and went to see the car was loaded properly.

Xxx

Vanessa had organised for them to be allowed up Corcovado mountain at 4.45 and were escorted up the dark winding road that lead to the imposing statue of Chris the Redeemer. The area was deserted, unlike the bustling daytime hours when thousands of tourists flocked to see the man made wonder overlooking Rio de Jainero. The birds were yet quiet in the trees and the dawn of the day hung breathless just around the corner. The scraping of their feet on the ground amplified in their ears and they shouldered camera equipment, lights and a generator in silence. They made their way up the stairs to the balcony that extended out along the cliff beneath the Chris. They had about an hour and set to work setting up for when the sun would rise, a red ball of fire above the horizon. They had some lights to illuminate the models face and reflectors to bounce the rising sun's rays. Their twenty-something model, Sonya was wrapped up in her robe, ready to go and Marina spoke with her at length to ensure they captured exactly what they wanted. At 5.45 she had Flavinah do a last make up and hair check and then had Sonya take up her position and began to warm her up, testing the fan to get the exact effect of the orange and red chiffon that was the element of fire flying up as she arched on the stone barrier.

"Perfect, perfect!" Marina cried.

Then it was 6.16 and it was all hands on deck. The sun was rising and it was the sound of the clicking camera,the hum of the generator and Marina's laconic instructions, asking for a little more light here, a tilt of a reflector there. Before they knew it, it was over and when Marina declared she'd gotten the shots she wanted they all laughed and hugged with relief.

By 8am they were headed to helicopter pad that was to take them to the top of the Pedra da Gavea. Marina had fought Vanessa hard on this one. The cost of helicopters would normally be prohibitive, but her heart was set on capturing this image from there and it was only once she had secured them a substantial discount – on account of her family having been regular clients for so many years - that Vanessa had okayed the expense. Clara had not been thrilled to find out she'd be taking another helicopter ride and clutched Marina's hand as they made the journey up into the sky.

Marina's choice was vindicated. The element of ether was to be the center piece of the exhibition and there could be no more stunning a view than from the summit of this dramatic mountain. The ocean stretched 180 degrees out to the horizon and to the back ranges of tree covered hills and peaks fell away . At 844 meters high,the flat-top peak towered precariously above the shoreline and the buildings of Rio de Janeiro dotted the landscape.

Clouds approached progressively on an easterly breeze. Marina had their sixty-something model sit cross legged before them, a frosted glass Earth the size of a football cradled in her lap. The snow white chiffon material shrouded her, her eyes lowered meditatively as she gazed on the world in her hands like a deity watching over humanity. Marina had Clara and Gissell hold up the light diffuser to soften the strengthening sun and framed the model is such a way that it looked like she perched on edge of the heavens.

It was only once they had touched back down on solid ground and that Marina turned to her and said 'you ready?' that it hit Clara what she was about to do. Pose naked for Marina.


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE

The intention had be shoot in the forest that bordered the beach of Praihna beach but due to the last minute change in plans it made little sense to drive the distance to get there when Tijuca National Park lay at their doorstep. Vanessa had scouted out a secluded spot far from tour buses and hikers but not far from road access. Leafy with ferns and towering trees, dappled sunlight from the afternoon sun streamed down. A moss covered boulder protruded from between the roots of a magnificient tree with its sprawling branches reaching out like outstretched arms to the sky and intoxicating smell of damp earth wrapped around Clara's senses. It felt magical,like mischievous pixies might appear from between the branches at any moment.

Clothed in nothing but slippers and a robe, Clara followed Marina through the undergrowth to the clearing, Giselle and Flavinah in tow. Vanessa had thankfully volunteered to stay with the car. She'd been particularly acid with Clara all day and it had taken some effort not to snap back.

Flahvihna had already done make up in the make shift dressing room at the back of the car, a somewhat embarrassing affair as it had required Clara to disrobe entirely. Flavinha had used a machine that misted a thin layer of foundation over her entire body.

"To even out any tan lines, smooth over any inconsistencies and give your body a shimmer." She said and then laughed kindly at how red Clara was getting. "Don't be ashamed. You have a beautiful body. You hardly need anything at all."

Her make-up was kept very subtle, aimed to giver her a fresh, clean look. Mascara, eye liner and a touch of iridescent forest green eyeshadow that matched her finger nails almost exactly to go with the single rhinestone at the third eye. A touch of blusher on her cheeks. Clara's long silky hair fell loosely around her shoulders. The effect was arresting and Flahvinha said as much.

Clara now stood, her hands clasped around her dressing gown, taking in her surroundings, her heart beating solidly in her chest. Marina was snapping a few test photos to set the exposure, Giselle was setting up some light reflectors in some stands.

"Don't worry" Flavinha said coming near applying a thin layer of gloss to her lips, "When it was me, I soon forgot it was Marina."

Somehow Clara didn't think she would. She didn't even know how she'd look into the camera lense at this point. Last night, when she had lain in bed picturing it all, she imagined she could be bold and powerful like the other models. She thought she could brazenly stand, unafraid and unashamed. Somehow the reality of standing naked in front of Marina had not seemed that significant. Now with her stomach flip-flopping it was all she could think of and she wasn't sure if she could do this.

Flahvinha smoothed her hair and gave her face the once over. Satisfied, she smiled at her.

"Gorgeous. You'll do great, Clara."

Clara felt her heart beat faster and she turned to watch Marina. Their eyes met and Marina raised her eyebrow.

"Ready?" she asked.

"I think so." Clara said. "Do you want me to remove my robe?"

"If you don't mind. And if you can lie down on the boulder and Flavinha, if you could please arrange the material as we discussed."

Clara was relieved when Marina turned to Giselle to give instructions on where to hold one of the reflectors as Flavinha took her robe and slippers. She lay down on the cool boulder, the moss soft and damp against her skin, waiting as Flavinha placed the bronze coloured material strategically to cover her breast and hips. The sensation of the material on her skin was reassuring, protection against what she was about to do.

Marina came over once Flavinha was done and made a few small adjustments. "If you could bend you knee up, yes, like that... and your arm, I want it above your head... Perfect. Feel free to move it after the first few shots, anyway you want, okay? I want you to feel completely free to explore. Let's see...and I'll just move the material a little... there we go. Okay. You ready?"

"Oh God... yes, I think." Clara said squeezing her eyes shut.

"Don't be sacred, Clarinha. Just keep breathing and relax."

"Oh God, I can't believe I'm doing this!" Clara exclaimed and flapped her hands to cool down her burning cheeks as the impact of what she was about to do hit her afresh. She felt her breath come short and shallow, she couldn't get enough oxygen.

"Clarinha, look at me."

With difficulty Clara looked into Marina's eyes.

"I don't know if I can do this." She whispered

"You can. I know you can. You just need to relax. We'll take this slow, okay? And if you feel uncomfortable or need a break, you just let me know. And just breath with me."

Clara matched Marina's breaths and in unison they breathed in and out, awkwardly at first, lengthening each lungful until they had a slow, steady rhythm going. Clara felt the tension ease somewhat as she gazed up into Marina's warm, soft eyes. She felt a calm settle in her. She could do this.

"There you go. If in doubt breath." Marina said. Her finger brushed a strand of hair away from Clara's forehead. "I'm so proud of you."

"Thanks you."

Marina moved into position, bringing the camera up and adjusting the focus.

"Okay, so I want you to close your eyes and keep breathing nice and slow. Just like that."

Gratefully Clara did so, allowing her eyelids to insulate her against her nerves, allowing Marina's voice to wash over her.

"Listen to the sounds of the forest, Clara." Marina was saying. "Listen to it breath. The sound of the air rustling the leaves in the trees, the birds... the smell the earth...feel the stone against your skin. Breath with the forest."

Clara listened and breathed with the earth.

"I want you to imagine that you are the spirit of the big tree above you, come to life." Marina continued, "I want you to imagine that you are born from the elements - the soil that nourishes the tree, the air it breaths, the sunlight it gathers, the water that courses through its veins. Can you feel it?" Marina asked

"Yes." Clara whispered. She felt her body softening, relaxing.

"Perfect." Marina said "I want you to feel the water in your veins, the air in your lungs, the earth beneath you."

Click

Click

Click

"Let it affect you."

Click

Click

Click

"Good, Clarinha." Marina said. "And when you are ready, I want you to open your eyes."

She took a moment to steel herself and then she looked directly down the barrel of the camera.

Click

Click

Click

"Beautiful." Marina murmured, "So beautiful"

Time expanded. Slowed. She focused on each breath allowing it to draw her into stillness. Into effortlessness. She began to feel like she _WAS_ an elemental spirit resting in the forest. She stretched into the sensation, lifting her arms as if to capture rays of light that filtered through the leaves with her hands.

Click

Click

Click

"Gorgeous."

Click

Click

Click

"Now sit up for me" Marina said.

As Clara did the material fell away to reveal a breast. She froze, her heart, the moment seemed to tilt on its axis, teetering on the edge of an abyss. The immediate instinct was to cover it up but before her hand could get there, Marina laid her fingers on her wrist.

"It's okay."

They looked at each other and Clara was incredibly aware of her nakedness. Embarrassment rolled through her, she looked away. She bit her lip.

"It's okay." Marina repeated.

"I'm good." Clara said and girded herself. She took a beat. "Okay, I'm good. Let's keep going."

Marina smiled encouragingly. She stepped back and raised her camera up again.

Click

Click

Click

"You are divine, Clarinha."

Clara laughed and covered her face with her hand.

Click

Click

Click

She remembered to breath.

Click

Click

Click

She looked back up into the camera and let go. She felt she was free falling and it was exhilarating, wild and daring. Her whole body felt alive, life thrumming through her.

She shifted, her head tilting back and her arms reaching up to the sky like the tree. The material pooled around her waist to reveal the other breast and she decided not to care. She laughed and her eyes danced and Marina continued to take photos.

Liberation. Revelation. She leaned into this new sensation of freedom. She owned herself in this moment, she saw what she could be. Bold, strong, sensual. She was mother earth, elemental spirit, born of the soil, giver of life. She and Marina fell into a rhythmic symbiosis and the rest of the world fell away. It was a delicate dance of photographer and model, feeding into each other's creative flow, merging until they seemed to understand each other with nothing more than a gesture and a few words, as if they were bound by telepathy.

Xxxx

Marina announced she had what she wanted and took a moment to check the final shots. Flavinha gave Clara her robe and then helped Giselle take the gear back to the car. They disappeared between the trees chatting amicably.

Marina looked up and saw Clara sitting perfectly still on the moss covered boulder, her eyes closed and a smile at her face. Unable to resist, Marina took a final shot and at the sound of the shutter Clara opened her eyes and her smile spreads into a grin. She jumped up and came to hug Marina, holding her close, swaying her in a circle.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you." she said.

"No, thank you. You did an amazing job. The images are exquisite, Clara. Really."

Clara pulled back and kissed her enthusiastically on each cheek and hugged her tight again.

"You have no idea what this means for me, Marina, to be given this opportunity. I feel as if I could conquer the world right now!" she said and laughed. Then she pulled back and rested her forehead against Marina's and hummed, her eyes closed. The moment seemed to slow and grow quiet and only the birds in the trees and the rustling of leaves could be heard. Marina could feel Clara's breath on her lips. A flutter ignited in her stomach. She slipped her arms around Clara's waist pulling her closer until their hips touched and she sighed. This is where she wanted to be, quite simply. Her hand drew gentle circles on Clara's back, feeling the line of her spin through the robe, the curves of her body against hers.

"Oh Clara." she breathed.

If only it could always be this way, their arms around each other, so warm, comforting and safe. She felt Clara's hand cup her cheek, stroking it with her thumb and she smiled.

"Thank-you." Clara whispered, "Thank-you..."

Marina felt the tip of Clara's nose against her other cheek and and then her lips, so soft. Another kiss, between murmured thanks, and then another pressed to her neck. Oh God. She arched her head to allow the caress, feeling those lips travel the length of her jaw and she bit her lip, lest she startle Clara with a moan - above all she didn't want this to ever stop. She could feel the beating of Clara's heart against her breast and knew her's was responding in kind, synchronized desire too palatable to deny. Her mind faded behind the rush of sensations and it was the singular thought that finally, finally it was happening, she'd waited so long. It had been months of living on tender hooks, hungry for anything that told her that Clara wanted her, gathering each moment up like a precious jewel to be turned over and over in her mind at night, reassuring herself that she wasn't mad for loving her the way she did. She'd held back, stepped gingerly at each moment sensing Clara's skittishness, knowing that to press her could make her vanish from her life like a fairy in the woods.

She opened her eyes as she felt Clara pull back. Their eyes locked. The way Clara was looking at her made her weak in her knees. Her whole body seemed to arch forward into that gaze, afraid to move lest the moment dissipate. Slowly Clara reached up and removed her glasses making her blink to find focus and then she was leaning in, hesitating as their noses touched before their lips met.

Finally.

Soft. Warm. Real. She trembled as electricity coursed through her. She leaned into Clara's embrace and kissed her back. Oh God. Then she felt Clara's lips part and her tongue graze her lower lip. She tightened her grip, unable to comprehend how she was still standing. From the tip of her head to the tips of her toes, she felt that kiss like a tidal wave, a revelation, a reckoning.

Finally, finally, finally.

Her hunger yawned wide, she wanted more. She wanted to feel Clara's bare skin against hers, she wanted to lay her down upon the earth and make love to her. She knew that in a moment this desire would overwhelm her common sense and it wasn't the time, it wasn't the place. Breathlessly she pulled back. She rested their foreheads together.

"Wow." Clara breathed.

"Wow." Marina agreed.

"My heart!" Clara said and placed Marina's hand on her chest.

They laughed, Clara burying her head in Marina's neck and holding her close.

xxx

Clara felt like she was walking on air. The world had fallen away and all she could see was Marina. Every time she remembered that kiss... her stomach flip flopped and all she wanted was to kiss her again.

Marina had Vanessa drive them home and they sat in the back seat, Clara wrapped up in Marina's arms. Marina's hand played with her hair. This was bliss.

She could feel Vanessa's dagger eyes through the review mirror but nothing could touch her in that moment, neither shame nor confusion nor regret.

When they arrived back at the studio, Marina stroked her cheek.

"Clara? Wake up, my love."

"Hmmm? I'm awake."

"We're home."

Clara opened her eyes. Night was falling and the others were already busy unpacking the gear, it was just them tucked away in the corner of the car. She looked up at Marina.

"Stay with me tonight." Marina murmured.

"Don't tempt me." Clara said, her eyes drifting to those red lips.

"Just say yes. We've waited so long..."

Clara pulled back so she could look into Marina's eyes.

"I want that so much, you have no idea, but I can't." she said and shivered. Reality was beginning to nibble at the edge of her conscience now.

"You know I'm not an exclusivist..."

"I know, Marina. But I'm not like that. I can't just stay, not yet"

"I'm afraid, you know, Clara." Marina said as she traced a finger down Clara's cheek, "I'm afraid that if you go, you won't come back and you'll forget me."

"I could never forget you, Marina. Never. Not for a moment" she breathed. "But I have to go."

"Don't go."

She looked into Marina's face. She felt her heart tear up at the folorne look in her eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Marina. I just need more time."

Marina didn't reply. Clara could see tears in her eyes catch the fading light and she wanted so much to make them go away. She slid in closer and kissed her tenderly on the lips.

"I'm sorry" she whispered again. "I have to go."

Then she slid out of the car and left.


	6. Chapter 6

Thank you to all of you who have posted a review, they really make my day! :)

CHAPTER SIX

She opened the door, praying that Cadu was in bed asleep. She couldn't face him right now, her heart was too jagged and her mind too full. The drive home had been like coming out of a dream, as though she was emerging back into a world where the edges were too sharp and the colours garish. As she walked into the apartment to find Cadu lying there with Ivan, reading him his bedtime story. Seeing them there like that struck her forcibly, the full realisation of what she'd done became crystal clear in her mind. It was like a stab in the gut. Gathering herself, she plastered a smile on her face as they looked up.

"Mummy!" Ivan cried happily and jumped up to give her a hug. "Dad is reading me the first chapter from Harry Potter and the Philosopher's stone. Do you know that book? I like it so much already."

"Yes, I know Harry Potter, my darling. It's a great story."

"Will you come and read it with us?"

"Oh, my darling, I've just finished a very long day and I need to go and take a shower but tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay." Ivan said and then pointed to Clara's forehead. "What's that?"

"That? Oh, that's from the shoot," she said touching her fingers to her third eye and removing the rhinestone that was still there.

"You look very pretty. Did you have your make-up done?"

"You ask too many questions for my poor brain tonight! Go finish your chapter with dad and I'll come and say good night."

She was aware of Cadu on the couch watching the interaction. She stood up and as she passed him, she dropped a kiss on his forehead.

"Evening, Cadu." she said quietly and then escaped to the bedroom.

As she entered she felt her phone vibrate. She looked at the caller ID and hastily switched it off, throwing it on the bed. She leaned against the wardrobe, burying her face in her hands. When she looked up, tears were falling down her cheeks. She began to sob. Her chest heaved and she screwed her face up in an effort to stem the tears. Her throat constricted until it hurt and she fisted her hands against her eyes. Gasping a few times she collected herself and stood up, walked towards to bathroom and moments later returned to her phone but instead of switching it back on as she was poised to do, she hastily put it in the top draw of her dresser and swung back around, closing the bathroom door with a slam.

She emerged half an hour later composed but completely wrung out. She went to bid her son good night and when she returned she found Cadu lying in bed. His face turned to look at her.

"How did the shoot go?" he asked.

"Tiring. It was a very long day."

She sat down on her side of the bed and squirted some moisturiser into her hand, rubbing it briskly into her skin.

"What happened, Clara?"

"What do you mean, what happened?"

"Please, don't play games." he said flatly, "I could see it in your face the moment you walked in. And then the make-up and that jewel thing on your forehead..."

Clara closed her eyes a moment and felt a deep seated weariness settle on her. She was exhausted. Exhausted from months of worry with Cadu's heart, exhausted from working and caring for him, exhausted from fighting her feelings for Marina, exhausted from the merry-go-round of doubts, fears and culpability that whirred constantly in her head. She didn't have the energy to fight all of this anymore. It was too much.

"I was Marina's model today." Clara said quietly without looking around.

"What do you mean you were Marina's model?"

"I mean I posed for her today, for this exhibition."

"Do you mean... naked?"

"Yes. I was naked."

"Are you kidding me, Clara?" He said his voice steely, " You let that woman take naked pictures of you for an exhibition?"

Clara turned around to face him. "Yes. I let her take naked pictures of me for the exhibition."

She felt something approaching defiance. She refused to feel shame for doing that and her dared him to tell her off. Instead he was looking at her in angry disbelief. He was looking at her as though she was someone he didn't recognise anymore.

"That woman has slunk her way into your mind like a snake, Clara, she has... she has.. infected you mind - "

"Don't you dare, Cadu!" she said, standing, "Marina has done nothing wrong. She has done nothing!"

"How can you say that! She has taken every opportunity to draw you close to her, to catch you in her web, to seduce you..."

"She has done no such thing!" Clara cried, feeling her heart constricting in her chest, "I told her I love you, that I choose to stay with you. She has never once asked me to forget you, not once."

She ran a hand through her damp hair, her head tilting back to hold in the tears that threatened again. She drew a deep breath.

"Every step of the way," she continued, "she has supported me and respected me and loved me - "

"Love? Has she said she loves you?"

She looked at Cadu sitting on the bed. She could see the distress in his face and it pained her but she owed him honesty.

"Yes. She's told me she loves me."

He clenched his jaw a few times.

"And have you told her you love her?" he said through gritted teeth.

"No. I haven't."

"Do you though?"

Damn these tears! They fell on her cheeks as she looked at this man on her bed, this man who had been her everything for a decade and given her her greatest joy, her son. She couldn't understand how something like this could happen, that she could be standing here fighting about someone else. The mysteries of life and why things were evaded her, all she knew was what she felt and even that she doubted most days. Except for one thing that slipped into focus with immutable certainty.

"Yes. I love her." she said.

The words fell into the silence between them and Clara looked at her husband. His head was bent down and her heart broke a little for them both. The admission frightened her for now the words were finally uttered out loud she knew them to be true and she didn't know what that meant.

"Have you..." Cadu started and then stopped.

"No, I have been faithful..." She trailed off, her word catching on the lie and she felt a sob well up. She turned away to collect herself.

"Clara?"

"I'm sorry, Cadu... I'm so sorry..." she whispered, "I tried, I did and then..."

"What is it?" Cadu asked and Clara could feel the alarm in his voice. She couldn't bear to look at him.

"I kissed her."

The silence stretched out, thick and heavy.

"When?" he asked finally.

"Tonight. After the shoot."

When she turn around his jaw was clenched. She read betrayal all over him, accusing her.

"I'm sorry..."

"How many times?"

"Cadu..."

"How many times!?"

"Just once...no," she said,"twice."

She stood at the edge of their marital bed waiting for him to say something more, trying to think of something to say to make it all better, but there was nothing to say. The truth was what it was and to speak it would only hurt him more.

"Cadu, I'm sorry..."

"Don't Clara." he said, stilling her with a wave of his hand, "Don't say anything more, don't apologise. I can't even look at you right now. Just go."

"Cadu, can we talk about this...'

"Please go, Clara."

"Cadu -"

"Go!" he shouted, his voice startling her. The vehemence in his voice, the hard stare he pinned her with penetrated her like a knife in her chest.

"I'll sleep on the couch." she said quietly.

She took her pillow and a blanket and went to lay in the living room. She cried again for she felt as though her heart had splintered in two. Had she really become this person who had betrayed her marriage? The thought pained her deeply.

At some point she finally fell asleep.

Xxx

Three days later and Clara was in the apartment alone. Ivan was at school and Cadu was at the hospital for a check up. He'd pointedly requested she not come when she'd come back from work to accompany him. It was one of the few things he'd said to her since that night. He was well enough to get himself a taxi, thank you. In fact he'd insisted on doing everything for himself the last few days. Showering, dressing, cooking. The atmosphere between them was chilly to the point of freezing.

Clara had escaped to the bistro with relief and thrown herself into the work, trying not to think because at night, as she lay on the couch, when the hours stretched long, all she did was run in circles in her mind and it was driving her crazy.

She was now kneeling, the cool kitchen tiles hard on her knees, scrubbing the floor with a brush and bucket of soapy water. She attacked it with vigour, throwing all the fears, guilt and self loathing she held in the pit of her stomach into it. Weak. She was weak and pathetic. She was disgusted at her conduct, she expected so much more from herself and yet, despite these feelings, she still stood frozen, inert, unable to take even a tiny step in any direction. She wished fervently that she could be that old Clara who wanted nothing more that her quiet domestic life. It had been a muted life but it was peaceful. This...this was too painful.

A knock at the door disrupted her thoughts and throwing the scrubbing brush into the murky water, she went to peer through the peep hole. When she saw who it was she leaned her head against the door and squeezed her eyes closed. The knock came again. Her hand fisted at her stomach and for a moment she wondered it she would just stand there but then she heard her voice, quiet, through the door and, of its own accord, her hand clasped the door handle and twisted it.

Marina stood there, her shiny brown locks falling on her shoulders, her full lipstick red lips, sad bloodshot eyes. They said nothing. Clara drank her in greedily. Then she stepped aside to let her in, clicking the door shut and they sat on opposite ends of the couch.

Clara cleared her throat.

"A drink?"

"No. Thank you."

Silence again until Marina, her eyes on her clasped hands pursed her lips and said;

"I've been calling, Clara. Why don't you answer?"

"I'm so sorry... I...Oh God." Her face dropped into her hands. "I don't know what I'm doing, Marina..."

"I don't either, Clara." Marina said flatly. Clara looked up and saw a hard line in her weary face.

"I'm sorry." She said again even as she knew her apology was not enough. She looked down and traced the seam of a teal coloured pillowcase with her finger, unable to say anything more, feeling Marina's eyes on her, burning her.

"You kissed me, Clara. You." Marina said quietly. "I was so happy! Do you know how long I've been waiting? Since the moment I laid eyes on you. I thought you were finally ready. Finally. But then you ran away."

There was no reproach in her tone, only sadness.

"Do you regret kissing me?" she asked and her voice shook a little. Clara looked to her. She saw only vulnerability, tenderness and love there, even in this moment where she knew she deserved censure.

"No. Marina, believe me... I don't for a second regret kissing you..."

"Then why did you run?"

"You know why I ran."

Marina's face confirmed she did. She nodded and sat watching her a moment. Then she opened her bag and pulled out a envelope and placed it between them.

"This is a ticket for you to come with me to Paris for the exhibition. It leaves tomorrow afternoon at 12.30. I would love for you to be there at the opening. For you to see your photos from the shoot. To spend some time together, you and me... And I could always use another assistant out there. Come with me."

Clara picked it up and looked at it. "Marina-"

"Don't say anything yet, Clara. I can't..." she drew a breath, "I can't... I know you well enough to know that you need to sit with this, I don't expect you to answer right now. No pressure, no expectation. I just need to know you're with me, even if it's only half of you."

She moved across the couch and she reached for Clara's hand with both of hers.

"This is important. You get that right?" she whispered urgently, "I can't keep doing this. We can't continue like this. It's killing us both."

"Yes, it is, it is." Clara said. "It's just... Cadu..."

"Dammit, Clara!" Marina cried, leaning in, "Stop running away from me! It's not between him and me! This is about you and me. Stop fighting this! You felt it didn't you? When you kissed me - you can't deny that was real..."

Marina's hands were on Clara's face, forcing her to look up, her eyes searching into the depths of Clara's soul as she spoke. Then her eyes fell to Clara's lips and suddenly she was kissing her passionately, pulling Clara into her, crushing their mouths together, demanding and forceful. Clara whimpered and resisted weakly but Marina was overwhelming her defenses with her hot, insistent lips and arms that refused to let her back away. She was breathless, turned inside out. She felt herself respond as desperately as Marina, clasping at that lithe body and pulling her into her lap. She wanted her, oh, how she wanted her! Their lips parted their tongues collided. Marina's hand slipped under Clara's t-shirt and onto her bare skin and she thought she might burst.

Then Marina pulled away, breathing hard. She slid off Clara's lap, adjusting her top and picked up her bag. She looked at her for a beat, with an unreadable expression. Without a word she turned and left.


	7. Chapter 7

Note: It's a bit of lean chapter but necessary for further down the line - so no actual Clarina scenes, sorry ladies (and gents if there be any). But it will come. :)

CHAPTER SEVEN

"Helena, I need to talk with you, it's urgent." Clara whispered into her phone. She sat on her couch where Marina had left her not fifteen minutes ago. She hadn't moved except to get her phone and switch it on. 37 missed calls, 11 voice-mails, 16 text messages from the last few days, all from Marina. With trembling fingers she had hit Helena's number.

"Clara, my love, I'm in the middle of a mountain of paperwork, can it wait until later?"

"No, it can't, I need to speak to you right now, I think I'm going to explode."

"Clara..."

"Please. Please, I need you."

"Where are you?"

"At home. I'll meet you at your place."

Clara hurried down the corridor to her sister's apartment and let herself in. She sat, her keys and her phone clasped in her hand, staring fixedly at the door.

"Oh, sister!" she cried when Helena came through the door and rushed into her arms.

"Clara, what is it?"

Clara pulled back and she saw Helena clock her lips.

"Oh." Helena said gesturing. "You have... lipstick..."

"Oh." Clara said feeling mortified. She took the tissue Helena handed her and rubbed her mouth vigorously. "Gone?"

"Sort of, yeah."

They sat down and Helena looked at her expectantly. "So, what happened?"

Clara explained everything, from the photo shoot to Marina coming to the apartment.

"You kissed?" Helena whispered, leaning in, curious.

"Yes..."

"...Well!?"

Clara blushed. "It was...really good."

"What do you mean really good, what's really good?"

"It was...Oh, Helena! It was glorious. Heady, passionate, delicious. I mean, if she'd tried to, you know,... go further." Clara said and her blush deepened,"I wouldn't have had the strength or desire to resist. I never knew a kiss could be like this... All I can think about is how much I want to kiss her again..."

"That good, huh?"

"Have you ever felt that?"

"I have." she said, nodding. "You never felt this with Cadu? Even at the start?"

"Kissing Cadu, is...was different. It was exciting. I liked kissing him a lot but it wasn't like this."

"What are you going to do?" Helena asked.

"That's it! I don't know!"

"What do you want to do?"

"I …" Clara hesitated and twisted her hands in her lap, "I want to go to Paris. But I don't want to leave Cadu. He still needs me...I just don't know."

"You're in love with her, aren't you?"

Her heart fluttered "Yes."

Acknowledging this out loud for a second time came easier but it felt strange. She couldn't help but feel self-conscious about it.

"And you love Cadu?"

"Yes."

"Honey... I know it's hard, but it looks like you need to make a decision. You have to choose. It's not good for you or anyone around you to be stuck between the two. What's stopping you, Clara?"

"I'm afraid."

"Afraid? Since when are you afraid, Clara? You've always grasped life by the horns."

"I know! I don't recognise myself anymore! But I'm scared."

"Scared of what?"

"Scared of loosing Marina, scared of loosing Cadu, scared of loosing Ivan. Scared I'll make the wrong decision. Scared of what people will think and do and say. I'm scared of everything."

"Loosing Ivan?"

"Cadu said that if we separated he'd fight for Ivan's custody."

"Oh, Clara..."

"And I can't loose Ivan. I can't."

"No,I understand that. But if you don't make a decision, Clara – you'll loose everything anyway."

"I know." Clara whispered.

Helena opened her arms and wrapped them around her. Rocking her, she blew gently on her hair like she used to do when they were young and Clara had had a nightmare.

Xxx

Clara had finished preparing for bed. She emerged from the bathroom and went to collect her pillow and blanket that lay at the end of the bed. Cadu sat, propped up, a book in his hand.

"Cadu." she said.

"Yes." came his slow reply

"I need to talk to you."

"I think we've spoken enough, don't you? I think you've made yourself perfectly clear."

"Cadu – please."

"What more is there to say, Clara?"

"We need to discuss things."

"Discuss what?" he asked. "The fact you kissed a woman? That you love her? I'm sorry, but I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear that my wife is in love with a woman."

"If we don't talk, how can we sort this out, Cadu?"

"Sort this out? You want to sort this out?"

"Yes!"

"Why would you want to do that? You've clearly chosen her, Clara."

"What do you mean I've clearly chosen her? I haven't. I'm here, I'm trying to reach out to you..."

"Wasn't she in this very apartment earlier today?"

"How do you - "

"You don't even deny it!" Cadu exclaimed, "What did you two do? Did you fuck each other? Is that what happened? Did you call her the moment you had the place to yourself to arrange a dirty tryst-"

"Cadu, stop it! Don't speak this way!"

This wasn't the Cadu she knew, this man saying these bitter words The conversation seemed to have escalated so quickly, it wasn't meant to go this way.

"You had someone spy on me? You trust me so little?"

"I didn't need to! The footman took the pains of telling me."

"I have been honest with you, Cadu! I have not lied about my feelings or what I've done!"

"Did you fuck her?"

"No, Cadu, I didn't!" she cried angrily. "She came to ask me to go to Paris with her, as her assistant! She came because I haven't been taking her calls!"

"To Paris as her assistant!? Oh, come on, Clara!"

"Yes! As her assistant!"

"So you're just going to abandon me and our son to go jetting to Paris?"

"I don't know if I'll even go!"

"You don't know?"

"No!"

"If you go, you know what that means, don't you?"

Clara looked at him. His face was stony, resolute. She knew what it meant. She also knew what it meant if she didn't go. Both options felt impossible.

"Yes, I know." she said.

"I told you before. You choose her and I will fight for Ivan. So help me, I do not want him exposed to... to..." He waved his hand at her as he searched for words.

"What? Two people who love each other? Is that it!?"

He shook his head in disgust.

"You would put Ivan through this? Why? Out of spite?"

"No. Because I love him." he said emphatically. "And I want what's best for him. Exposing him to you and that woman isn't what's best for him."

"How dare you use Ivan against me in this way! How dare you be so selfish."

"You're the one being selfish, Clara! I'm not the one who created this situation!"

"Cadu, I can't help what has happened to me!" she shouted, "I can't help how I feel, damni t! But it's happened! I've discovered this side to me that I didn't even know existed and I can't ignore it! And I'm trying to figure this out while being here for you and for Ivan."

"Oh, what a martyr you are, Clara! Looking after your poor, invalid of a husband, sacrificing your job at the studio to take care of the bistro! Have you just been waiting, is that it? Waiting for me to be better so you can leave me with a clear conscious?"

"No! Cadu, how can you say that? How many times have I told you? I choose to be here with you!"

"And you want to be with her too!" he shouted.

Clara clutched the pillow and blanket to her chest.

"Don't you, Clara?" he said his voice dropping dangerously low. "You want to be with her too. Admit it."

The answer stuck in her throat, a thick, heavy lump.

"We can't keep doing this." she finally said.

"No, we can't" he replied.

When he said no more, she left the room, moving through the night to the couch. She couldn't sleep. She lay and stared at the ceiling in the dark, clutching her rosary, the familiar green beads comforting in her hand. She searched the depths of her heart. She prayed.


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER EIGHT

"What's the time?" Marina asked.

They sat at in the departure lounge of the Galeão International Airport.

"12.10." Vanessa replied without looking up from her tablet.

Marina looked down the corridor. Boarding would start any second. She'd lingered as long as she could before going through customs, much to Vanessa's annoyance, checking her phone every few minutes, looking over her shoulder as they made their way to the gate just in case she caught the sight of Clara's face. Each minute she didn't arrive was hope dying, each minute was her heart fracturing a little more. She pulled out her phone again, dialing Clara's number and again it went to voice mail.

"Stop it, Marina! She's not coming."

"You don't know that," Marina whispered miserably, "She can still make it..."

"She's not coming. What did you expect? I told you from the start it would be like this."

"Please, Vanessa, please... just, I can't stand your lectures." she said and hugged herself. If Clara didn't come...if Clara didn't come...

Minutes ticked by and boarding started. Marina hung back, watching the line grow shorter. Finally it was just them standing amongst empty waiting chairs, the quiet hum of the air conditioning and the harsh halogen lights.

"Last boarding call for flight 122 to Paris, last call." came the voice over the intercom. The boarding attendants looked to them expectantly.

"Come on," Vanessa said kindly gave her her hand. "It's time to go."

Marina looked up to her best friend, at that smile on her face and she hated it. It seemed so smug and self satisfied, triumphant even. She felt sick to the pit of her stomach and she looked to the plane that sat on the tarmac waiting for them to board and she didn't want to go. Paris, which had seemed full of promise and possibilities the day before now seemed pale and drab like a grey, desolate winter's day. She thought she might scream.

"Don't touch me." she growled when Vanessa placed her hand on her arm. She watched Vanessa appraise the situation.

"Come on, Marina. We have to get on that plane now."

"I don't want to go."

"Oh my God!" she exclaimed, turning to the boarding attendants, smiling and letting them know they'd be there in a minute with a wave of her hand before turning back to Marina, "You're being a child! You're getting on that plane!"

"Leave me alone. You can't make me." she said her voice rising.

"Marina!" Vanessa hissed, "Don't make a scene. I can't help it if Clara isn't here like you wanted, but seriously, girl, grow up."

She sat down beside Marina and looked her earnestly in the eyes. There was understanding there, pity even. "I get it, Marina. I get it. You're heart is breaking. But we have a job to do. We have people waiting for us, we can't just abandon our commitments because of this. Clara will be here when we get back."

"You don't get it, Van. I can't keep doing this. I can't. I thought I could wait forever and maybe I could have before but after the photo shoot ...it hurts me not to be with her. I need her, Van. I need her and I thought finally - I hoped she'd come..." Tears welled in her eyes and she swallowed the lump in her throat, unable to continue. Vanessa tentatively place a hand on her shoulder and when Marina didn't resist she took her in a hug and kissed her hair.

With the arms of the person she didn't want around her, Marina wondered what happened to who she used to be. Carefree, unattached, untouchable. She'd like it that way. She'd had the power take it or leave it, to seduce whomever she fancied and go when she grew tired of them. Never had her heart ached so much, never had she felt less in control.

She'd know. In that first moment, she'd just known that it was done, she was in love. And she'd rejoiced. Because the concept not getting Clara was alien to her. She couldn't have foreseen that she'd be sitting here, in an airport, completely broken down as if the cosmic hand of fate had finally finished grinding her down and now she was only dust.

"I know, it hurts," Vanessa said, rubbing her back. "I know. But we have to get on that plane, okay? I'll take care of you, my love, we can get drunk in the plane, on a ridiculously expensive bottle of wine and watch some crappy movies, okay? And when we get to Paris, I'll take you to that little cafe we both love and we can re-live all of those happy memories we made in that city together..."

Marina didn't want that. Her heart wept at those words. Maybe before Clara she would acquiesced because she'd thought she'd been in love with her, or at least she'd told herself that. But if she'd been honest with, even then she'd known that the love she had for Vanessa was only one of great affection and nothing more. Now the thought of rekindling their romance was an anathema to her. It made her insides curdle because she'd touched the purity of real love and nothing less could ever be okay. She'd never find this again, she knew.

Marina sat up and looked at the plane through the windows. There was only one thing that she truly cared about that could never let her down and it awaited her in Paris.

"Let's go." Vanessa said, wiping her tear stain cheeks away. "No more, no more crying."

They stood, walked to the the boarding counter and handed over their passports and boarding passes.

"Wait!" came the breathless voice behind her. Marina swung around and there she was.

"Oh for God's sake!" Vanessa exclaimed.

Marina dropped her carry on luggage and ran towards Clara, pulling her into her arms.

"You came, you came." she said and hugged her tightly, burying her face in her neck and breathing her in.

"I came."

They held each other as though their life depended on it.

Vanessa cleared her throat behind her.

"Well, isn't this touching." Vanessa said.

"Vanessa -" Marina turned to see that pinched look settle on her face. All the softness from the moment before was gone and she could see the disappointment curl in on itself to strike like a snake.

"You know what. Maybe it's me who shouldn't go to Paris. Since Clara has seen fit to abandon her ailing husband and her son to be with you, Marina, I wouldn't want to intrude." She pressed her lips into a taunt smile and looked to Clara. "And there are so many things that need to be sorted with the studio, so I think I'm just going to stay here and see to those."

She pulled out a folder and handed it to Clara.

"Here, this is everything you need to know. I'm sure you'll do a wonderful job. Knock yourself out." she said venomously.

She looked to Marina who stood there. She seemed to hesitate as if waiting for her to say something, stop her maybe, protest at this sudden change of plans. She didn't. Vanessa seemed to register this, rocking back on her feet and sucking in her breath. Marina could see betrayal in her eyes, hurt and anger. She wished she wasn't the cause of it.

Then, without looking back, Vanessa squared her shoulders, straightened her spine and she marched back down the corridor.

xxxxx

As the airplane waited for Vanessa's luggage to be retrieved, Marina gazed at Clara who fluffed around putting a book in the pocket of the seat in front of her, fiddling with her safety belt, shifting and re-shifting in her seat to find a comfortable position. Finally she settled and sighed. Marina took her hand and Clara seemed to become fixated as their fingers intertwined, the forest green colour of nail polish against the pale colour of Marina's skin.

"I need to change the colour of my nail polish" Clara said vaguely and started when Marina's free hand brushed her hair back, finger tips trailing along her neck. She grew still and her breath caught as Marina shifted closer until the tip of her nose found the pulse point just below her ear.

"You came." Marina murmured.

"Marina..."

"No one cares."

"Oh God, Marina, you can't do this to me in public..." she whispered with a tremble.

Marina moved back, smiling.

"You came." she said. "You have no idea how happy that makes me."

"I came." Clara agreed warmly, "I can't believe I came!"

They laughed, giddy, like teenagers. Marina kissed Clara's hand and then grew serious.

"What happened?"

"I couldn't loose you, Marina. I couldn't give you up."

"And Cadu?"

Clara's eyes said it all.

"It's over, Marina. Our marriage is over."


	9. Chapter 9

Thank you so much to Crissa for being my beta, you are awesome-sauce :)

CHAPTER 9

They arrived at 7.30pm Parisienne time and were at the front desk of the hotel Plaza Elysee an hour later. It was situated in a five story, 'Huassmann' style building made of cream coloured limestone in the 8th arrondisement. The reception area was elegantly fitted out with classic late 19th century decor. Marble flooring gave way to a solid granite top reception with a flower arrangement of pink lily's. Impressionist paintings of Paris hung off the embossed wallpaper, illuminated by strategic soft lighting and a carpeted marble staircase with a black wrought iron balustrade that lead up to the rooms. It was comfortable. Small without being quaintly so.

"Bonsoir." she said to the receptionist "J'ai une réservation au nom de Marina Mareille*."

A smart looking woman in a crisp white shirt and black waistcoat consulted their guest list.

"Oui, nous avons deux chambres supérieures doubles reserve à ce nom **."

Marina turned to Clara who stood with the luggage. "They have two rooms for us..." she trailed off the question implicit in the statement. Clara shifted on her feet and flipped her fringe out of her eyes.

"Uh... That sounds good to me..." she said "so that, you know..." she trailed off confused and stared at her hands.

Marina couldn't deny it wasn't what she wanted to hear but she smiled anyway and nodded. "Oui, c'est bien ça, deux chambres supérieures doubles." *** she told the receptionist.

[Translation *: Good evening, I have a reservation under the name of Marina Mareille.

Translation **: Yes, we have two luxury double rooms under this name

Tranlsation ***: Yes, that's right, two luxury double rooms.]

XXX

Marina knocked on the door that linked her room to Clara's. Neither of them were hungry, but after an eleven hour flight they felt like stretching their legs so they'd decided to go for a walk. They'd gone to shower with the promise of meeting again in half an hour.

"Come in!" Clara called out.

Marina opened the door and stepped through. Their rooms were almost identical. In similar style to the reception area, they were fitted out in a classical 19th century style. A queen sized double bed dominated the room against a red feature wall, embossed with the fleur de lis, heavy curtains fell from the ceiling to the floor, framing the double doors that gave onto the balcony overlooking the quiet cobbled street below. A writing desk was tucked into a corner next to the wall mounted flat screen, leaving enough room to comfortably navigate the bed but not much more.

Clara was putting on her shoes. She looked up and smiled.

"I'm sorry about the hotel," Marina started, "Usually we would stay somewhere nicer, like Hotel Blazac but with our budget so tight we accepted the accommodation Edourad gave us. Normally we would just pay for the hotel ourselves. We're just around the corner from the gallery incidentally."

"You're apologizing for the hotel? Marina, this is beautiful! I guess you're used to five stars but this is definitely one of the nicer places I've stayed in." She stood up and held out her hand. "You ready to go?"

They stepped out into the cool spring air.

"This way," Marina said. Down the one way street they went, arm in arm, residential apartment buildings crowding the narrow road, a few shops, all shut up. Within a few minutes they had reached the end of the street. A steady stream of cars and pedestrians made their way down the bisecting boulevard.

"Look, Clarinha." Marina said pointing to their right. "It's l'Arc de Triomphe"

Trees lined the way up les Champs Elysee to the Place Charles de Gaulle where the arc stood, its stony edifice thrown into relief by lights that shone up from its base.

They walked up the boulevard, weaving in between late night tourists with their cameras and Parisians walking briskly past, speaking in rapid-fire French.

"I love the sound of the French language." Clara said as a svelte woman in a pencil skirt and high heels swung past, her hands animated as she explained some detail to the man she was with.

"Vraiment, mon amour?" Clara purred smoothly.

"And you know what? I didn't even know you spoke French, you sly thing!"

"I've spent a fair amount of time in Paris, on and off. Photography is popular here. I'm not fluent, but I can get by."

"See! I never knew that. I've read a little about you, I knew you'd exhibited in London, I knew you spoke English, but there is so much I don't know."

"And there is much I don't know about you, Clara."

"What is there to know? I married, had a child and was a stay at home mum. I speak a couple of English words and that's it!"

"Details are not relevant. What is important is the heart. I want to know your heart, Clara, and I suspect that that is endlessly fascinating."

She hugged Clara's arm and smiled.

"Do you have any idea how beautiful your smile is, Marina?"

"No, I don't." Marina said pulling Clara into a darkened doorway. She curled her arm around Clara's neck, "I think you may just have to tell me." She said and arched a saucy eyebrow.

"You have a smile that takes my breath away." Clara said her arm circling her slender waist. She looked quickly to see if anyone could see them and then leaned in. She kissed her slowly. Marina sighed, relishing those warm lips, her hands running over her jeans to grasp her bottom, delighting in the gasp it elicited.

"Stop it!" Clara chided but only seemed to half mean it as she nuzzled the spot beneath her earlobe. "You smell good, right here" she murmured.

"The rest of my body smells like that too." Marina whispered wickedly.

Clara laughed, remembering when Marina had said that to her once upon a time.

"I bet it does." She slipped her hand into Marina's. "Come. Let's take a closer look at this Arc de Triomphe." she said trying her best to burr the r's correctly and failing.

xxx

Clara was up against the hotel room door, Marina's mouth insistent and hungry upon hers. Their bodies were flush, her arms gently but firmly pinned and Marina's leg pressed against her center, making coherent thinking difficult.

The moment they'd entered the room, Clara knew she was in trouble. Marina had looked at her in a way that made her tremble and without a word she'd swung Clara around. A hand made its way under her top rubbing circles on her skin, making its way up her side and when a thumb traced the underwire of her bra, she squirmed and pulled back, breathless.

"Oh, God" she groaned as Marina trailed kisses down her neck. She arched against the wall.

"Stay with me tonight." Marina said against her ear, her hand sliding over her bra to cup a breast "Let me make love to you..."

"Oh, God, wait," Clara said and bit her lip as Marina's thumb skimmed over a hardened nipple. "Please, Marina, wait!"

Marina became still, her hand on her breast, her lips on her neck and then she pulled away. They were both breathing heavily. She looked at Clara, confused.

"Clara...?"

"I'm sorry, Marina, I can't, not right now..."

Marina stepped back, running a hand through her hair. She walked to the other side of the bed and sat down.

"I'm sorry, Marina... It's just moving so fast..."

Marina removed her jacket, her shoes and lay down on her side, her spine stiff. Clara climbed onto the bed behind her, her hand tentatively reaching out, tracing the length of her arm.

"Marina - I'm not saying no. This is all new to me. I've never been with a woman before and I want it, oh God, believe me I want it... but I need to do this right."

Clara waited to see if Marina would respond but she lay there, immobile.

"Speak to me, Marina..."

Slowly Marina turned around, her face serious. She tugged Clara down onto the pillow, moving in close until their faces were inches apart, their legs intertwining, their hands interlacing.

"I'm sorry." she whispered, "I just...patience is not my thing."

"Why are you apologizing? You have been incredible. You've been nothing but patient with me and my situation." Clara said softly, a hand stroking Marina's cheek.

"I get it, Clarinha, this is new. You're scared. And I keep pushing but you're right, this isn't something to rush. We can take all the time we need and do this right."

Clara felt tears prick in her eyes. She leaned over and kissed Marina.

"You are a saint."

"Oh trust me, I'm no saint." Marina said, cracking a smile "Once you're ready, Clara, you better watch out because there are things that I'm planning to do to you..."

Clara bit her lip and laughed "Oh God, Marina, stop!"

"I won't let you leave the bed and I'll make sure you can't remember your own name."

Clara buried her head in the pillow before looking up at Marina's mischievous eyes.

"You promise?"

"I promise. But I'm going to let you set the pace, okay?"

"Thank you." she said, moving in until their noses touched. It felt so good to lie there together in the silence, sharing their breath. Clara's heart felt like it was surrounded by a warm golden light, it felt so healing and right to be here like this. She drifted.

"Do you know what I'm afraid of, Marina?" Clara said as she felt the tendrils of sleep wind themselves around her senses.

"What?" Marina murmured

"I'm afraid that I'll make love with you and then you'll grow tired of me."

"Clarinha... look at me" Marina said pulling back to look into her eyes, "Remember how I said once that I had been looking for you in every woman I'd met?"

Clara inclined her head.

"I wasn't lying. I didn't just say that."

"And Ivan?"

"What about Ivan?"

"You know that he's part of the deal, right?"

"Yes. I do. And I think he is a delight."

"That doesn't... I don't know – scare you?"

"Why would it scare me?"

"Because this is not part of your life, children. You're an artist. Carefree and impulsive. And what I offer is... a quiet home life."

"And family."

"Yes. Family."

"Have you thought that maybe that is what I want?"

"Is it? I mean we've never talked about it and I've not asked because what if you don't? What if -"

"Stop. Clara. I want you. And everything that comes with that, Clarinha, my darling, my love."

She punctuated each endearment with a soft kiss and lay her head back down on the pillow.

Clara felt something so tender unfold inside her for this woman, her heart ached with it. She pulled her into her arms, her chin resting on the crown of Marina's head, holding her close, savouring the sensation of this embrace.

"I love you, Marina, so much. So much, so much."she said her voice chocked with the immediacy of her feelings. She could feel Marina smile against her neck, feel the wetness of her tears.

"You have no idea how long I've been waiting to hear those words, my love." Marina murmured squeezing her tight.

They lay there, unwilling to let go, sleep stealing them away by fractions, as their bodies relaxed, their eyes closed, their breathing deepened.


	10. Chapter 10

Author's note: Crissa, your help as beta is so appreciated, thank you, thank you, thank you!

CHAPTER 10

They had started work at the gallery at 9am and hadn't had a break all day. Clara had nervously flipped through Marina's notes and, despite her general dislike for the woman, had to admit that Vanessa was very organised. All the necessary contact details were jotted down, the to do list was concise but clear. The only thing that lacked in order for her to do her job was her ability to communicate in French. Marina served as her translator, her graceful hands gesturing animatedly as she communicated with the gallery workers. Clara watched her, loving the sound of those foreign words falling from her lips as though it were second nature to her.

"If only you knew how I was butchering this beautiful language, my love." Marina said when Clara murmured how sexy it was when she spoke French.

The perspex had been delivered as requested with the photos printed onto them, one for each element. They were huge. They were to be hung from the ceiling and Clara used sign language and her pigeon English to convey where they needed to be. Marina's exhibition – one among a handful for the photography festival - had been given a large, white, square room with wooden flooring and a high ceiling. Each element was to occupy a corner with ether taking the place of honour in the center of the room. In addition to the perspex, each element would have an additional four photos smaller photos. Although smaller was relative, they were still size A0. They were printed on an semi-opaque paper, not dissimilar to tracing paper and were mounted and hung from ceiling around the perspex image. Back-lighting was to be used to illuminate the images.

"I want the images to glow." Marina explained, "I want them to have this ethereal, other-world quality."

Clara was under strict instructions not to deal with the Earth element part of the exhibition. In fact Marina had her leave the room while it was being mounted because she was insistent that she wanted Clara to see it only at the opening the following day. When Clara was finally allowed back into the room, each of her photos had been covered to protect from prying eyes.

"Come, Marina, let me see." she said, "I need to prepare myself before everyone else sees it!"

"No, my love. I want you to see it in its full effect."

Not stopping for lunch, they pushed through until Marina sidled up to Clara at about 3:30pm and said they were done for the day, that they had somewhere to be.

Clara frowned. "I don't have any appointment listed and the photos are not all up yet, I need to sort out the plaques with the explanations, we need to see to the lighting..."

"We'll do that tomorrow but we need to get going now, otherwise we'll be too late."

"Be too late for what?" Clara said her eyes narrowing and her interest piqued.

"You ask too many questions. Now come!" Marina said and extended her hand. Clara took it and was lead to a Smart Car that waited for them outside the gallery. Clara couldn't help but laugh at the ridiculously tiny vehicle with enough room for two people and not much else.

"We're going to ride in that?" she asked incredulously, "It looks like a toy!"

"It's a popular car here because it can fit into those tiny parking spots."

"Oh my God!" Clara said, laughing, "these French are crazy!"

She got into the passenger seat somewhat concerned but pleasantly surprised when she saw how quickly it could weave in between traffic.

With the aid of Sat Nav, they made their way out of the inner city, out onto the A14 that lead to the edges of Paris and then out of Paris all together.

"Where are you taking me, Marina?"

"Patience, my love, you'll see."

xxx

They arrived in Giverny an hour later. It was a quaint little French village with stone walls and roads lined with trees but no sidewalk. Maneuvering with agility into a parallel parking spot, Marina turned to Clara and said:

"We're here."

"Ummmm. It's very pretty..." Clara said.

"I want to show you this place."

Marina slipped out of the car and opened the door for Clara.

"Such a gentlewoman!"

"Hardly. I only did it so I could do this." Marina said pressing Clara against the car and kissing her.

"Marina!" Clara said looking around furtively at a couple who were walking down the road. To kiss at night in the shadows was one thing, but in broad daylight was another.

"Relax! We're in France and near Paris. It's safe."

And, indeed, the couple didn't seem to care. Marina interlaced their fingers and they walked a few hundred meters up the road until they emerged from a brick wall to see a large two storied cottage covered in a sprawling vine that twisted around the windows and their green shutters. Marina pulled Clara along the gravel pathway to the steps that lead to a door.

"Marina – we can't just walk up to someone else's house!"

"It's not just anyone's house. It's Claude Monet's."

"What do you mean, it's Claude Monet's?"

"As in this is where Claude Monet lived."

"Ummm, okay..."

"It's open to the public."

They opened the door and moved to the reception.

"Bonjour." A rather large woman sat perched on a chair that looked too small for her ample frame.

"Bonjour, madame." Marina replied. "Je suis Marina Mereille – il paraît que ...*"

She didn't even need to finish her sentence, the woman stood up and shook her hand.

"Ah, oui, Marina!" she said and her face lit up, "Soyez les bienvenues ! Je vais vite chercher.**"

The woman ambled out a door appearing moments later, a large picnic basket in hand and a blanket in another.

"Voilà ! Pour vous. Amusez-vous biens!***"

"Marina, what's going on...?"

"Come with me." Marina said pulling Clara in the direction of the back door.

They stepped out onto the back veranda overlooking a garden bursting with a medley of flowers. Lavender, poppies, tulips and roses amongst others sprawled along the pathways. Marina breathed deeply, her eyes closed.

"Smell that, Clara?" she said.

Clara breathed deeply too and caught to subtle scents that played on the afternoon breeze. Earth and leaves, the delicate scent of roses and jasmine.

"Delicious." she said.

Marina turned to look at her.

"I'm so glad I can show you this,Clara, you have no idea."

Before she could ask why, she was being lead down the pathway, past an elderly lady and her cane, past a pair of tourists snapping a few pictures.

At the end of the garden was the pond. Clara recognized it straight away.

"This is where Claude Monet painted his water lily's, isn't it?"

"Yes, it is!"

"It's beautiful."

"It is, isn't it." Marina said wistfully. They walked around the edge beneath the silk trees arching above them, branches dipping into the water and over the very bridge Claude Monet had immortalized in his paintings. As they approached the back of the garden, Marina suddenly pulled Clara off the pathway and, ducking between two bushes, they found themselves in a secluded grassy clearing that afforded them a partial view of the pond without them being visible to the tourists that walked past. A bench was nestled up against a stone wall with fragrant roses on either side, the perfect spot for a lover's picnic. Marina spread the blanket out and patted the spot next to her for Clara to sit. She then opened up the basket and from it pulled out a baguette, cheeses, grapes, pate and an antipasto dish neatly wrapped up. With a flourish, she produced a bottle of champagne. She opened it and poured a glass for each of them.

"To love." Marina said holding up her glass.

"To love." Clara said and they took a sip.

"You hungry?"

"Starving!"

"Then let me feed you."

Marina explained where each cheese came from as she cut it and then tore bite sized pieces off the baguette and fed them to Clara who was barely listening. She was, instead, watching Marina – at how a few strands of hair had come untucked and fell on her cheek. She reached out to push the hair back, her finger tracing her ear, down the skin of her neck. Marina fell silent. Clara edged in until her breast pressed against her arm and bent her head down to kiss the pathway her fingers had made a moment before. Her skin was warm. She resisted the urge to bite that soft flesh. Marina's breath had become shallow and Clara felt something akin to triumph. Knowing she could affect her in this way was heady. She slipped a hand under the loose tunic top, grazing her fingers along the curve of her waist and around her back to the clasp of Marina's bra, carefully undoing it. Marina was sitting perfectly still, champagne glass in her hand, her eyes fluttering close. Clara watched her as her other hand skimmed her belly, sliding up until she felt the tender underside of her breast. She watched as Marina bit her lip, her head tilting ever so slightly up. She felt wicked and daring. This was a revelation for her, to explore the feminine body, to be free to trace the pathways her mind had tread so many times over the past months. It made her heart beat faster and her breath short. There was a heat in her stomach, a tingling of her skin. Her hand cupped the silky soft breast. She could feel the puckered nipple pressing against the palm of her hand as she caressed it slowly, marveling at the weight of it. They kissed in their hidden alcove, slow and deep, fanning an ache that had smouldered for months. Marina pushed Clara down onto the blanket, sliding on top of her, their kisses becoming more urgent. Clara's arms wrapped around Marina's waist.

Then Marina pulled away and Clara reached up to cup her face.

"Marina,come back -" she growled.

"Shhhhhh. Listen."

Frowning, Clara did so. She heard the crunch of footsteps on the path nearby. It grew louder and then they could hear voices drifting from between the bushes. She tensed.

"Don't worry, they can't see us." Marina murmured.

"Oh my God!" Clara whispered covering her face with her hands as the footsteps receded. She laughed.

"You're impossible, Clarinha! You rob me of my common sense, you know that?"

"You're the one who is impossible. If you weren't so damned sexy..."

Clara slid her hands up the back of Marina's top and hooked the bra back on, her hands coming to rest on her hips, enjoying the weight of Marina on top of her.

"But maybe here isn't the best place...speaking of which. Tell me, why did you bring me here?"

Marina shifted so that she was tucked into Clara's side and she rested her head on her shoulder. She was quiet a moment as she traced Clara's collarbone delicately with the tips of her fingers.

"See that over there?" Marina said as she pointed to the bench between the roses. "There's a plaque on there dedicated to my mother. We used to come here, you know, when I was younger, just the two of us. She loved Claude Monet's paintings and would make substantial contributions to the society here."

"Oh." Clara said. She knew Marina's mother was dead but they'd never spoken about it.

"This is where she gave me my first camera, when I was eleven years old. This was before digital, so it was one of those camera's that took film and we spent the afternoon here, taking photos. I must have gone through 5 rolls at least."

Clara rubbed circles on Marina's back as she listened to the quiet, wistful tone of her voice.

"I'll always remember that afternoon, Clara. It was the last time she was well enough to travel, the last time we got to do something really special together, before the doctors and hospital and chemo. Every time I come to Paris, I like to come here. It makes me feel closer to her. And I just wanted to share that with you." she finished shrugging a little

"I'm honoured, Marina."

Marina tilted her head and kissed Clara's cheek.

"I want you to know these things about me."

"How old were you when she passed?"

"Twelve. She died only a few months after my birthday. She had liver cancer."

"You know I lost my dad when I was thirteen, right? From a heart attack?"

"I knew he was dead but didn't know anything else..."

"It was at Helena's wedding. With everything going on with Laerte, it was too much for him and he collapsed. We all crowded around him... and watched him die...I guess I don't really like to talk about it too much. It was such a horrible time for our family..."

"And I know you don't like to dwell on bad things."

"No. I like to look for the positive in situations and there wasn't much positive in that."

"How was it for you?"

"Awful. Our family didn't cope very well."

"At least you had a family. I only had dad and he was wonderful, don't get me wrong, but it was very lonely."

"Do you miss her?"

"So much! Every day. I'm positive I can feel her sometimes, you know, like she's with me, looking over me. Especially when I'm here."

"I miss my dad too. I wonder how things would have been different if he was still alive."

"Those sorts of things change you, don't they? I know that mum's death shaped so much of who I am today."

"I can imagine. I remember as my dad lay there, he was holding Helena's hand, looking up at her, I remember what he said so clearly – he told her to be happy. I think about that often."

They fell silent as Clara continued to rub soothing circles on Marina's back, letting the sounds of the honeybees and birds cradle them in the warm spring air.

xxx

They drank champagne, ate the food and, hand in hand, they walked around the garden. There was a tenderness to the afternoon, a softness that came from a deepening understanding of the other. As they drove back to the hotel they said little, there was no need. Clara rested her hand on Marina's thigh and watched the dusk outside settle into night, the road falling away beneath them, just them two and Marina felt peace in her heart she hadn't known she could feel. It was a sense of completeness, simple and assured. There was no need for more than this. It was like her heart had been holding it's breath and now she could finally breath. It felt good.

At the door of their hotel room they stood in an embrace. Marina's nose grazed Clara's cheek.

"Sleep in my arms, tonight, Clara?"

"I'd like that. So much. Let me shower and call Ivan first, though."

"I'll be waiting for you in bed." she said.

Translations:

*. Hello Madam. I am Marina Mereille. I believe...

**. Ah yes, Marina, welcome! I'll just quickly go and get it

***. There you go, have fun!


	11. Chapter 11

Crissa... Crissa, thank you, thank you, thank you. If you want my first born, just say.

Thank you to all the notes, reviews and comments I've received. They inspire me.

Thanks to Charmed One off the L Chat board for the inspiration for this chapter :) It's a bit different from the other chapters but I couldn't resist, hope you enjoy!

CHAPTER 11

Marina was nervous. The afternoon had gone so well, more beautiful than she had imagined and now she sat in bed waiting for Clara to arrive. She'd showered and slipped into a satin negligee, the texture of the garment silky against her sensitized skin. She'd carefully dabbed perfume, the one that Clara loved, on her pulse points, just in case. She arranged and re-arranged herself a number of times, unable to sit still. This was it, she thought, after so many months. Tonight would be the night, she was sure.

Finally the door cracked open and Clara stood in the doorway. Wrapped in a robe, hair tumbling down her shoulders, she was, quite simply, gorgeous.

"Hey." Clara said, her voice thrumming as she elongated the word, rolling it around her mouth. She bit her lip and then flashed a smile as she sauntered, a little unsteadily, forward to the foot of the bed.

"Hey." Marina said and patted the spot next to her. Clara obliged, she climbed onto the bed, sitting on her heels.

"Soooooooo..." she said and cleared her throat. She leaned in and kissed Marina a little too forcefully, pushing her over into the pillows as she swung a leg over to straddle her.

"Oops. Sorry, Marina." Clara said wincing. Marina laughed.

"Enthusiastic. I like that."

Clara leaned over, her lips grazing Marina's ear. "I can be very enthusiastic, believe me."

"Oh I believe you."

"I'm going to kiss you now!" Clara said, drawing out the s in a slight sibilant slur and teetering forward to capture Marina's lips

"Ummm, have you been been drinking?" Marina asked before she made it all the way.

"I may have had a glass while I showered." Clara said.

"Okay."

"Or three."

"Oh."

"You know, to relax and all that. I'm just a kinda, a leeeeedle bit nervous..."

Marina smiled. Clara was managing to be adorably cute and sexy as hell all at the same time.

"Gosh, you are so beautiful, Marina. Do you know that?" Clara said as she hovered inches away. "You are the most stunning, beautiful...stunning woman I've ever met. Ever!"

"You're not so bad yourself, you know."

"I'm nervous, Marina 'cause I don't know what to do." Clara said, her voice dropping into a false whisper, "to, you know... have lesbian sex."

"Well, luckily I do."

"I looked it up online, you know. To see what you do and it sent me to porn sites and when I did find an actual proper website it just confused me, you know? It talked about scissors and..." Clara looked around the room as if checking there was no one else there and mouthed "dildos! Are we going to use dildos, Marina?"

"Um, well I hadn't planned on it..." Marina bit her lip. Clara seemed so earnestly concerned.

"Oh thank god!" Clara said throwing her hands up in the air dramatically, "Wouldn't know what to do with one, you see, Cadu wasn't... well you know, adventurous. He liked to be on top and I would lie on the bottom and sometimes, I'd be on top but..."

"Aaah, okay, Clara, I uh... I get the idea." she said laughing both highly amused and somewhat perturbed. Talking about Cadu wasn't exactly what she had in mind when she imagined their first night together. "Darling, How much wine did you drink exactly?"

"I may have drunk a bottle."

"In addition to the champagne we had?"

"Yes." she said in a small voice as if she was three and she'd just been told off.

"I think you're just a wee bit drunk, my love."

"I think I am too. Gosh. I think it's hitting me."

Clara climbed off Marina and fell down beside her.

"The room is spinning. And it's hot!" She exclaimed, fanning herself a moment before untying her robe and starting to extricate her arms clumsily from it. She fell back down onto the bed.

Marina laughed, a hearty laugh. "Oh honey, you're naked."

"That's how you have sex, right, naked?"

"Of course... but I... I just wasn't expecting that."

"You've already seen me naked, you know. At the photoshoot, remember?"

"Yeah, I remember. How could I forget?"

"I remember because it was our first kiss and it was amazing. Ah-ma-zing. You rocked my world, you know that, Marina? Gosh, you're beautiful. I could look at you forever."

Clara had turned on her side to face Marina tucked her arms under her ear and was looking at her intently.

"I think you liked seeing me naked, didn't you?" Clara continued barely skipping a beat.

"Well you are really quite stunning. But that was a professional shoot, so I hope I didn't make you feel like I was ravishing you with my eyes."

"No, I think you were very good. Amazing. The best photographer ever. But I think you like my shoulders best. And my boobs, even if they are a little saggy after Ivan 'cause I caught you staring a few times." She cupped a breast and looked closely at it. "More than a mouthful's a waste!"

"Oh god, Clara!" Marina laughed and found she couldn't stop. This whole conversation was amusing her so much she couldn't quite bring herself to be upset that things weren't going smoothly.

"I shouldn't drink this much, Marina. I'm going to be very embarrassed in the morning."

"I can imagine you will!"

"You just make me all nervous and fluttery, I can't help it. But, Marina, seriously, seriously." Clara said her voice dropping as she inched in, tangling their legs together and bringing their heads close, her gaze suddenly quite serious, "do you know how very sexy you are? I think you're the sexiest woman I've ever met. "

Marina kissed her softly.

"I love you, Clara. So much."

"Oh my God, I love you too, Marina! So, so much. I love you so much I feel like my heart is going to burst and I'm going to fall into a million pieces and you'll never be able to put me together again, just like humpty dumpty. So are we going to have sex?"

"Aaah, honey... I think that maybe we should just go to sleep tonight." she said chuckling

"You don't want to..." her face looked suddenly forlorn.

"Clarinha, I think you're just a bit too drunk and I want our first time together to be special."

"Oi! You're right." Clara buried her head in her hands, "I'm so embarrassed, I can't look at you."

"It's okay, my love." Marina said, prying the hands away. "But let's go to sleep, shall we? We have all the time in the world." She kissed her again.

"You're right. Gosh, you are so wise, Marina. So wise!" she said as she climbed under the sheets and pressed herself against Marina's side, burying her face in her neck, her nose grazing her neck. "I'm glad you're wise because I shouldn't drink this much and you smell so good right now I could eat you."

They lay there a moment.

"Um, Clara?"

"Hmmmmm?"

"I really think you should put some clothes on."


	12. Chapter 12

To the guest who posted about 8 reviews (I'm assuming it was the same person!) Thank you for making me laugh :) . I'm glad to see you're keen for the next chapters! :) To let you know:

I post Sunday and Wednesday, usually before 7pm my time which is Pacific Central Time. I can post as early at 12pm my time but depends on my schedule which changes all the time. Also Ch13 is a chapter you will want to read. Just sayin'. I have at least 5 or so more chapters planned, but how many depends on how much I end up writing when I get to writing it as I'm only about 2 chapters ahead at this point (scary!)

Thank you to all who have written reviews, I so enjoy getting them even if it's just a word or a line. :)

CHAPTER TWELVE

Clara awoke with a headache and crystal clear memory of what had happened. She was mortified. Marina just laughed , kissed her and told her that there was nothing to be embarrassed about but that next time she showed up naked in her bed, she would be in trouble. Clara thought she wouldn't mind being in trouble with Marina.

They were at the gallery from 8.30am and worked solidly throughout the day to finalise the details of the opening that night. They returned to the hotel in the late afternoon to get ready for the 8pm start. Clara took the opportunity to call Ivan again. He'd just sat down to lunch with Cadu and told her excitedly about how they were going to the beach in the afternoon. She listened to his childish voice prattle on and she thought about Cadu's threat to take him away from her. The thought had played in her mind the entire trip, never quite silenced and she feared what this would mean when she got back. She asked if Cadu could talk. As she had hoped, he wouldn't say no with Ivan there although he greeted her reluctantly and they spoke only briefly.

"Are you okay? How's your heart, have you taken your medication?"

A pause at the end of the line and then the sound of his footsteps and the clicking of a door.

"You don't have the right to ask me that anymore."

The rest of the conversation was just as hostile and Clara understood why but her heart sank. She couldn't bring herself to broach the subject that needed discussing most. Later. It could be for later.

After she hung up she closed her eyes and wondered if things could have played out differently but she suspected not. She pushed them aside, these were things for another time because she was in Paris and there was an exhibition to get to. She wouldn't let anything mar this.

xxx

She entered Marina's room to find a vision. Her hair twisted up, a fitted, knee length dress that hugged her curves, a pair of killer heels and diamond earrings that danced enticingly in the low light. Marina seemed to appreciate Clara's outfit just as much, the black strapless chiffon dress that fell to her feet, revealing a silky decollete that Marina ran her hands over and kissed appreciatively, leaving goosebumps in her wake.

"You look divine, Clara."

The dark pools of her eyes coveted her figure and Clara felt a shiver down her spine, a flutter in her stomach, Marina's hands warm and solid as they came to rest on her waist. She felt the air between them begin to crackle. Her chest rose in a shallow breath as Marina moved in close, almost but not quite touching, until their lips were millimeters apart. Clara could feel Marina's breath on them.

"We should probably get going or we might never make it." Marina breathed and then stepped away. Clara took a moment to compose herself.

They arrived at the gallery with time to spare and through the window she could see people were already lining up outside. Clara's heart began to beat double time. She still hadn't seen her photos and she looked the line of people and realised they were about to see her in all her naked glory. She hoped the word glory could be applied to it. She wondered what had possessed her to agree to attending the opening.

"Are you ready to see your photos, Clara?"

Clara nodded mutely.

"Close your eyes" Marina said and taking her by the hand, she guided her to the corner to where her photos hung, their heels clicking on the hardwood flooring and echoing through the empty space. "You can look now."

Tentatively she cracked an eyelid. She looked. She stepped closer. There she was, naked, in the middle of the Brazilian rainforest. It looked like she had been caught, captured in a brief moment before she disappeared again amongst the trees. Her smooth tanned skin seemed to glow, her hair falling thick over her shoulders but it was her gaze that most arrested her. She was looking straight down the camera, her eyes clear and deep. This photo, Clara remembered was amongst the final shots that had been taken, when she'd felt brave enough within herself, relaxed enough to stand up, to reveal herself entirely to the camera's lens. She studied her body, noting the imperfections but oddly feeling perfectly okay about them, in fact liking them, for it was within those imperfections that the rawness of the photos really took shape. This was not an airbrushed, romanticises portrait, there was something edgy about it, in keeping with Marina's iconic style.

"Well?" Marina asked and Clara realised she'd just been standing there in silence looking at the larger than life picture for some moments.

"I... like it. I didn't think I could, but I do. I like it a lot."

Marina clapped her hands and hugged her. "You have no idea how happy I am to hear that!"

"It's like I see that it's me and yet I see it objectively as though it isn't. I don't know how you did it, but you did Marina, you captured the element of Earth within me."

"You have to give yourself credit, Clara. You captured the essence of it and I just photographed it. It's in eyes that we see it. Look. So proud and fierce and yet the longer you look the more compassion can be seen. There's a duality that plays out that I love. You are Gaia. Mother Earth."

"Thank-you, Marina." Clara said, slipping her arms around her waist and resting their foreheads together, "Thank you for everything – for showing me who I am and who I can be. For recognising it in me. For giving me the courage to step into that. I can never express how much that means to me, my darling."

"You're welcome, Clarinha." Marina said and kissed her.

They moved through to the main entrance where the photographers and invited guests were already eating the hors d'oeuvre being passed around by waiters in crisp white shirts and black waist coats. Marina greeted people she knew, speaking in a mixture of French and English that Clara couldn't understand but she didn't mind, she stood at her side their hands interlaced and she glowed with a quiet serenity. She felt full to overflowing with gratitude.

When the guests had all but arrived, Edouard tapped his glass, said a few words and then they were free to walk through the exhibitions. It wasn't long before Marina was being approached, effusive words or congratulations tumbling form their lips and a number of times they turned to look at her, recognition on their faces and then they were shaking her hand and speaking in rapid fire French. Clara, at first, felt supremely self-conscious. She stuttered 'merci' and didn't know where to look, unable to overcome the thought that these strangers knew what she looked like without clothes on. But she found, as the evening wore on, that she was actually okay with that – somehow. When she stopped to figure out why, she discovered that it was because the things that were making her self-conscious - her qualms, her inhibitions - were actually not even hers. They were the qualms and inhibitions of others that she'd picked up at some point in her life and worn like a second skin. It was only as she came face to face with these guests expressing their enthusiasm and admiration for something she would have spurned doing not six months ago, that she realised she had the right to be proud of what she'd done. She didn't have to feel ashamed anymore, the way Cadu and others like him felt she should. And with that realisation she shed that ill fitting skin. The old Clara, the one who thought herself unexceptional, plain, small was entirely discarded on this night; the transformation that had begun when she'd first felt Marina's eyes on her was completed. She was now a woman standing fully in her own power. She smiled and returned the guest's handshakes and Marina stood to the side, a look on her face like she couldn't be more proud.

Eventually the crowd began to thin and Marina turned to Clara.

"You want to get out of here?"

Clara nodded.

"Are you up for a little adventure?" Marina asked.

They collected their jackets from the cloakroom and stepped outside. Marina hailed cab and then they were speeding through the Parisienne night. As they turned down the Quay d'Orsay, it came into view and Clara turned to Marina.

"Are we going to climb that?"

"We can hardly visit Paris, without coming here, don't you think?"

They were dropped off and there it stood, towering above them, La Tour Eiffel, illuminated in a golden light. The usual crowds were absent at this late hour, a handful night tourists littered the vast base of the tower and it took them only a few minutes to purchase their tickets. Soon they were riding up the elevator to the third level, stepping out onto the iron structure some 300 meters above the ground. Paris sprawled in all directions, the night lights winking at them as they criss crossed their way down the streets, the headlights of cars tiny as they moved about below.

"It's so beautiful!" Clara cried enthusiastically, leaning against the railing and breathing in the cool spring air. Stepping in behind her, Marina slipped her arms around her waist.

"It's my favourite view of Paris." she murmured into her ear.

Clara could see why. Standing so high above the world, seeing everything so far away, it put everything in perspective. It's all small stuff. Up here her worries and concerns seemed less pressing because it would be okay. The arms that held her, made her feel like whatever came their way, it would be okay. She felt a lightness suffuse her and she laughed. They rocked together.

"Ah, Marina." she sighed. "I can't believe I'm actually here, in Paris, with you."

"I'm so glad you came. You have no idea how happy that makes me."

"Me too."

"You know, there is one thing that I would very much like to do." Marina said.

"And what would that be?"

"To kiss the woman I love."

"On the Eiffel Tower in the most romantic city in the world? How very sappy of you, my darling." Clara said smiling and turned in her arms. "But who am I to begrudge you such a simple thing?"

She cupped Marina's face, looking into her eyes and kissed her. They wrapped their arm around each other, their lips parting, their embrace deepening, leaving them breathless, alive and free, savouring this delicious moment at the top of the world.


	13. Chapter 13

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

They shared a Crème brûlée at the restaurant 58 Tour Eiffel on the 1st floor of the tower then walked hand in hand through the Jardin de Trocadero. On the steps of the Palais de Chaillot they turned around to view La Tour Eiffel standing proudly above the rest of the city. They hugged each other for warmth and spoke soft words of affection. Then they took a taxi back to the hotel room.

Implicitly they knew what would come next and as the door closed behind them, the air seemed to change. It sizzled and popped, drawing them out of the orbit they'd carefully maintained for so long, swinging them around into a spiraling vortex.

They were shy. Tentative. At first they stood, their hands moving together in a slow dance, gazes catching and releasing. The desire in Marina's eyes made Clara's pulse quicken, the smooth touch of her fingertips made her skin vibrate. She was the instrument and Marina was strumming her to a high C. Slowly, removing Marina's jacket, she ran her hands over her shoulders and down her arms. She rested her hands on those slight hips, feeling the weave of the dress below her fingertips. She pulled Marina in so their bodies barely touched, breathing her in, closing her eyes as she felt Marinas hands slip her jacket off too, her mouth traveling along her shoulder, her neck, her jaw, warm against her skin. They kissed. There was something about those lips against hers that made Clara tremble. That made that fire in the pit of her stomach crackle. That made her want. She whimpered into that kiss, felt herself melt and her breath catch as their tongues moved together. Marina's hands were on her back, pressing their bodies tighter. So soft. So achingly soft.

Then Marina pulled back, her hands on Clara's upper chest, fingers dipping beneath the elastic of her dress, grazing the swell of her breast, her lips kissing the length of her collar bone. Clara tilted her head, her eyes closed, feeling her nipples harden as her dress was pulled down, past her torso, past her hips, until it fell at her feet. Marina took her hands and drew her towards the bed and sitting her down on the edge. Clara watched as she stood in front of her, peeling her own dress off slowly, revealing a perfectly formed body, slipping out of her pumps, unabashedly coveting Clara with her bedroom eyes. Clara bit her lip. She had never desired the female form until Marina but there was something in the softness of those curves that excited her, that teased up a secret desire in her. She wanted to touch and yet barely knew how, she who had always touched men, not women.

Marina moved in to straddle her lap, her hand resting on Clara's cheeks, tilting her head up so to capture her lips. When Clara's hands smoothed across the sway of her back, she arched in as she deepened the kiss. Clara could feel Marina's hunger broiling beneath the surface, she could feel how she held herself just in check, keeping it slow, keeping it soft and tender, coaxing her gently out with the tip of her tongue. She groaned into her, wrapping her arms around her torso. She felt Marina slide a hand down to the clasp of her bra and deftly un-hooking it pulling back and watching her as she did so, as if to make sure that she was okay, that it wasn't moving too fast. When Clara made no protest, she slid it off. Then Marina guided Clara's hands to the clasp of her own bra, their eyes locked as that too was discarded, offering her body up for Clara to explore. With hesitant fingertips, Clara moved over stomach, back and thighs. She ghosted kisses across Marina's chest and down the valley of her breasts, pausing until Marina, understanding, cupped her breast in invitation. Clara looked up at those hooded eyes.

"Please." Marina whispered.

With shaky breath, Clara took the nipple in her mouth and heard Marina moan, a sound that shot straight through her. Emboldened, she sucked and circled her tongue around the tip, flicking it with her tongue, her hands splayed across Marina's back. Then she moved to the other breast and placing her wet mouth on the hard pink nipple, her nose pressing into the soft flesh.

"Oh!" Marina murmured, her breath heavy, her hands winding themselves into Clara's hair.

Clara could feel Marina's center hot against her thigh and her hips began, ever so slightly, to rock. When Clara released the nipple she looked up and saw Marina with her head tilted and her hair falling in waves over her shoulders. This woman was a goddess. Marina looked down, her eyes flashed and darkened. She pushed Clara down onto the bed, her hands trailing fire over her skin, making her burn, making her ache, making her groan into their kiss. Lips on skin, Marina's mouth claiming her, stamping her forever. A tongue darting out as she licked on the hollow of her neck, her hand and then mouth on her breasts, Clara's hands digging into Marina's back. Unraveling. Each sensation was a layer of what use to be discarded as Marina peeled away something that she hadn't even known bound her, loosening the stays of a confinement that became only apparent now. Those eyes. Those almond eyes that held hers, full of tenderness, full of love, full of desire.

She gasped when Marina's hand smoothed down a thigh and cupped her, her fingers boldly stroking the smooth fabric of her panties.

"You okay?" Marina whispered as she moved to settle against the side of Clara's body.

Clara nodded mutely. Her chest rose and fell, anticipation building inside her, sweet agony. Marina softly kissed her cheek as a finger traced the edge of the elastic, thrilling against the silky inner thigh. She pulled at the waistband of her panties. Clara obliged, lifting her hips up and then she lay naked and vulnerable on the bed.

"You're so beautiful." Marina said, her hands smoothing over her body and then settling back on her sex. Clara parted her legs wider. A silence fell upon them as they looked at each other, as the pad of Marina's finger dipped in between her lips, trailing her wetness over the sensitive numb, Marina watching her reaction, smiling when she found that magic spot. She set a steady rhythm. Clara moaned, bit her lip, clinging to Marina's body to anchor herself against the untethering effects of the sensation. The vortex began to close in on itself. When Marina's hand moved down to circle her opening, she bucked.

"Oh God!" she cried out as Marina slid inside her. Marina's eyes fluttered closed and she buried her face in her neck.

"You feel so good." she groaned, her fingers curving to stroke the soft ridges of Clara's g-spot. Her thumb began to deftly flick her clit as she moved steadily, capturing Clara's lips in a searing kiss, increasing the pressure. Clara could do nothing, only feel. Feel those fingers move inside her, as the heat in her stomach tightened, condensed into a pin prick as the pressure built, Marina's hot ragged breath against her ear spurring her on. The fingers moving faster now, making her sing, making her toes curl, making her come undone. She was on fire and everything gave way to it as it roared in her ears and made the world fade out of focus. Never had it been like this. Never had she been left so helpless, never had it felt so terrifying, so sweet; never had she wanted it more. She teetered on the edge.

"Just relax," Marina murmured into her ear, "I've got you, I've got you."

Then Marina's hot mouth claimed her nipple making Clara gasp. She arched against that hand, feeling that pin prick condense further to the epicenter of the vortex until it exploded as she cried out, as she shattered, as she felt a wave of extacy burn bright, enveloping her body entirely and pulling her out of herself into the stratosphere.

"My love, my love, my love." Marina murmured as she came back to rest in her body. Clara's hands rose to cover her face, overcome. She tried to catch her breath.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Marina asked, prying her hands away. "Don't cry, my love, don't cry! I'll cry too in minute." she said, the tears already pooling.

"No, no, Marina, it's good, these are good tears."

Marina wiped them away and kissed her face gently.

"It's just all so much, you know?" Clara said. "It's all so painfully beautiful."

"I know, I know," Marina said, "I understand."

They settled facing each other, Clara's hand moved slowly up and down the length of Marina's torso. She let her heart abate, she let the tears be, drifting. Then her hand skimmed past the hip, sliding past the waistband of Marina's panties, her tear washed eyes flicking up, her intent clear. Marina's breath hitched as the fingertips found her and she lifted her leg to rest on Clara's thigh, giving her access.

"Tell me...if you want something..." Clara whispered her heart pounding as her hand began to move.

"This...this is good." Marina said sucking in her breath.

Fascinated, Clara watched as Marina arched, sighed and tilted her head back, giving herself over to her ministrations. She was not used to this. The ebb and flow, the give and take of being with a woman. She was used to being taken, not taking. There was something heady in it, to hold this power in her hands, to have Marina suppliant beneath her when it had been her turn not five minutes before. She moved to capture her lips, the kiss quickly deepening. Impatient, Marina crushed their mouths together, guiding Clara's fingers inside her, moaning as they penetrated.

"Oh god, Marina!" Clara growled rolling on top of her, her leg driving her fingers deeper. She was so wet. She began to move inside her, sucked on that plump lower lip, her nipples grazing Marina's breasts with each thrust, the palm of her hand slapping against her clit. Marina hands moved to rest on her ass, urging her deeper, faster. She arched and moaned, her walls contracting around Clara's finger, her breath ragged. Clara bit on her neck, sucking on the vein that throbbed and Marina's cries escalated until all at once she cried out, her hands digging in, her body arching and her walls clenching and releasing.

"Oh, oh, oh..." Marina breathed when the orgasm subsided and pulled Clara in a for a kiss. The her body became limp and she closed her eyes, contentment playing on her lips.

Clara slid off and lay down, a leg draped over Marina's torso, a hand drawing lazy circles on her side. There it was, finally. Finally. Her heart felt soft, tender, full of love. This is how it should be. More than the decision to be photographed for the exhibition, more than that first kiss, more than the going to the airport, this was the defining, transcendent moment. Everything else had merely been a precursor, a prologue.

"I can feel you watching me" Marina said after a moment.

"I'm just looking." Clara said with a smile.

Marina laughed and stretched languidly. Her tussled hair spread across the pillow, her lips swollen, her body flushed. She looked satiated. She'd never looked more beautiful.

"I love you, Marina." Clara said.

Marina cracked her eyes open and grinned. She gathered Clara up in her arms.

"I love you too, my love. Forever."


	14. Chapter 14

Thank you for all your reviews and messages, so appreciated!

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Marina was greeted with soft cotton sheets and a warm naked body when she awoke in the morning. She opened her eyes slowly. She was spooning Clara, an arm resting over her waist, their legs tangled. She stretched lazily and nuzzled in closer, her lips coming to rest on the nape of Clara's neck. She smiled. Outside, the day was yet young. A blue sky beckoned with the promise of apple blossoms and coffee, the sound of traffic muted behind double glazed windows but they held no power over her. This was perfect. She drifted somewhere between sleep and waking, her fingers stroking Clara's silky skin.

"Morning my love." Marina said when Clara stirred, propping herself up her head on her elbow as a mussed Clara turned onto her back. "How did you sleep?"

"Mmmmm. So good." she said, blinking sleepily. She smiled and the whole room seemed to brighten. She moved in to kiss Marina. "You?"

"Never better."

They looked at each other with new eyes, memories of last night fresh in their minds. Clara blushing delicately, her eyes dropping, suddenly shy.

"Last night was … wow." Marina said.

"It wasn't... I don't know. Disappointing?"

"Why would you say that?"

"Because I was so nervous, and I didn't know what I was doing -"

Marina lifted her chin with a finger so she could say in all sincerity, "You were... amazing. Amazing, my love, believe me... did you find it ...disappointing?"

Clara smiled and said, "No! No, it was beautiful. Just beautiful."

A hand trucked a strand of Marina's hair behind her ear, lingering as Clara looked up, her warm brown eyes shining. "I never knew it could be like this, Marina. It was so... tender. So loving. So warm. Do you know what I mean?"

"It's because we love each other." she said happily and kissed her, laying her head on Clara's shoulder,enjoying the sensation of their naked bodies entwined.

They lay cocooned in each others arms talking quietly, hands caressing. Laughing. Soft kisses deepened into something more earnest. Marina felt a tightening in her belly. She could feel Clara, receptive beneath her lips, inviting her deeper. They moved without hurry, allowing each moment to linger, taking their time as they explored each other anew, fingertips trailing goosbumps, lips worshiping body, hands kneading flesh. It was slow but heady, their desired yawned wide and deep and they groaned into it. Clara's hand tangled itself into Marina's hair, holding her close, urging her deeper, while the other hand caressed the length of her back to her bottom and up again. When they pulled back and looked into each other's eyes, Marina saw none of the hesitancy from the night before, she saw only a desire that pulled her in, she could drown in that gaze. It made her chest constrict with a feeling so beautiful she didn't know how she could feel it and not burst. This woman who radiated light, this woman who was so strong and yet so soft, this woman that she had looked for in every relationship she'd had was, finally, willingly in her arms and she knew that she was changed forever by her presence. Clara had reached in and touched that deeper part of herself, something she had barely known existed, that timeless place where the soul resides, where truths lives untainted by the grey shades of the physical world, where things are unsullied, pure. Her desire in that moment was to make Clara know this, so she imbued every touch with all her love, her joy and tenderness. She watched Clara respond, teased up, drawn in, hair fanning out over the white of the pillow.

Marina moved to straddle her and rocked, their sex sliding wet together. She watched Clara's gaze darken as she looked up at her, feeling Clara's hands run up her stomach, over her breasts, sending shivers down her spine. Her eyes closed feeling the heat between her thighs. She slid her hand between them to increase the pressure. Clara gasped, arching off the bed, her fingers pinching at her pebbled nipples. Electric. Marina rocked harder, feeling that delicious build up. Sigh, gasp, moan. Clara sat up, her fingernails scraping down Marina's back, her head dipping to claim a breast. Marina wrapped her legs around Clara's waist, crying out as a slow tongue circling her nipple. A tingling radiated out, she could feel their energies mingling, coaxing them up towards that peak. The newness of this lover's touch, the knowledge that her lover was Clara. Clara. It undid her. Her fingers curled around the back of Clara's neck. This wasn't enough, not close enough, not fast enough. Softness gave way to something more primal. She pushed Clara onto the bed, spreading her legs. She circled the wet, swollen opening, watching Clara lie there, chest heaving with anticipation. She pushed a finger in, then two. She moved to hover over her, her hair falling in a curtain about their face, just the two of them in all the world. She watched her. Closed eyes, parted lips, pants growing ragged as Marina thrust in and out. It was like she could see the wave rolling up Clara's body and it was so beautiful. She lowered herself onto a leg, the contact making her hiss and she began undulate her hips. Clara's hands rose, pushing her down harder. They kissed, moaning into each other's mouths, moving in synchronicity. The measured pace became erratic now, their moans accelerating, desperate as they tried to merge together, to become one, grasping at each other, feeling the tide of their desire draw back, gathering to a crescendo, until they were crying out, until they were exploding. Rapture.

They lay tangled, Marina collapsed on top of Clara, her breath shaky. She wanted to laugh and cry all at once. She wanted to fling open the balcony doors and shout her love to the world outside, she wanted to hole up in this bed and keep Clara to herself forever. They drifted for some time before the day called out to them.

They checked out, leaving their luggage at reception for pick up before their flight that evening. The sun shone and the stretched before them with tantalizing possibility. Together they meandered the streets to a boulangerie that Marina loved. They sat outside at the little round table with it's red and white checkered table cloth, their cafe au lait and a croissant. Beneath the table their feet touched as if, of their own accord, their bodies sought each other out.

This being Clara's first time in Paris, Marina suggested they walk the cobbled riverside to catch the bateaux mouches down the river Seine to Notre Dame. On the boat they took a selfie, their happy faces smiling up at the camera. Marina turned Clara's face and kissed her as her phone camera clicked again, and then again as Clara buried her head in Marina's shoulder in embarrassment. They held hands sitting in the yellow seats side by side.

The area outside the Notre Dame was crowded with tourists of which there was a constant stream entering and leaving the impressive building. Tourists posed in front of the building for photos, a musician played 'La Valse d'Amilie' on the accordion, wearing the beret and the black and white striped top, bowing with a sonorous 'Merci bien!' when tourists dropped a few coins in. A large bear like man in his late twenties walked through the crowd with a sign that said 'FREE HUGS' in English. A dottery old man with a cane walked up to him and opened his arms, the young man swept him with glee. Inside, despite all the people, there was a hush.

They walked side by side to the wooden pews where some people knelt, their heads bent in prayer. Clara crossed herself, they sat down and looked at the stain glassed windows, the pillars, the stone work. Marina had to admit that it was a beautiful building in its imposing way. The photographer in her couldn't help but admire the way the light filtered through the coloured glass, a sense of an old Paris was tangible in the air. She could imagine the men, women and children coming to church in a time long past where their love would have earned them both a fiery death.

When she looked she saw that Clara had knelt down, her hair falling forward to obscure her face and her hands clasped in front of her. She stayed for some time in prayer without moving. Then she murmured 'amen' and sat back up. She stayed a moment her hands clasped to her heart, her face serene and then she drew breath and opened her eyes, looking to Marina.

"You're not religious, are you?" she asked quietly.

"Not particularly, my love. My family is Catholic and I was baptized, but we never went to church."

"I confess we only ever seem to go for the big celebrations."

"But you have the faith. That is clear."

"I do. Very much so. I prayed every day for God and the saints to show me the path I should take."

"I'm so glad they pointed you towards me." Marina said and smiled.

"They did. Consistently and unerringly. And for that I thank them, from the bottom of my heart."

Clara took Marina's hand in her lap and interlaced their fingers as they sat side by side in the church of God.

"I'm curious, Clara." Marina said, looking at the their hands, "Did you ever think that loving me could be wrong in the eyes of God?"

Clara seemed to think a moment. "No." she finally said. "The God I believe in is a God of love. How could he condemn something so beautiful?"

"It is beautiful, isn't it?" Marina said.

"Yes. It is." Clara said a soft smile on her lips. "But what about you. Do you believe in God, Marina?"

"I believe... in something. Maybe not in the God that the church portrays, but I believe there is more to life than this, that when we die, it isn't the end. That God, the universal consciousness, whatever you call it is love and love is powerful because it shines light on even the greatest darkness, that it can heal even the deepest wounds. So when you experience love, you honour it because you are experiencing God."

"That's beautiful" Clara said squeezing her hand her eyes warm. "I feel the same way."

xxx

The Sacré-Cœur rose proudly above the narrow streets of Monmatre, its white edifice bright against the blue of the sky. When Marina had asked if Clara would like to visit the the Louvre or the Museé d'Orsey, she had said that a day like today was simply too beautiful to waste indoors, even if it did mean missing out on iconic artwork. They'd walked along the river a ways, passing stalls with paintings and photographs, second hand books and souvenirs where Clara bought a few gifts for Ivan. A twenty minute taxi drive found them walking up the charming cobbled street that lead to the base of the Monmatre hill where the roman-catholic church resided. It was breathtaking in quite a different way from the gothic Notre Dame, seemed to tower above the district like a benevolent protector. To the left a merry-go-round a la Mary Poppins played its carnival music and flights of stairs rose up on either side, leading to the top of the hill and highest point in Paris. They meandered their way up to the top, Clara's hand gently massaging the skin of Marina's neck. They sat on a bench watching the view that overlooked the bustle of Paris, spreading far and wide.

"I wish we didn't have to go back this evening." Marina sighed, her hand tracing a lazy line along Clara's forearm.

"A few more days here with you all to myself would be...amazing."

"Alas."

"Alas."

"I'm glad we had this time together though."

"It's been a gift, Marina. An oasis." Clara said, kissed Marina's cheek and placed her head on her shoulder.

Marina closed her eyes, a small smile playing on her lips. She could feel Clara's cheek against her skin and the flutter of eyelashes as Clara blinked.

"I guess then it'll be back to reality." Marina said.

"It'll be back to something."

"Have you spoken with Cad about what'll happen?"

"He doesn't want to talk to me. I guess I can't blame him, he's hurting. We'll have to talk when I get home, sort some thing out. I suppose I should move out, seeing as I'm the one that left him."

"What about Ivan?"

"I'll stay with Helena. That way I'll be just down the corridor from him."

"I suppose you coming to stay with me is out of the question then?"

"Marina, my love, I'm sorry. I need to be close to my son, I need to make sure that whatever happens, he's okay."

Marina frowned. "What do you mean, whatever happens?"

Clara sat up, looking at the hands in her lap, a slow breath filling her lungs. "He said he'd fight for sole custody."

"Really?"

"He won't win, he has not legal leg to stand on, but I'm afraid...afraid that his anger will hurt Ivan. That his anger at me will make him do and say things that could hurt my son."

Marina slipped her hands into Clara's, gently squeezing them and when Clara looked up, Marina could see the tears gathering.

"I'm sorry." Marina said softly.

"What are you sorry for?" Clara said with a small laugh as she tried to shake it off. "It's not your fault."

"Isn't it?"

"What do you mean?"

"I knew you were married. I pursued you just the same, without a second thought."

"Did we have a choice? Could you have walked away, Marina?"

Marina turned to look at the view as if the answer lay in hidden in the network of streets beyond.

"No."

"Neither could I. This is bigger than us, somehow. I don't think we could have walked away if we tried - And it's not like we didn't try."

"We didn't try too hard."

"Because we knew it was pointless. When it came down to it, I couldn't give you up. I didn't want to! Our situation was hard enough, why make it harder?"

Marina smiled and kissed Clara's temple

"I don't know what I would have done if you'd walked away, Clara."

"You would have been fine."

"I don't think I would have been. I'm not strong like you."

Clara frowned. "You're one of the strongest women I know!"

"You under estimate yourself, Clara. I admire the fortitude you've had and the grace and light with which you handled it all. Seeing you like that helped me stay strong."

Clara laughed, tucking a strand of hair behind Marina's ear, her thumb stroking her cheek. "Funny, because you helped me stay strong."

With her finger tips she turned Marina's face to hers and kissed her. Marina looked into her warm eyes and felt a burst of happiness in her chest. Here she was in Paris on a gorgeous spring afternoon sitting on a bench with this amazing woman. And this amazing woman was with her.

Xxxx

They ate in a bistro down the street and were just finishing when Marina's phone rang. Clara watched as she fished it out of her bag and frowned at the caller id.

"Vanessa? What is it-" she said. "Calm down, Van, calm down! What is it, what's wrong?"

Clara watched as Marina her face dropped away. Her skin prickled.

"But...Van, how... I … I don't understand. Yes, no, of course, of course, right away, I'll see what I can do...Oh God, I don't believe..." her face dropped into her hand. "How, Van? Tell me...Everything? Are you serious? I... Oh God." She was standing up, grabbing her wallet and throwing some cash on the table. She grabbed Clara's hand and they were exiting onto the street. They hurried down the road, Clara's alarm growing progressively. She could guess at what had happened. She hailed down a taxi cab while Marina continued to talk, taking her free hand and squeezing it as they sped through traffic back to the hotel.

When she hung up, Marina turned to Clara, her face pale. There was shock in her eyes and when she spoke, it was as if she couldn't believe what she was saying.

"It's gone, Clara. The house, the studio... everything. I've lost everything." 


	15. Chapter 15

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

"Dad. It's me again. Call me as soon as you get this message, please."

Marina hung up, dropping her phone into her lap. She was seated in the empty departure lounge of the Charles de Gaulle airport staring out the window at the Parisienne dusk. Planes, ghostly grey in the fading light, ferried along the runway, their lights blinking as they awaited their turn to take off. She felt strange. Like the ground had fallen away from under her and she was wondering when she'd hit the ground and how much it would hurt.

They'd picked up their luggage and headed straight for the airport with the intention of changing their airplane tickets to an earlier flight, but there had been no seats available. They'd ended up having to wait for their scheduled departure time and the remaining hour and a half stretched out, interminable.

"Here. Drink this, my love."

Clara held out a take out cup for her, sitting down and taking her free hand in hers. It was warm from holding her tea.

"It's chamomile. To help sooth."

"Thank you."

She placed it in the cup holder until it cooled.

"Did you reach your lawyer?" Clara asked.

Marina nodded.

"And?"

"I'll meet with them tomorrow first thing and they'll let me know exactly what is going on."

Clara squeezed her hand.

"It'll be okay." she said.

"I wish I could have your optimism."

"It will be, Marina. No matter what happens, it'll be okay."

Clara said it with a smile, a lightness. She said in a way that made Marina want to believe this could be true. She kissed Clara's hand and placed it against her heart.

"I'm so glad you're with me." she said and her eyes misted.

"Hey, don't cry!" Clara said catching a tear with the tip of her finger, "Didn't I tell you, tears don't suit you?"

Marina couldn't help but respond with a small laugh. She wondered where Clara got her strength from, her optimism. She who'd had all the advantages in life seemed to view the world as harsher than Clara. She wished she could crawl inside her and understand it the way she did. Maybe then the tightness in her throat would abate. Maybe the fear would subside. She'd never had to think about the future before because she'd always been secure in the knowledge that her dad was there when she needed him. And now he wasn't even picking up the phone.

Clara's arm wrapped around her shoulder, pulling her head onto her shoulder and murmured words of comfort while Marina cried.

Xxx

They landed at midnight and in spite of the late hour, the airport was still bustling with tired travelers. Clara felt drained from the eleven hour flight. Marina had slept a good portion of it, tucked up against her while Clara had dozed only fitfully. The rest of the time Marina had sat quietly while they watched a movie. She'd seemed unwilling to talk but Clara could see dis-ease in every line of her body and could only imagine what was going through her right now. If she could magically reach in and make it all okay, she would but instead she just held Marina's delicate hand in hers while they awaited their luggage even though she felt like people were staring, as if they knew and were judging. She steeled herself against it, chided herself and held on tighter.

It felt strange to be back. It felt almost jarring, like she was trying to fit back into a box she'd been living in for years, that couldn't hold her any longer and she was only now becoming aware of just how uncomfortable it had been. She'd been gone for only 3 days but it may as well have been months when looking at the shift that had taken place inside of her. She longed to see Ivan, kiss his sweet forehead and watch him sleep. She also dread entering that apartment and facing Cadu, facing the end of their marriage.

Vanessa was waiting at arrival gate when they emerged, her porcelain face turning sour when she saw their hands interlaced. Marina hugged her fiercely.

"I'm so glad you're here." she said

While Clara and Marina waited for her to bring the car around, Marina turned to her.

"Will you stay with me tonight? I think I could sleep if I could listen to your heartbeat."

Clara hesitated.

"You can go home in the morning, I'll drop you off before Ivan leaves for school. Please." She said softly

Clara couldn't say no.

Little was said on the trip to Santa Teresa. Marina sat in the front next to Vanessa, holding onto to Clara's hand that rested on her shoulder from the back seat. Clara heard her tiredly tell Vanessa that she didn't want to discuss anything right now. Clara watched the street lights flicker past, her forehead resting against the window pane and wondered what lay ahead for them.

Marina fell asleep easily as if her troubles had a soporific effect on her. Clara held her, rubbing a soothing hand along her back until she too drifted off. No matter what, she thought as the world blended into dreamscape, it was the two of them together, no matter what.

Xxx

When Clara opened the door to the apartment the next morning, she walked in on Ivan and Cadu having breakfast. Ivan jumped up and ran into her arms, hugging her tight and telling her how much she was missed. She crouched down and pulled him into her, kissing him repeatedly.

"Mum!" He said, wiping his cheek.

"I missed you so much, so much!"

"I though you were coming home last night!"

"It was late, my darling, and I didn't want to wake you up making a racket."

"Yeah, especially since it was a school night. Well, I would stand and talk, mum, but I have to get to school. Are you taking me?"

Clara looked to Cadu who was sitting silently at the table. She raised a questioning eyebrow and he shrugged his shoulders.

"Yes, darling, I'll take you."

She ruffled his hair affectionately.

"Good, because I want to tell you all about what dad and I got up to."

He ran to the table and grabbed the last of his toast before absconding into his bedroom to get his thing.

Clara stood up, shoving her hands into the back pocket of her jeans. She walked to the table slowly.

"Hi, Cadu." she said, her heart beating fast.

"Hello, Clara."

Clara sat down in Ivan's seat, looking at Cadu's somber face. She still loved this man. She'd wondered as she climbed the steps to their apartment if she would look at him and for things to be different because she felt so different, but she knew she still loved him, perhaps she always would. But in the same breath she also knew that she loved Marina more. It was strange and incomprehensible, but there it was.

"Can we talk when I get back from dropping Ivan?"

"I was planning on going to the bistro."

"Cadu... are you ready to be working again? Your heart..."

"My heart is not your concern anymore."

"It is Cadu. I still care about you and you are Ivan's father. It's most definitely my concern."

"I'm going to the bistro."

"Then I'll come find you there."

"Fine."

Ivan skipped into the room and took Clara's hand.

"Let's go?"

"Let's go."

He pulled her out the door, chatting about how Cadu had kicked the ball around with him at the beach and hadn't even gotten tired, about how he'd eaten at Aunty Helena's because afterwards Cadu fell asleep and forgot to make dinner. Once in the car, however, he grew silent and swung his legs, hitting the bottom of the seat.

"Ivan, please don't bang your legs like that."

"Sorry, mum. It's just I'm thinking."

"What are you thinking about, son?" Clara asked looking into the review mirror to see his pensive face.

"Well, I want to ask you something, but I don't want you to get mad."

"How about I promise not to get mad?"

"Okay, but you have to promise not to tell me off, okay?"

"I promise." she said crossing her heart and kissing her fingers. "What is it?"

"Well, you see, Uncle Nando came over last night and I was meant to be in bed but I wanted a drink of water and I overheard them talking and now I'm worried."

"Worried about what, my darling?"

"Dad was asking Nando about 'whether he could keep me.' And then Uncle Nando was saying that usually it's the mum who gets cust...custar..."

"Custody."

"Yes, that's it! I don't know what that means. And then dad said that 'I'll be damned if I let Ivan live with two dykes.". He sounded very angry. But mum, why would dad not be able to keep me? And what's a dyke? Why would I live with them and you two?"

Clara's face had dropped. She pursed her lips and gripped the steering wheel until the whites of her knuckles showed and exhaled forcefully out of her nostrils.

"Did you hear anything else?" she asked.

"No." Ivan said and paused. "Are you mad, mum?"

"I'm not mad at you, my darling. But now isn't the right time to talk because I need to drop you off at school. We will talk about this later, okay?"

"After school today?"

Clara hesitated because she couldn't fathom feeling ready to discuss this by the end of the day. But his face reflected in the mirror looked visibly upset.

"Yes." she said.

"Promise?"

"I promise." she said and smiled at him even though inside she was shaking with anger.


	16. Chapter 16

As always, thank you so much for the reviews and encouragement, they really make my day!

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Clara marched between the tables to the bar of the bistro, her bag swinging in her hand. She dumped it with a thud on the granite counter top, making Cadu look up from his paperwork with a start.

"Do you know what Ivan asked me on the way to school, Cadu?" she asked through gritted teeth

"What?"

"He asked me why you were asking Nando about whether you could keep him and why you were saying he might live with dykes. What the fuck, Cadu!? We now need to sit our eight year old son down and tell him something we haven't even discussed yet!

"Calm down, Clara!"

"Calm down? Calm down!? Cadu, we need to tread carefully with this, we need to protect Ivan – this is not protecting him!"

"Clara, lower your voice, there are customers here." Cadu hissed, grabbing her arm and pulling her into his small, windowless office to the side of the kitchen and closing the door. She shook his hand off.

"I didn't know Ivan had heard anything." Cadu said

"Well you shouldn't have been speaking to Nando in the first place, should you?"

"Why the hell not, Clara? My wife had just run away to be with her...lesbian lover..." he spat the words out with disdain, "and I'm supposed to stay at home like a good husband and wait? I told you what would happen if you decided to go to that woman!"

"You would drag Ivan through this?"

"I'm not dragging him through anything. You are. You are, damn it! Take responsibility for your actions, woman! All of this is your doing."

"Don't you dare insinuate that I haven't had Ivan at the front and center of my decisions through all of this. I've though about little else but that and you know what? I decided that me being happy" Clara said, slapping the palm of her hand to her chest, "would be the best thing for Ivan. Because don't think he hasn't felt how bad things have been between us! He knows – but he's too young to understand. And you want to make things worse by trying to get sole custody?!"

"If it'll keep him away from...her."

"Oh my god, She has a name, Cadu!" she cried.

"I won't have my son live in the same house as that woman."

"Who said anything about Ivan living in the same house as Marina?" She asked, incredulous.

"Well what is going to happen? Huh? Where you going to live now, if not with Marina, because rest assured, we don't have the money to pay for a second apartment."

"I'm not going to move in with Marina right this second, we've barely begun to see each other-"

"Oh spare me the details!"

"Cadu! Stop being a petulant child!" Clara shouted, "This isn't about her! This is about us! We need to discuss this, if not for us, then for the sake of our son!"

Clara banged her her fist against the bookcase as she spoke, making a large recipe book tumble to the floor. Tears felt hot in her eyes and she wanted to scream at Cadu for being such a selfish prick but she knew he was just hurting. He was lashing out. She only hoped that his stubbornness wouldn't push him to do something stupid. Cadu was clenching his jaw, his arms on his hips and he looked like he wanted to snap back a retort, but instead he stooped down to pick up the book, smoothing his hand over it before placing it back on the shelf. He leaned back against his desk and put his head in his hand and sat still a moment.

"Fine." he said, "Let's discuss this."

xxx

"How did it go, Marina?"

"It was awful."

"Tell me. Tell me everything."

Marina sat curled up her favourite swivel chair on the phone to Clara. She'd just returned from her lawyers visit with Vanessa. They'd sat, dwarfed at the executive meeting room table, an ostentatious floral arrangement and a fruit basket on the side table, tea and coffee freshly made and a mini-fridge full of refreshments while the lawyer and accountant laid out just how destitute they now were.

"They've seized everything. The house, the studio, my bank accounts... We have a few days and we have be to out of here and I can only take personal effects."

"What about the studio equipment?"

"They said that everything bought with dad's money, we have to leave."

"Oh, my love. I'm so sorry."

"God, how I wish I had not frittered away the money I earned over the years on silly, silly things...I don't know what I'm going to do!"

Marina slid into her chair trying to control her breath, trying to be strong, but feeling as though she was failing miserably. She felt a weight on her heart and there was a lump in her throat that throbbed.

"You're going to take a deep breath and you're going to pack your things and figure out a way to get everything back."

"I don't think I can get anything back, Clara. They hesitated to come and seize it for so long because they wanted iron clad proof that this came from dirty money. I can't believe dad would do this!"

"Have you spoken with him?"

"I still can't get hold of him. Or his assistant. I don't know if he's ignoring my calls because he's ashamed or because he's run off."

"I hope you get to speak to him soon."

"Hopefully."

They were silent a moment.

"What is it, Marina? What's wrong?" Clara asked.

Marina paused. She should have guessed that Clara would feel it like she had intuitively felt her so many times before. Perhaps this, more than anything weighed on her.

"I'm sorry..." she whispered.

"Why are you sorry?"

"This isn't how I imagined things." she said, "I wanted to give you everything you deserve, only beautiful, wonderful things and now..."

"Hey." Clara admonish gently, "None of this talk."

"I'm not even in a position to keep you in your job when you need it the most. I've let you down. This isn't what you signed up for."

"You've not let me down. I love working with you, you haven no idea but it's okay, and I certainly didn't sign up for your money. I'll figure something out and when we get you back on your feet, I expect a job offer and a salary raise."

Marina laughed, relieved. Clara knew how to make her laugh even when she felt the world was crumbling. Marina shifted in her seat, curling her legs under her.

"Can you stay with me tonight?"

"I wish I could. I would love nothing better than to hold you in my arms... but Cadu and I have to sit Ivan down and tell him..."

"Oh, Clara. I'm so sorry, here I am whining about my problems when you have your own difficulties right now. Tell me. How did it go? How was Cadu?

Marina heard Clara exhale slowly at the end of the line.

"Oh, Marina, he's very angry at me. I've never seen him like this before. He's always been happy-go-lucky, the dreamer, the easy going one... this Cadu, though, I don't recognise him..."

"Is he insisting on fighting you for custody?"

"We talked. I hope I got through to him, made him see that we need to make this about protecting Ivan – I guess we'll see. Oh, Marina. I feel so bad, you know, so bad."

"Stop it, Clara. I know you. Right now you are racked with guilt for leaving Cadu, but darling, you did it the best way you could, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"And do you feel you could have made a different choice?"

"No."

"Then no guilt. As hard as it is, this is what needed to happen."

"You're right, my love. You are. My mum once told me that feeling guilty is part of being parent. You just do. But you're right. Look, I have to go but I'll come tomorrow while Ivan is at school and help you with the house, okay?"

"I would love that. I miss you so much."

"I miss you too, my love. So much." Clara's voice had become soft, falling a few notes deeper to vibrate down the line. "I wish I could hold you in my arms tonight."

"Me too." Marina said her heart lifting at these words. "Tomorrow then."

"Tomorrow."

After they hung up Marina leaned back in her chair with a smile on her face. Behind her she could hear footsteps down the stairs. She turned to see Vanessa.

"Oh, Van. Van. Come sit with me." she held out her hand but Vanessa sat down on the sofa a little ways from her. She hunched her shoulders forward, her fingers curling over the edge of her seat. Marina looked at her, feeling a surge of affection for this woman. She'd been with her through so many things and she was so glad that she had her now. She knew she could trust her, she would help figure this mess out, she'd know what to do. She'd figure out how to pack up this house, she'd figure out where to go and how to start over even though, right now, the though of starting fresh was exhausting and all she wanted to do was curl up and go to sleep.

"So you and Clara, huh?" Vanessa said.

They hadn't broached the subject since her return and it hung there between, that one sticking point.

"Yeah. Me and Clara."

Marina wanted to be respectful of Vanessa's feelings but she couldn't help her smile. Vanessa bowed her head, nodding slowly as if absorbing the information. When she looked up Marina detected the sadness that sat just behind the eyes. Marina wished it didn't have to be so.

"I love you so much, Marina."

"I love you too, Van."

"But not the way I love you."

"I'm sorry."

Vanessa nodded. And then she laughed, the kind of laugh that is meant to hide pain, but Marina knew her too well to be fooled.

"I kept thinking, you know, that maybe you'd change your mind. That maybe finally you'd realise that I was here, loving you and that you'd love me too. Stupid!"

Vanessa hit her palm to her forehead as she said this as if mocking herself.

"I'm so sorry Van."

"I've been a fool, Marina, for so long."

She stood, pacing to the window, looking out to the swimming pool, crossing her arms tight across her chest.

"I can't keep doing this." she said.

Marina sat up slowly, turning her chair towards her, feeling a prickle up her spine. "What do you mean?"

"I'm not like you. I can't watch the woman I love be with someone else. And seeing you with her, it kills me, Marina. I don't like what it makes me become."

Vanessa turned around, her eyes full of tears and they frightened Marina. She'd expected snide remarks, jealousy... but not this. Not these words.

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying... that I'll help you pack up. I'll put everything in order with the accounts but once that's done, Marina... I have to go."

"You have to go?" Marina echoed. It felt like Vanessa was talking from far away, saying words that didn't make sense.

"I have to go."

She walked to kneel on the ground at Marina's feet. She cupped her face with both hands, looking into her eyes, tears running down her face.

"I'm sorry."

"No, Van, no! You can't just leave!" Marina's hand wrapped around her wrist. "You're my business partner, you're my dearest friend in all the world! I need you!"

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, but I can't do this anymore. I can't. My life has been so entwined with you that I don't know who I am anymore, because I believed... I though that we- "

"Don't, Van." Marina whispered.

"I'm sorry, Marina. I'm so sorry. I can pretend many things, but even I know that Clara isn't just another woman. Is she?"

Vanessa looked to her and Marina knew that with one word she could keep Vanessa by her side as she had been for so many years. But she couldn't tell that lie.

"No, she's not."

Vanessa stifled a sob, she nodded, pursing her lips into a white line. Her thumbs stroked Marina's cheeks and she leaned forward and kissed her forehead fiercely. And then she stood, clasping her hands together at her chest before turning abruptly, leaving the room, leaving behind Marina, immobile in her chair.

At the airport in Paris, Marina had wondered how much it would hurt when she finally hit the ground. And now she knew. It hurt a whole fucking lot.


	17. Chapter 17

Sorry for being late! I've been busy all day and this chapter needed a re-edit! Enjoy!

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Ivans sat on the couch. Clara was kneeling at this feet and Cadu had his arm around his thin little shoulders.

"But why?" he asked. He sounded so young and small.

"Because sometimes people grow apart and need to go do different things. And that's what happened with your dad and I, isn't it Cadu?"

"But why can't you do different things and for us to stay together, like a family?"

"Because sometimes doing different things and staying together isn't possible, my darling." Clara said.

Ivan's back hunched and he squeezed his eyes closed.

"How do you know it's not possible, mum?"

Clara looked to Cadu. His hand was stroking Ivan's back but his face was stony, accusing her. She was trying to stay calm and answer all of Ivan's questions but she felt a lump in her throat as hard as steel making it hard to speak. She was barely managing to hold back the tears.

"You know when you feel in you heart. And in your gut, my darling."

A pause as Ivan seemed to absorb this.

"Does that mean you don't love dad anymore?" he asked.

"No, my darling, no! I still love your dad very much and I still love you very, very much. But sometimes love changes and things have to change with it."

"Is it because of his heart? Because he got a new one?"

Clara blew out air and wiped away stubborn tears that had battled their way down her cheeks. She wished Cadu would say something.

"No, it's not that."

"It's because you got a job, isn't it?"

"No. It's not that either."

Ivan looked at her, his baby face fierce.

"It is! Because you and dad never used to fight before you got your job."

"It's not the job, Ivan. That's just something I did because I was changing on the inside." She said an took his little hands in hers. They lay there, limp, and that more than anything hurt.

"I needed to grow, Ivan, just like you grow, I needed to try new things, including a job -"

"Are you going to leave to live in Paris? With Marina?"

Clara's stomach dropped. She looked at Ivan closely but then she caught herself. He didn't mean it that way.

"No. I'm not going anywhere, I'll be staying with Aunty Helena until I sort out a place to live, and your dad and I are going to be right here for you, exactly as we always have been. We'll both still take you school, I'll still be here, making you lunches and dinners..."

"Except it won't be the same." Ivan said. "It won't be the same!"

He voice rose and he got up, shrugging Cadu's hand off, running around the sofa for his bedroom. The door slammed shut. Clara looked to Cadu. He wasn't looking at her, he was looking at his hands, his lips pursed. Once upon a time, if she'd looked to him, he would have been there, looking back. She felt, in that moment, like she'd lost him entirely. Clara's head dropped into her hands and she thought her heart might break, it hurt so much. She heard Cadu stand and walk to Ivan's bedroom, she heard the door open and the click shut. She tried to stifle her sobs by burying her face in a pillow, kneeling on the floor in the middle of the living room.

Xxx

"Marina?"

Marina turned around at the sound of Clara's voice.

"My love!"

"Marina... what are you doing?"

"Oh," Marina shrugged, "I felt like going for a swim."

"At 8.30 in the morning? In winter with the rain?"

"It's not that cold."

Marina was kneeling on the steps of her swimming pool submerged up to her neck, her pale skin pasty white beneath the water. She'd been looking up at the steel grey sky. It had begun to rain a half an hour before and she'd closed her eyes, letting the drops fall on her, tears from the sky.

"Honey! You're shivering, you're blue in the lips. How long have you been in the water?"

"Oh, I don't know. A little after dawn..."

"Marina! Come, come, let's get you out, let's warm you up. What were you thinking?"

Marina stood up, her arms wrapped around her naked body. Her teeth chattered and her body shook. She took the proffered hand, her icy fingertips curling around Clara's little finger. Clara wrapped an arm around her shoulders and guided Marina to the bathroom, chiding her as she wrapped a white terri-cotta dressing gown around her rubbing her arms vigorously. Then she turned to start filling the bathtub. Marina stood in the centre of the room, dripping water in a puddle.

"How did it go, Clara? With Ivan?"

Clara was silent, sitting down on the edge of the bathtub as she tested the water gushing out of the faucet. She turned to look at Marina.

"That bad, honey?"

Marina sat down next to her and placed her hand on Clara's.

"I'm sorry."

"All I wanted to do was come and find you but I couldn't." she said, "I had to stay for Ivan."

"You're here now."

"I tried calling you last night but you weren't picking up..." she said.

"I turned my phone off."

"Why, Marina? I so needed to hear your voice last night."

"I knew that if I called I knew I'd beg you to come to me and I know you needed to be with Ivan..."

Marina shivered, feeling suddenly very cold.

"What is it?"

Marina paused a moment, dipping her fingers tips into the rising water level, watching them turn pink in the hot water.

"Vanessa." she said "She's leaving me."

"What do you mean, she's leaving you?"

"As in she's going, quitting."

"She's quitting?"

"She wants nothing to do with me. She packed her things last night and went to stay with Flavinha."

Clara looked at her as if she couldn't quite believe it.

"Oh, my darling, I'm sorry!"

Clara placed her warm hands on either side of Marina's face and rested their foreheads together. Their breaths mingled, slowed and synchronised.

"It's because of me, isn't it?" Clara murmured.

"Don't, Clara. It's not your fault. It was her choice." Marina said and kissed her "I think we have enough guilt between the two of us already without you picking up the tab on that one, don't you think?"

"We're quite the pair, aren't we?" she said. She drew back and smiled sadly.

"What is it my love?"

"I'm so scared." Clara whispered after a pause, pushing her thumb into the palm of her hand rhythmically.

"Why?"

"I'm scared that Ivan will hate me."

"Why would he hate you? You're an amazing mother -"

"Because he knows it's because of me that our marriage ended."

"What do you mean?" Marina said.

"When we told him Cadu just sat there, the entire time, not saying anything. I had to do all the talking...I'm so mad at him, Marina! I needed him to be on-board with me! We talked about it when I saw him at the bistro earlier but when it came to it, he just sat there. He sat there and let it look like it was all me, the end of our marriage. And yes,I guess it was, but for Ivan's sake I needed him to make it look like it was mutual because what will it do to him to think that his mother is abandoning him?"

"He thinks you're abandoning him?"

"He thinks it's because I got a job that things changed. He thought I was going to run away to Paris. I'm the one moving out...Oh God, Marina, I don't know what he's thinking, he didn't want to talk with me last night, but my mind is just a jumble..."

"I'm so sorry." Marina said and moved in, her arm wrapping around her shoulder,"I'm here, I'm here."

She traced the tip of her nose along her cheek. With her free hand she interlaced their fingers. They looked at each other.

"I'm so glad you are, Marina. Please don't turn your phone off again, I need you so." Clara said and kissed her.

Marina responded, trying to pour all her love into the kiss. Her heart ached for her and for what she was going through, wished she could make it all better.

Clara turned the taps off. Marina discarded her robe and sucked her breath in as she stepped into the steaming bathtub. She took a lavender essential oil bottle and let a few drops fall into the water.

"You want some breakfast? I'll go make you something." Clara said.

Marina caught Clara's wrist before she could leave, drawing her close until her knees pressed against the bathtub. Her fingers moved to tug at the hem of her white top over her head. She dropped it to the floor and then her hands slid up her waist and around to the clasp of her bra. That too fell to the ground.

"What are you doing, my love?"

Marina unbuttoned her skinny blue jeans, pulling them down, her thumb hooking into her underwear as she went until they puddled at her ankle. Clara stepped out of her heels, taking Marina's outstretched hand that held her steady as she joined her in the bathtub. Marina moved in, pressing their naked bodies together.

"Don't go anywhere. I want you here with me."

"My little mermaid." Clara said.

Marina sat down, pulling Clara down to lie between her legs. She wrapped her arms around her, kissing her neck, squeezing her tight. She hummed and placed her hand over Clara's heart, its beat strong beneath the palm of her hand. If she didn't move, she could pretend for a little that her world hadn't crumbled and that Clara's hadn't either. She could pretend that this was still her bathroom, she could pretend that she was still rich, powerful, untouchable. They murmured quietly to each other, their half-voices echoing off the walls, indistinct, words spoken only for each other. They no longer spoke of their fears, now they spoke of their hopes, they spoke their love and their tenderness. With their words they felt a quiet fall on them and their troubles recede to somewhere out there. When the bath became tepid, they rose. They dried each other off, they smiled and laughed and teased each other. This was their oasis from the storm that raged around them. Together they could sit in the eye of their own storms. Bodies still damp, they drew each other to the bed, they made love, relishing each other, taking solace and strength in each others presence. In Clara's arms Marina felt like she could face anything, even loosing the house, her studio, Vanessa. She could face the idea of a father who had abandoned her. In Clara's arms, she felt safe because Clara's gaze spoke of a love so eternal that she felt that somehow it would be okay.


	18. Chapter 18

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

ONE MONTH LATER

Clara hurried into the hotel lobby in downtown Rio, her ankle length dress swishing around her feet, a night bag slung over a shoulder.

"Hi, I have a reservation" she said to the receptionist. He looked up from his computer.

"Name?"

"The reservation will be under Marina Mereille."

Tap, tap, tap, the young man typed a few words. He pushed back on his chair, reaching for a swipe card in a draw and slapped it on the wooden counter, sliding it towards her. He eyed her with curiosity. Perhaps he recognised her from last time.

"Room 206. Ms Mereille has already arrived." he supplied.

"Thank-you." she said. She felt his eyes as she walked towards the elevator and was glad when they closed behind her. He should mind his own business. She used the glossy reflection of the walls to adjust her hair and check her make-up for smudges under her eyes. She sighed and tapped the hotel access card. When the doors pinged open, she hurried down the corridor and swiped to enter room 206, a plain, unexceptional room, new enough to not yet look tired but cheaply fitted out. It was clean, that was the main thing. A queen bed took up most of the space with side tables and a tea and coffee station squeezed in between the door to the bathroom and a closet by the door. Seated with her back to the door, Marina looked around from her laptop, a smile spreading across her face.

"My darling!" she said as she put the computer on the nightstand and came to greet her. Without a word Clara dropped her bag, her eyes raking lasciviously over Marina's body before pulling her around, pressing her up against the glass closet door and kissing her. Marina responded eagerly, their lips parting, tongues colliding. Clara groaned into it, tugging impatiently at the lacy black top, pulling it up and over Marina's head and discarding it. She smoothed her hands over her flat stomach, digging her fingers into flesh above the hip before her hands fumbled at the button of her jeans, unzipping and tugging it down, taking the panties with it. She stepped back long enough to drop her own dress, the material pooling at her feet, leaving her naked. She registered Marina's lip bite.

"I didn't feel like wearing underwear today," she said stepping in. She trailed her lips up the soft skin of her neck and made quick work of Marina's bra. Finally, skin on skin. Marina arms wrapped around her, pulling her closer, breath shallow, hands threading into hair, their kisses bruising and electric. They tumbled onto the bed, a tangle of impatient limbs. It was not enough, not close enough, not fast enough. They moved in unison their bodies burning up, sweaty and hot, mouths on soft flesh, sucking, licking, biting. Clara traveled down Marina's body, her hand kneading the flesh of her thigh, pulling her legs open before lowering her head down, her tongue dipping between the folds to that slippery nub, setting a strong steady rhythm. She looked up the length of Marina's body those firm breasts quivering with each gasp, watching Marina's hand curl into the bed cover, an arm flung across her forehead. Eyes closed, lips parted, back arched.

"Oh God, Clarinha!" Marina cried out.

Clara lingered a moment, watching the tremors build and then she was inside her, working in tandem with her mouth, finding the angle she knew undid Marina, steady, steady. When a hand threaded into her hair she felt she was close, she increased the pace until Marina was scream out loud, her body pulsing, her thighs shaking. She fell limp on the bed. Clara pulled herself up to lie against her side, Marina peering at her through half closed eyes.

"Oh, Clarinha. I wasn't expecting that!" she said, catching her breath.

"You liked?"

"Mmmmm, I liked. A lot. You're getting bold, my love."

"I've been daydreaming about doing that to you for a while and then after last time..."

"What? Daydreaming about ravishing me without so much as a hello, or going down on me?"

Clara blushed.

"Both." she said.

Marina turned to face her.

"Did you like... going down on me?"

Clara's eyes drifting up as she thought about her answer.

"It was ... different, you know? I didn't know what I thought it would be like... I did, I liked it...there's something about having you like that - I felt powerful, you know? And, " she said smiling, "I rather liked the view."

Then Clara paused, biting her lip.

"Was it good for you? I mean, did I do it right...?" she asked.

"You were amazing. No, seriously, Clarinha, I can still feel that orgasm. Here." Marina took Clara's hand and held it to her heart. It beat fast. Clara smiled.

"Look at you, " Marina said rolling on top of Clara and pining her down, "My little thief, so pleased with herself, huh?"

"Well I have been paying attention, you know." Clara said wriggling until she managed to topple her. "It might take me time to get there, but when I do..."

She straddled Marina's hips and pulled her arms above her head, holding them as she playfully bit at her neck

"I see that!" Marina laughed, " I think I've created a monster!"

Marina raised her head to capture Clara's lips. It deepened and when Clara's hold loosen, she pulled her down with her arms, running her hands over the skin of her back. Clara sighed when her center came in contact with the leg Marina slipped between her thighs, hand moving to her hips, encouraging her to press down, her center slick. She felt Marina's mouth capture a hard nipples and she groaned, her head falling forward. She hesitated a moment before her hand clasped the fingers on her hips, pulled Marina's hand down, lifting her hips enough to press the fingers inside her, groaning as she pushed down on Marina's thigh again, rocking, moving faster as the heat began to spread throughout her body, until she came in an intense explosion of colour. She collapsed on top of Marina, breathing hard, feeling the waves recede gradually.

She heard Marina chuckle.

"You're full of suspires today, my love."

Clara laughed into Marina's neck, too shy to look up.

"There's no need to be embarrassed my love. I like it, a lot. There is nothing hotter than a woman who isn't afraid to show what she wants in bed."

"Shhhh, be quiet, Marina, you're going to make me die of embarrassment and then you'll have to deal with a dead body and I know you don't want that!"

"It's good my love. It's very sexy. I encourage it full heartedly."

"Aie, stop it! I'm blushing!"

"Well I encourage doing things that make each other blu-"

Her head still buried in Marina's neck, Clara's hand rose to mush against her lips.

"Stop it!" she said.

"Fine!" Marina sighed dramatically and they laughed.

xxx

"So tell me about your new job, Clara. How was your first week?"

"Well, it's not like working with you." Clara said with a slight grimace, "but it's perfect for now."

It was nine o'clock and they were in a Mexican restaurant not far from the hotel. It was an intimate setting with warm tones and mood lighting. Friday Kahlo stared down at them with her broken ribs and mono-brow and a little further down it was a bold floral skull. They were seated next to each other on a bench against the wall in the far corner.

"Well," Marina said flipping her hair, "I am an amazing boss."

She laughed.

"That you are, my love. I can't imagine Claudio letting me run off all the time to take care of Ivan. He likes his assistant to keep strict hours but it's a relief to have some money coming in. It means I don't have to rely on Cadu. And at least I'm still around art and I get to see all the exhibitions that pass through the gallery which is wonderful."

"I can't tell you how glad I am that you got that job, Clara."

"And I have you to thank for it, truly. Your letter of recommendation is what clinched the deal."

"You're welcome, my love!"

"So I've been thinking I need to start looking for a place close to Ivan. Bless Helena and it's been so convenient being in the same building but I can't keep living at my sister's."

"Really?"

"It feels like the logical next step, I guess."

"That sounds like a good idea..."

"That means that we won't have to meet in crappy hotels just to spend time together." Clara said and drew Marina's hand up to kiss it.

"That would be... amazing."

Marina paused wondering if Clara might say more, but then the waiter arrived with their food. The both attacked it with relish.

"So tell me, how was your meeting with the publishers today?" Clara asked and bit into a chicken quesadilla.

"It went well. They seem genuinely interested in publishing a book of my work which is wonderful. They like the general outline I gave them, asked me to gather together the photos I'd want to use. But I get the feeling it will be a lengthy process, so I'm glad for the classes at the Galpao in the meantime."

"Yes, tell me, how was class today?"

"Great. I really do love teaching, which is unexpected and wonderful. And I spoke with Veronica and she said that she would like to take me on for a couple more classes if I was willing, so that will help. Oh, Clara, how do you do it? How do you live off so little?"

"Years of practice, my love."

"I feel so miserish, so small. I have to count the dollars I spend, knowing that if I don't, I can't put petrol in the car to get to work... I hate the way not having money makes me feel."

"I guess it's hard when you've had it all your life and suddenly you don't."

"I should be taking you out to beautiful restaurants, whisking you away for romantic weekends!"

"Hey, none of this!" Clara said gently.

"Well, I'm trying to stick to the budget we worked out."

"Good, I'm glad."

"But, oh, let's not talk about money any more, it runs around my head all day and it makes me tired and uninspired." She flapped her hands around as if to dispel the conversation and took a sip of her spiced tomatoe juice.

Clara pushed Marina's hair back from her shoulder, her hand resting warmly there. "It'll get better, my love. You just need to book a exhibition again, sell some of your work and build your studio back up again."

"What studio? Vanessa was the studio, I don't know if I can do it without her."

"I believe in you, Marina. And I'm here. I will do whatever I can to help you."

"Thank-you, my love."

"Speaking of which, you'll see her tomorrow, right?"

"Yes, at the lawyer's meeting. I really hope they can give me good news about my investments. If I can just get my hands on some of it, not even all, then I could rent out a studio space, buy some new equipment and then I can start taking clients on again. That's where the money is for me. Then I could move out of Branca's place."

"How's that going?"

"Oh, Giselle is wonderful. And I am grateful, so grateful! But it's Branca's home...and it's the snide remarks, you know. Those little things she says. She seems to enjoy that I'm destitute. She also loves slipping in those little homophobic remarks and I swear, usually I'm fine, I can let it slide, but after a while...I just wish I could move out..."

She looked to Clara as she said it, hoping she might say something now but Clara was busy polishing off some refried beans and rice. She bit her lip and turned to her own half eaten food.

When they went to pay Clara was adamant about covering the bill. Marina stood back, wishing she could insist but all she had were a few of 20 real bills to last her until payday and the money she'd carefully tucked away for the hotel room. Knowing her wallet was full of frozen bank cards made her want to weep. As she looked at Clara's glossy hair falling down her back, handing over cash for their meal, she wondered how a creature so divine could possible want to be with her when she couldn't even offer her a meal in a cheap restaurant.

She inhaled sharply. That wasn't her! Those insecure thoughts were not hers! She was confident, self-assured. She shook her head to dispel the moment and when Clara turned around she held out her hand and smiled.

"Ready for your first lesbian clubbing experience?" she asked.


	19. Chapter 19

CHAPTER NINETEEN

La Girl was situated in Copacabana right next to Le Boy, and was one of the few women only bars in Rio. It was still quiet, the lines had not yet arrived although that would likely change in the next hour or so. An impressively solid woman with short spiky hair and a serious face stood at the entrance, her tattooed arms crossed across her chest. When she saw Marina, her face lit up.

"Nina! It's been too long!" she cried and swept Marina up into a bear hug. "Where have you disappeared, huh? Once upon a time you used to come at least once a week!"

"Carmo!" Marina replied squeezing the woman tight. She was dwarfed by the bouncer's considerable height "Let me introduce my girlfriend to you, this is Clara, Clara, this is Carmo. She's saved me from more than one embarrassing situation over the years."

"A pleasure, Clara." she said, "and I can tell you, this woman... she's a wild one! And the girls would fall over themselves, didn't they? Heartbreaker!"

"Ai, Carmo, don't you go scaring Clara with stories!"

"My mouth is shut." she said pretending to zip it up and throw away the key and then winked at Clara, "but if you want to know, you just come and find me."

Clara laughed.

"I can't decide if I'm curious or not!"

"Some things are best forgotten, don't you think?" Marina said pulling Clara towards the entrance by the hand.

Inside the music pumped and the lights flashed but the dance floor was largely empty. The space was intimate. Some of the seating around the edge of the room was occupied by patrons. In a corner a group of young woman sat with their drinks. One of them - dressed in a button up shirt, slacks and short bubblegum blue hair spiked up into a peak - gestured animatedly as she told a story and the group erupted into laughter that just carried over the sound of the bass. Clara watched them curiously. She'd never seen so many lesbians in one place at the same time. She noted how one of the girls had her arm slung casually across the shoulders of another, how they looked at each other and kissed, a proper kiss, before turning back to the story. She became aware that she'd tensed involuntarily at the display of affection and realised that she'd never seen two women kiss before because two women, or two men for that matter, never kissed in public, it just wasn't done. It invited too many problems, exposed to much prejudice that simmered just below the surface of society. Just last week Clara had held Marina's hand as they walked down the street after a movie and there must have been something about their body language that gave them away because a group of young men had hung out the window cat-calling, whistling and making lewd homophobic remarks. Clara had turned to them and asked them what the fuck they thought they were doing, shaming themselves like that, what cowards, feeling a deep anger shooting up and out of her. One of the men's faces had turned thunderous, his hand moving to the door handle - dyke sluts, he'd show them a thing or two, just needed a good man to fuck them - and the others in the back had howled their encouragement. Clara had paused then, grasping for Marina's hand and pulled her around the corner onto a busy street. She'd looked back furtively, relieved to see the lights change and the car disappear amongst traffic. Marina had remained quiet except for a few measured words of caution, she couldn't react like that if she wanted to stay safe. This was her reality now, Clara had realised, being with a woman could never be as simple as just that, it came with all the injustices of an oppressed, maligned minority. With incidents like that, she would have to learn to swallow her sense of justice and bear it. She'd been aware of it, of course, in an abstract sense and she'd been aware enough not to touch or hold or kiss Marina the way her wanted to when they were in public but it wasn't until that moment she'd realised why she couldn't. It wasn't to avoid the frowns of disapproval, it was to avoid being attacked.

Her quiet act of defiance in the face of that realisation was to proudly hold Marina's hand in public just the same.

They ordered a drink at the bar, a beautiful woman with short shorts and a top that revealed ample cleavage served them and they settled down on a comfortable corner seat where they could observe the room at their leisure. Clara was surprised to find she was nervous being here. All the time she'd been dealing with her feelings about Marina, she'd been dealing with a woman, in the singular. She'd thought about society's reaction – namely her family's reaction - but it hadn't extended to include the concept of the lesbian community in any shape or form. She'd not wondered about other lesbians other than to wonder how many people had found themselves in her situation and what they'd done. And these people were far far away, a mere though to her. The concept of seeking them out, of having anything to do with them was foreign but now that she was in a relationship with Marina she wanted to go somewhere where she didn't need to censor herself so she'd asked Marina to take her out to the places lesbians went. There weren't many.

They sipped on their cocktails and Marina moved in close and nuzzled her neck. It sent a shiver down Clara's spine. She drew Marina in for a kiss, letting the low lighting and the music wash over them, letting herself revel in the freedom of being able to kiss her girlfriend in a public space and not have to worry about who was watching. She tasted of her red sky martini, of strawberries, cranberries and amaretto liqueur. She drank her in eagerly. They barely noticed the room filing up until they parted, somewhat disheveled, their eyes dilated.

"I'll get us some more drinks." Clara said and she slipped out of the booth, making her way between the growing crowd. As her drinks order was being prepared she turned to survey the room, looking at the diverse women gathered. What a different world from her life with Ivan and Cadu! Her eyes drifted back to Marina's corner and she frowned. Someone had joined Marina at her table. She couldn't see anything except long flowing brown hair and a pretty dress. She probably wasn't older than twenty-two. What's more she was leaning in, her lips close to Marina's ear, a hand on her shoulder, telling her something over the loud music. Marina laughed, her hand moving to hold the woman's forearm. Clara pursed her lips. Perhaps this one of those girls Carmo had mentioned before. Well. She quickly gathered their drinks, weaving through the bodies that were starting to press in on each other, her eyes trained on Marina's figure. She slid into the seat and Marina turned to her, her lips parting to say something but Clara didn't give her the chance, she kissed her soundly, feeling triumphant when Marina seemed to melt beneath her lips. She pulled back and turned to the woman – girl rather – seated next to Marina... and gasped, her hand flying to her mouth and her cheeks flushing a deep red.

"Luiza?"

Luiza was sitting there, her wide eyes morphine from shock to merriment. She laughed.

"I wasn't expecting that..."

"What...I mean, you're not gay are you? Didn't we discuss this not so long ago?"

"No! I'm straight."

"Then what on earth..."

"My girlfriends and I like to come here every now and then when we're sick of men groping at us in the straight clubs."

"Oh." Clara said and then frowned. "But wouldn't you just get hit on here by women?"

"They're much more respectful, believe me. I'll take unwanted lesbian attention over unwanted male attention any day."

"Oh."

Clara took a sip of her drink and she could feel Luiza's eyes burning into her.

"So... you and Marina, huh?"

Clara's eyes drifted to Marina who had sat back and was watching the interaction with amusement.

"Oh God, Luiza, no one knows, only your mother, please, don't tell anyone."

"I won't say anything." she said and looked between them, her expression showing how much she was dying to ask questions but didn't know how to start. She waited a moment longer but Clara was deep in her drink.

"Well, I'm happy for you, aunt." She said leaning over and clasping her hand. "I'm going to go join my friends, I'll see you later."

She disappeared into the crowd. Clara turned and buried her head in Marina's shoulder.

"Oh God." she said

"It's okay, Clarinda. She took it really well!"

"She's my niece! What if she accidentally lets slip to my mother or to Ivan or god knows who else?"

"I doubt she will, but if she does, you deal with it. Besides, you will have to come out to them eventually..."

Clara was well aware of this. In fact she'd had a few sleepless nights wondering how she could break it to Chica, Filipe – and mostly Ivan. The thought terrified her. She'd barely said anything to Cadu about their relationship either although she knew he knew, obviously.

"I'm not ready yet, Marina."

"I know, my love. But you know it's just putting off the inevitable. Sometimes sooner is better than later."

"Yes, I know. I know! I'll do it, soon, I promise. I know it's hard on you, having to sneak around like this. Not being able to come to family gatherings with me... but I've barely separated from Cadu, they need time to get their head around that before I drop this bombshell."

Clara sat up and took a great big gulp of her Caipicopa cocktail and then another, finishing it off.

"Want another drink?"

Marina looked at her nearly full glass.

"Right. I should stop. 'Cause we both remember what happened last time." she said as a happy buzz started to envelop her.

"I have very fond memories of that last time."

Clara laughed and tapped her upper arm playfully. She settled back against Marina who draped her arm over her shoulder. They watched the crowd as the night deepened and the music beckoned.

"Would you care to dance with me?" Marina asked when she'd finished her drink.

The DJ was just sliding into a new song.

"My face above the water  
my feet can't touch the ground, touch the ground  
and if feels like I can see the sands on the horizon  
every time you are not around..."

As they reach the dance floor the music was starting to build. To one side she could see Luiza and her friends dancing, bodies committed to the beat of the music. Clara caught her eye and Luiza grinned and jumped up and down enthusiastically, blowing a kiss.

"I'm drifting away,  
wave after wave..."

Marina pulled her close, her leg between her thighs, their hips swaying in time to the music, her arms sliding up her back, rocking them in a sensuous dance that made Clara's head spin, the beat reverberating in her chest, the guitar riff burrowing into her body, making her think of remote beaches and road trips, of endless summer days tinged with that sense of nostalgia.

"Wave after wave  
slowly drifting..."

Their eyes locked and they moved in unison. It was entirely different to the first time they'd danced to the crooning sounds of Dan Torres, this was sweaty, hot, pulsing with all the bodies moving to the rhythm, it was sex barely disguised. Grinding, arching, their bodies sliding together. Hooded eyes and parted lips the music spun around them like tendrils, transporting them. They kissed, lost amongst the sea of women and Clara felt a sort of euphoric joy move through her. She hugged Marina's small frame to her. They danced until their feet hurt and Clara was convinced that she could tell Chica that she was dating a woman and loving it, no big deal.


	20. Chapter 20

I won't be able to post the next chapter for a week and a half and I apologise - I'm away for about a week and won't have access to the internet. I also won't have time to write during that time so will do my best to have the next chapter up for Wed week.

CHAPTER TWENTY

Marina arrived early, sunglasses on, a mocha latte in each hand and a brown paper bag pinched between her fingers. The receptionist greeted her warmly and asked her to take a seat. She lowered herself gracefully into the soft leather chair and sighed. She'd walked from the hotel and she felt a little out of breath and her shoes hurt her feet. Stupid, uncomfortable heels. She took a moment to arrange her hair, refresh her lips with her Yves St Laurent lipstick, noting that it was almost finished and wondering how she could possibly afford to replace it. As she finished the elevator doors pinged open and she saw Vanessa emerge. She stood up, smoothed her hands down her dress and held her breath. Vanessa, with her wild carrot red hair and pale skin. She hadn't seen her since the day she left. She'd been true to her word, she sorted everything out to do with the business but she'd done it all without having to see her. They'd spoken a few times on the phone, strictly business, but she'd effectively dropped out of Marina's life, just like that. And now here she was, her beloved Vanessa, her dearest friend, her family. Marina wasn't prepared how much she'd missed seeing that face.

Vanessa saw Marina almost immediately. She paused a moment and a ripple passed over her features before it settled into neutral. She moved to the reception counter, signed in and then walked slowly over to her.

"Hello, Vanessa." Marina said.

"Hello, Marina."

They sat down stiffly. Marina handed her a mocha latte and the brown paper bag.

"For you. It's our favorite. And a Danish."

Vanessa took them slowly.

"Thank-you."

She held both it in her lap.

"How are you, Van?"

"I'm good."

"How is it going at Flavinha's?"

"It's going well."

Strained silence.

"Aren't you going to ask me how I'm doing?" Marina asked.

Vanessa looked up with her clear blue eyes, searching her face and whatever she saw made her look away.

"No. I... I don't want to know. I'm sorry."

Marina sunk into her seat. She looked at her hands, her chest feeling heavy.

"I miss you, Van..." she whispered.

"Please, Marina. Don't."

"Why not? Don't you miss me too?"

"I can't, Marina..."

They were interrupted by a paralegal who showed them into the boardroom. The lawyer and accountant were already there and they wasted not time.

"They've unfrozen both your personal and business accounts. They've deducted your father's allowance but the rest, everything that came from money you directly earned is yours."

Marina felt a wave of relief flow through her. She grinned, she clapped her hands and smiled. She had access to money again! She wouldn't have to scrimp and save, she could take Clara somewhere nice, she actually fill up her tank and replace her lipstick!

"How much money does that make it, for the business accounts, that is?" Vanessa asked turning to the accountant.

"Just shy of R$570,000 ."

Oh, R$570,000! How much that sounded after living on so little. R$570,000! Even with half of that she could buy that equipment, she could rent a space. Somehow she'd get Vanessa to come and she could start earning real money again!

"And how much do we owe?" Vanessa was asking.

"All of it."

It took a moment for the words to register.

"All of it?" she said

"Well, you actually owe another R$3,822.35."

"But how? I don't understand."

Vanessa turned to her. "I told you we weren't managing for a long time. Some of these people have been waiting for months to get paid."

The elation of a moment before came crashing down. Marina wanted the chair to swallow her up. She wanted to be anywhere but here. Marina Mereille, internationally recognised photographer reduced to such a pitiful state that she couldn't afford to pay R$3,822.35. Where was her father? Why wasn't he here sorting things out?

"What about Marina's personal accounts?"

"That's in slightly better shape. Across all the accounts there is about 1R$6,892 and in a few months some of the investments will mature, giving you access to more."

R$16, 892 . More to come. Okay. She could work with that. She thought. How much was rent for a studio?

The lawyer and accountant continued to talk for a bit, explaining the intricacies. Marina didn't pay much attention except for when they asked if they wanted to file for bankruptcy. She'd looked up sharply and said no.

Vanessa rose to go, Marina placed a hand on her wrist.

"Van, wait."

Vanessa stopped and sighed.

"What."

"Are you just going to leave again, just like that?"

"Marina... I told you, I can't do this - "

"I need you, Van. The business needs you. I don't know what to do, I can't do your job! I take photos, that's what I do and you, excel at the business side of it."

"I can't come back, Marina."

"Why not?"

"You know why!"

"But what are you going to do, Van, how are you going to survive?"

"I have savings, Marina...""...and?"

"I'm helping Flavinha set up as a photographer."

"What?"

"I'm helping Flavinha start her own studio."

"Oh."

The sound escaped Marina as if she'd been punched in the stomach. That felt like betrayal.

Vanessa lingered a few more seconds and then said quietly. "I'm going now."

Marina didn't respond. She felt so terribly alone right then.

Xxx

At the same time, a few kilometers away, Clara was also sitting in a lawyers office across the table from Cadu. Nando was there but it was one of his colleague sat at the end of the table. He pushed a photocopy towards each of them.

"This is the split of assets as drawn up between the two of you, if you could please take a look and then date and sign at the bottom."

Clara looked down. The division was simple, they didn't have much to split. Her personal effects were hers, his his. The money, meager as it was, split in two. Their shared assets, their furniture, the pots and pans and books, the paintings... those sorts of things Cadu had thrown up his hands and said she could have what she wanted, he didn't care. The apartment was rented, Cadu would stay there with Ivan and that's where they'd fought. For the time being she'd said, once she had a place she wanted to re-address their arrangement. She couldn't bear the thought of Ivan not living with her for any length of time. Cadu had tensed his jaw and said he was adamant that Ivan would be with him. She'd wanted to throw things at him but instead she'd shouted at him until he'd walked out of the apartment and she'd been left alone in a home that was no longer hers.

They'd expedited their divorce to the dismay of her family. Chica, even as she'd dropped Ivan off for the morning had eyed her and said she didn't need to do this.

They signed and dated the necessary papers. As her pen scrawled her signature across the dotted line, she felt a small measure of relief. Mostly she felt strange though. She put the pen down and looked at her hand. Then she pulled at her wedding band and she laid it down beside the divorce papers. There. Done. She was officially a free woman.

"Cadu," she called out as he rose to leave, "I'll pick Ivan up. I want to take him for an ice cream."

Cadu looked at her. She wasn't asking if she could, but it almost felt like she was and she hated that. This was her son, she could damned well take him out to the beach for an ice-cream whenever she wanted. She turned and walked away before he could say anything.

Ivan was hanging out with Virgilo in his art studio when she arrived. He was absorbed in creating a series of animal clay sculptures, his head bent, his fingers a muddy brown. Clara kissed his sandy hair as he smoothed the ear of his elephant. At the mention of ice-cream he perked up and went to wash his hands. The past month had been difficult. She'd done her best to keep things as smooth for him as possible – she came every morning to prepare him for school and drop him off. Cadu picked him up. On nights when Cadu was busy, she would stay and cook him dinner. She often cleaned, tidied and did laundry. Every night she came and put him bed. It was like she was still living there but not, an uncomfortable middle ground that she bore because this wasn't about her convenience, it was about making the transition for Ivan as smooth as possible. And she felt like Ivan was settling, his naturally sunny disposition reasserted itself, she was hopeful that he would fully adjust with time. He hadn't come to sleep with her at Helena's yet though and that pained her. He knew he was welcome anytime and she longed to hold his sleepy body as she had done so many times, she missed it so much. It felt a like a distance between them, as though with this one act he was telling her that he was still angry with her.

At the beach they sat their feet buried in the sand with large waffle cones clasped in their hands. The sun moved in between fluffy white clouds casting shadows on the ocean.

"Mum?"

"Yes, my love?"

"Why do things have to change?"

Clara looked to Ivan, he was looking pensively at the horizon.

"That's a really good question. Maybe because everything changes. All the time. Like the tide coming in and going out, like the moon that waxes and wanes, like the seasons – things are changing all the time."

"Yeah, mum, but why?"

"Because, for reasons I don't really know, that is how the world works. In order for the world to continue, it needs to evolve and change. If it didn't it would be like a stagnant pond – it would start to smell and rot. For things to stay fresh and alive, we need change. "

"What if those changes aren't good changes?"

"Sometimes things change and you don't like them, but it doesn't always mean they're bad."

"So... you and dad splitting up, that's not bad?"

"In some ways yes. In other ways no. It makes me sad that you've been sad. It makes me sad that your dad has been sad too. I wish I could take that away and make it all better. But it's also good because we get to try new things and decide who we are as people.

"What do you mean, decide who we are as people?" he asked, his brow furrowed.

"Well I believe that every time we make a choice, we are choosing what sort of person we want to be. Often things happen and we don't have a choice about what happens but we do get to choose how we react to things. And that can be the difference between feeling okay and not feeling okay."

Clara watched Ivan as he seemed to take that in. He took a bite of his ice-cream cone and chewed.

"If you wanted to make me and dad feel better, why don't you come back home? Be a family again?"

Clara felt her heart sink a little.

"Your dad and I had a very happy marriage, Ivan. We loved each other very much and we still do. And most importantly we love you very very very much. But our love changed and sometimes you have to move on."

"Does love always change?" Ivan's voice sounded small and insecure.

"Oh, my darling," Clara said, putting an arm around his shoulders "many things change in life, but there are a few things that stay the same and one of them is how much I love you. That will never change, ever, ever, ever. You hear me?"

He nodded and she kissed his head fiercely . They sat a moment eating their ice-creams.

"May I join?" came the sound of a familiar voice. Clara smiled and turned.

"Of course" she said warmly.

Marina settled next to Clara so that their shoulders touched and kissed her cheek.

"Hello, love. Hi, Ivan."

Ivan peeked around the side of his mother.

"You remember Marina, don't you?"

"Of course, mum, I've met her heaps of times!"

"It's just been a long while is all. Aren't you going to say hello?"

"Hi, Marina."

"What sort of ice-cream did you get? Looks amazing!"

"I've got chocolate." Ivan said.

"Me too." Clara said.

"Well I think lemon flavour is best, but I guess chocolate is pretty good too."

"It's my favorite!" Ivan said.

"Do you want some of mine?" Clara asked, offering her half eaten ice-cream up. Marina held her hands and lowered her head to take a bite.

"Mmmm. It's good!"

Clara and Ivan looked at her and started to laugh.

"What?" she asked narrowing her eyes.

"Honey, you got some on your nose, here, let me..."

Marina leaned forward and Clara used her fingers to wipe away the offending smudge.

"All gone?" she asked softly.

Clara nodded her head and licked her finger clean. Ivan, who had been watching the interaction, stood.

"I'm going to go look for shells, okay mum?"

"Don't go above your knees in the water, deal?"

"Okay."

He ran off with his ice-cream in hand.

"So how did the divorce signing go?"

"As well as can be expected, I guess. It's done though. It's done. How about you?" she said brightly

Marina looked at Clara.

"It's okay to be sad."

Clara's face dropped a little. She looked around to see who might be looking and then entwined their hands. "I'm glad you're here, Marina."

"I'm glad to be here." Marina said. "I wish I could kiss you, right now."

"I do too!" Clara said , "But now tell me, my love. How did your meeting go?"

Marina told her.

"I believe in you, you know." Clara said when she'd finished, "I don't doubt for a minute that if you wanted to, you could learn the business side."

"That's just it, though, I don't want to!"

"But you don't really have a lot of options, do you?"

"No." Marina sighed. "I guess I don't. But it's not even that. Maybe I was stupid, but I honestly thought Van would come back to me and when she told me she's working with Flavinha..."

"I understand, my love."

Marina squeezed Clara's hand. They sat, the two of them on the sand, while they share the rest of Clara's ice-cream, their watchful eyes on Ivan crouched down by the sea's edge.


	21. Chapter 21

Hey lovely folk here it is, a bit rushed and riddled with mistakes as per usual! Lol. It seems that I'm off again on Sunday for another week so I'm aiming to post a chapter on Sunday but I'm not sure how much writing I'll get done while away, so I imagine I won't post again until the following Sunday, I apologise in advance for the inconsistency of my updates for this period but it will get back to normal! Meanwhile, I hope you enjoy!

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

They hadn't meant to but somehow they found themselves naked on Helena's couch on a Friday night. With the apartment to herself for the first time since she'd come to live with Helena, Clara had taken the opportunity to invite Marina for a movie night and it had quickly evolved into a make-out session reminiscent of her teenage years. She had ended up wedged under an instant Marina. When a hand had pushed up her top to expose her breasts, her hungry mouth claiming a nipple, Clara had stopped protesting at this inappropriate and frankly riské development. Forty-five searing minutes later, the residue of orgasm was still flush on their skin, they lay with a throw draped over their bodies and the murmurer of the movie "The Way He Looks" in the background. Marina had scored a copy from the producer whom she knew. She now lay on top of Clara her chin propped up on her hands.

"I can feel you watching me." Clara said smiling, her eyes closed. "What?"

"Do you ever... I don't know... miss being with a man?" Marina asked after a beat.

"Why do you ask that?" Clara frowned and cracked an eyelid.

"Well, I don't know... you were with them exclusively up until now."

"And now I get to be exclusively with a woman and let me tell you, it's somewhat of a revelation."

"You know, if you do miss it," she said putting the emphasis on 'it', "we could always try some toys..."

Apart for that one drunken reference by Clara in Paris, this wasn't a topic they'd directly addressed again in spite of having spoken quite openly about sex and what turned them on. Clara had seemed uncomfortable, possibly even surprised at how frankly Marina spoke of these things at first, Marina guessed it wasn't something she'd discussed during her marriage to Cadu much, if at all.

"Do you want to use toys?" Clara asked

"If you wanted to, then sure."

"Have you used toys before, with other partners?"

"Well sure. But not everyone. It's not a necessity for me."

"What type of toys?"

"Um... mostly dildos of various types. I've tried other things too."

"And although you are a lesbian, you ...enjoy being penetrated by a … well, penis?"

Marina chuckled.

"I tend to prefer the more colourful, not so penis looking dildos, but yeah, it feels good."

"Huh." Clarina seemed to contemplate that a moment, the edge of her mouth quirking up.

"I can see what you're thinking, you little thief, you like the idea!" Marina said.

"You know, you never cease to amaze me, my love. You keep opening up all these new worlds for me."

"You've never used toys before?"

"Well... no. I mean why would I? I had a real one."

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean anything. Lots of hetero couples use toys. A lot of guys like to be penetrated by a dildo too, you know. There are also butt plugs and anal beads, nipple clamps - "

"Aaaah, Marina!" Clara cried, screwing her face up, " I appreciate, honestly I do, the fact that we talk about these sorts of things but I don't need that visual, thank you!"

"You know it's at times like these that I remember you are a sheltered housewife, oh believe me there are so many things far more out there than that."

"Maybe so, but this sheltered housewife finds what we get up to plenty adventurous. Although, if we were to try... you know, a toy... that could be nice."

"Oh, nice, huh?" Marina asked arching an eyebrow.

"Yes, nice!"

Clara laughed and tickled Marina, making her squirm until she fell between the back seat of the sofa and Clara's body, begging for the torture to stop. When Clara relented she rested her head in her hand, looking down at her girlfriend, her fingers combing through Clara's hair.

"You're nice." Marina said and snuggled in.

"Have you ever been with a man, Marina?"

"Me? How do you mean? Sex?"

"Yeah."

"No. I've kissed men, but never slept with one."

"You've never been attracted to them?"

"Not really. It's always been girls for me. Even before puberty- I used to have the biggest crush on my female teachers..."

"How old were you when you had your first girlfriend?"

"Oh. Maybe eleven? Or was it ten? I think it was ten. She had the prettiest blond hair and such a smile! I would bring her flowers and sweets just to see that smile."

"I bet you were quite the charmer with the ladies even back then."

Marina laughed.

"I guess."

"You've had a lot of girlfriends, haven't you.?"

Marina propped herself back up.

"Do you really want to know?"

Clara fingered the edging of the throw that lay across her chest.

"I guess not. I don't like the thougtht of you with anyone else."

"I've noticed." Marina said.

"You have?"

"Well when Luiza was at the club the other week, before you knew it was her. You were jealous, weren't you?"

"Well I thought it was one of those girls Carmo had mentioned..."

"You don't have to worry about them. You know I'm entirely loyal to you, right? I've had no eyes for anyone else from the moment I saw you."

"But don't you miss that? Being free to go after all those girls like you used to, to go out partying?"

"Honey, I am free and I choose to be with you because like I've said... in all those girls I was searching for you."

Marina watched Clara closely and hoped she believed her. She did have a colourful past, one filled with a string of conquests, to put it bluntly, that she had drawn into bed and then discarded when she grew tired of them. They had all come willingly, enticed by her charm, her wealth and that look in her eye that promised a wild adventure. How easily they had succumbed. How easily she had grown bored of them. That was why she had never brought them home, that way she could leave their bed whenever she wanted and never call. Then she would go home to Vanessa, dear, familiar Vanessa who was always waiting for her, although she'd long ago realised they were better friends than lovers. Every time Vanessa welcomed her with open arms and loved her like no one else knew how to even as the voice in the back of her head told her this wasn't quite it. It was just more it than anything else. Then sometimes the girls would find her at the club, see her leaning seductively in, whispering something to another girl, dancing with another girl, kissing another girl. She'd been slapped a few times. She'd been saved by Carmo more than a few times. That was part of why she'd left for London. But even there she'd fallen into those predictable patterns and so she'd come home, determined to start afresh. Then she'd seen Clara and everything changed.

"You couldn't get rid of me, even if you tried." Marina said and kissed her softly.

"Good." Clara said, her arm pulling Marina in for a kiss.

As she finished speaking they heard the sound of voices at the front door and the jangle of keys as they slid into the lock.

"Crap!" Clara said leaping off the sofa and starting to gather their scattered clothes, "quick! Quick the bedroom!"

Two naked bodies scurried into Luiza's old bedroom just as Helena and Virgiolo entered the front door and they fell on bed laughing into the duvet cover, their hearts racing.

"Where's my bra?" Clara asked as she rooted through their pile of clothing.

"Ummmm maybe it fell under the coffee table?"

Clara groaned into her hands and laughed.

Marina was dressed, combing her hair with her fingers and checking her make-up in the mirror, when the knock at the door came.

"Ladies?"

Helena's voice drifted through.

"Ummm, come in!" Clara called out buttoning her jeans and then wrapping her blouse around her upper half.

An amused faced poked through and then a bra, dangled between her fingers.

"Forget something?"

"I'm so sorry, Helena..."

She grabbed it and dropped the blouse to put it on. Helena stepped through.

"Virgiolo found it, just so you know. So he's figured it out."

Clara's hand's rose to her burning cheeks.

"Please ask him not to say anything." she said

"He won't. But honey, you gotta let the cat out of the bag at some point. It's not fun having to keep this from mum and Filipe. Or anyone else for that matter. I'm glad I can talk to him about it now, it's been on the tip of my tongue so many times."

"Thank you." Clara said.

"So," Helena said, turning to Marina, "you coming to the family dinner tomorrow night?"

"I, uh..."

Marina turned to look at Clara whose head was bent down, staring at her toes, silent.

"No." she said, after a beat, "no, I have a few things that need doing, so maybe another time."

"Ah." Helena said and let herself out.

Marina waited for Clara to say something but she didn't.

"I should get going too, I guess, my love," Marina said

"I wish you could stay." Clara said without looking up.

"Me too."

Clara accompanied her to the front door and kissed her goodbye. Marina put a finger under Clara's chin to raise her eyes.

"I'll see you soon." she said.

xxxx

As ever, family dinner at the Fernandes' was a rowdy affair. Ivan was tearing around with the dog and Clara was having to remind him no balls inside every few minutes. In one corner Ju and Jairo were arguing but trying to keep it down. Nando was sulking on the sofa, watching them while Cadu was trying to discuss something to do with the cafe with him until Filipe slapped a beer in his hand and told him to cheer up. He did it with the gusto of a man already well on his way to inebriation. Virgilo was fussing as he arranged his father comfortably on the couch while Helena and Chica were flying around putting the final touches on the table lay out, making sure everyone had a drink and access to snacks. Clara stood to the side her red lipped cellphone in her hand texting.

"Let me guess who that is for." Luiza said slyly as she drew near.

Clara laughed.

"Guilty."

"I think it's awesome, you know, aunt. I never would have guessed, you always seemed so happy and... well straight..."

"Yeah, it kinda hit me like a bulldozer."

"I did wonder, you know. I figured it had to be something pretty big to make you divorce Cadu."

"I think Cadu and I would eventually parted ways even if she hadn't come along."

"Really?"

"Really what?"" Helena asked as she approached, handing a drink to both women.

"Oh, aunt says she would have left Cadu regardless of, well, you-know-who." she said conspiratorially leaning in and dropping her voice to a whisper.

"Oh... yes, you-know-who, huh?" Helena smiled wide as she seemed want to do whenever Marina's name came up in regards to Clara.

"Who's this?"

Filipe had sidled up on them unawares and was now standing there, his beer at his chest and swaying just a touch.

"Oh nothing." Clara said hastily and slid her cellphone into a hidden pocket in her dress.

"Hmmm, Clarinha, nothing? Who's this you-know-who?"

He was looking at each of them in turn and narrowing his eyes as if he might be able to read their minds. He pinned his gaze on Luiza.

"Go on, spill! Has my sister found herself a new man? Is that it?"

"I..." Luiza was looking furtively to Clara but Clara didn't know how to stop the train wreck she saw coming.

"No, there's no man, Filipe." Helena said smoothly, "and I think it's time for dinner, right?"

She gestured for Filipe to come but he ignored that, instead he was looking at Clara. Damn it, he wasn't going to let this go.

"No, no, I want to know, why does Helena and Luiza get to know and not your own brother. What were you texting? Let me see, was it this you-know-who?"

"I think dinner sounds like a great idea, Helena, let's go sit down for dinner." Clara said and began to move towards the table. For a second she though she'd escape but as she did she felt Filips arm slip around her waist pulling her unsteadily back. She yelped and hit his arm with her fists.

"Filipe, stop it, let me go!"

He didn't though and then his other hand slipped into her dress pocket and he fished out her celllphone. He danced back laughing, switching the screen on an looking at who she'd been texting.

"Filipe Fernandes , you give me my cellphone back right this minute." Clara said in her best authoritarian voice.

"Not a chance!" he said moving just out of reach of her grasping hand.

Clara became aware of the silence in the room. She looked around. Everyone was looking at them and she felt a cold sweat break out. Shit, shit, shit.

"Get Ivan out of here!" she hissed to Cadu and when he didn't seemed to move, she said, "he can't find out like this, okay!?"

That seemed to rouse him. Cadu called out to Ivan and asked him get some drinks from the kitchen.

Out of the corner of her eyes, Clara saw Chica's face narrowing into a frown and moving towards them. Shit, shit, shit.

"Filipe, come, I'll tell you in the bedroom..."

But Filipe wasn't listening.

"Holly..." he was laughing, "Oh my god, are you serious?! Clara, you dirty dog! You and Marina!?"

Clara felt the air escape out of her as though she'd just been punched in the gut.

"Filipe, give it back, let me talk to you in the bedroom..."

"Can I see you later tonight? I miss you, my love, I need to feel you in my arms if only for a moment..."

"Filipe! Stop it!" Clara cried, tearing the cellphone out of his hand, "you're drunk and you're making a scene."

Her cheeks were aflame and she wished that she was anywhere but standing right here. A black hole in the floor would be very welcome right now.

"I'm making a scene? You're the one..." Filipe was saying.

"What on earth is going on?" Chica whispered stepping in, "Filipe. Go sit down."

Mutely Clara let Chica drag her into the bedroom, eyes following them. She sat down at the edge of the bedroom and she knew that her mother was waiting for her to say something. She felt small and naughtly, like she had as a child when she'd been bad.

"So. What's this about you and Marina?" Chica finally said when Clara remained silent. "Speak to me, Clara. What is this about you and Marina?"

"I... I'm sorry." she whispered.

"Why are you sorry, what is this? Speak to me! Did I understand correctly that you and Marina are...are..."

"Yes."

Chica was silent. Clara drew her eyes up tentatively, she was standing there, her hands on her hips, staring at her with a look on her face she couldn't decipher. Disappointment maybe? Anger? Disgust?

"We're lovers." she said.

Chica inhaled.

"You mean you've... slept with her?"

Clara nodded. "I'm in love with her."

Chica paced across the room and lent on the dresser.

"Is this why you left Cadu and divorced him so swiftly?"

"Partly."

"Oh dear God..."

"I wanted to tell you, mum, I just, I didn't know how to... I'm sorry..."

"I think I need a moment, Clara. Would you mind getting me a glass of water?"

"Uh... okay."

Clara rose and moved to the bath room, filling up a glass from the tap. When she returned Chica was gone. She moved to the door and she could hear her mother brightly telling everyone to sit down at the table and to pay no heed to Filipe's little outburst just before. Clara slipped into the kitchen where Cadu had Ivan sat at the bench mixing up some lemon water.

"You okay?" Cadu asked.

Clara shook her head.

"Are you okay with Ivan tonight. I just... I have to go..."

"I'm fine."

"Thank-you." she said. She wished she could hug him right now, she knew it would make her feel better but instead she squeezed Ivan close to her and kissed the top of his head.

"My darling, I'll come and say goodnight to you when I get back, okay?"

"But what about dinner?"

"Sorry, my love, I promise I'll be back soon, okay?"

She grabbed her purse from the couch and slid out the door, paying no heed to the cries from the table to come back and sit down. She dialed Marina's number.


	22. Chapter 22

Thank you all for your patience while I gallivanted off all over the place - it's been a disrupted month with regards to me writing but I should be consistent once again (posting Wednesdays and Sundays Pacific time). To those who posted reviews asking if I had stopped writing - I promise you that I will finish this fic and I shouldn't be this absent again before that happens! And to all those who reviewed in general, thank you so much!

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

It was a suitably bohemian building with large windows and tired pink walls now turning grey with dirt. At the entrance were double doors peeling white paint which lead to a somber landing of brown octagonal tiles laid out like flowers that had no doubt been part of the original build. Some had cracked, others mysteriously disappeared. A creaking wooden staircase wound up through the centre of the seven story building, illuminated by a dirty skylight during the day. On the fifth floor, through the door to the right of the landing, Marina was kneeling amongst a pile of boxes that held her personal effects. she was in a studio that she was sharing with a photographer who, due to a travel schedule that saw her frequently absent, had decided to split the costs of rent and utilities. Marina had been introduced to her through an acquaintance of Giselle's and the situation seemed ideal because without someone to guarantee her rent, she'd she'd been at a loss on how to find a space, especially as landlords were asking for up to 6 months as a deposit. That was more than what she had in the bank. Giselle had suggested asking Branca but Marina had recoiled at the thought of owing anything to the woman who still took pleasure in making under handed jibes at her homelessness or her sexuality, dependent on her mood. No, she would stand on her own two feet, she would make this work. If Clara believed in her, she believed she could do it.

It was a large space and daylight poured in through three windows that overlooked the steep street below. It was a busy road in Santa Teresa, one where cars and people walked past at all hours of the day and night, encouraged by the budding culinary scene and the quaint bistros that dotted its length. The studio came equipped with everything she needed – a soft box, some red and white heads, and a white back drop that dominated the wall. Black out curtains hung by the window. There was space enough to work, couches in one corner and a kitchenette in another. There was a smaller room next to the bathroom that could be used as a changing room and another room for storage. The walls were predominantly white although the wall facing into the stairwell was made of old red brick giving the space a warmer aspect. It was shabby chic. A few months ago she would have scoffed at working in such a space but what choice did she have? Maybe she would have to reinvent herself, to bring in and explore these elements in her work. Perhaps this could be a good thing. At least she hoped so. Although truth be told she wondered how she would feel greeting her models in this place, many of whom she had used with previous campaigns in her old house.

And it felt strange to be back in her old neighbourhood and yet not in her house. She'd had that house since she was twenty, a gift from her father and it had been her base ever since. Perhaps that is why she felt like she'd been flung out of her orbit. She'd driven past the house a few times in the last couple of months and had seen it was coming up for auction along with so much of what was inside and it made her feel so sad and angry. She knew she just had to take a deep breath and deal with it otherwise she'd end up paralysed by the life she'd had and the life she had to live now. Clara was right that she couldn't change what was done and was it not better to face these challenges with a smile on her face?

She'd done her budget and she had enough money to cover the next three months of rent . Three months to figure out how to make this work, how to manage the business and bring in money so she could start rebuilding. She hated thinking of her profession in these terms, as a means to earn money but she was so grateful that she had a profession to fall back on. Her mum may have provided her with the passion but it was her father who had pushed her to make something of it. So many of her private school friends had not done that. Most had already married some successful man with deep pockets and their life revolved around being a wife, a mother, a home maker. Not that she had anything against that but for obvious reasons that was not to be her path. And something about being financially dependent on a spouse had always irked her feminist tendencies, she didn't want to be like that. It was only now, though, as she looked back on her adult life thus far that she realised that she may have forged a career as a photographer but that she had never actually been independent. She'd relied on others to prop her up the whole time. She'd relied on her father and Vanessa. She'd spurned shouldering responsibility with the ease that entitlement gave her. Money came, money went, it wasn't a concern she needed to bother herself with and she had spent accordingly. No expenses spared. Only now those people on whom she'd relied were gone and Marina was learning the true cost of her irresponsibility, because that is what it was. Irresponsibility. A deafness to the practicalities that, if she were honest, she had felt immune to because of a father who had never said no to any of her whims and whose cheque book had always been open. She both envied and was equally embarrassed at this old life, at how spoilt she had been. She'd lain awake at night, Clara slept wrapped up in her arms, and called out to that omnipotent consciousness, promising that if she ever gained back what she'd lost, she would not take it for granted. Never again.

Her thoughts thus preoccupied, she failed to hear the door open, the footsteps approach until she felt a pair of hands covering her eyes. She smiled, pulling at them, her nose brushing against the delicate skin of a wrist, breathing in the scent. She pulled at the arms until a pair of breasts pressed against her back and she turned her head, seeking out lips that pressed softly against hers.

"I wasn't expecting you, my love."

"Well, as it would happen Claudio wanted me to pick up a very important package from an artist in the area so I brought us some lunch. I can't stay long but I wanted to see how you were getting on."

"Well as you can see, it's a bit of a mess." Marina gestured to the boxes of files, photographs and pieces of material spilling across the floor. "I didn't get to keep much but I didn't realise that not much was actually quite a lot!"

Clara moved to the coffee table, opening up a paper bag and withdrew two baguettes thick with lettuce, tomato, cucumber, cheese and a Dijon mustard – reminiscent of a sandwich they'd shared in Paris. She also produced two iced-coffees in cans and a punnet of strawberries.

Pulling down brightly coloured cushions onto the floor they settled side by side.

"So I'm going to check out a flat tonight." Clara said as she cracked open her can with a snap and took a sip. "Two bedrooms, perfect location and rent I can afford!"

"Sounds like exactly what you want. Where is it?"

"Get this – two stories above my old place!"

"Are you serious?"

"Yes! Old Mrs. Rodriguez is moving to San Paolo to be with her son and she heard I needed a place. She asked me to drop by."

"Oh Clarinha, that sounds perfect."

"I'm having a coffee with her after work!"

Clara had spent the last few weeks viewing apartments every night after work. Marina had accompanied her a few times but everything close to Ivan that was within her price range had been rather dire.

"I'm so pleased." Marina said, squeezing Clara's hand briefly and turning to her sandwich.

Clara paused beside her.

"What is it?" she asked.

Marina chewed and swallowed "What? Nothing. I'm really happy for you."

"Honey – what I love about us is that we are honest with each other – always."

"It's nothing, it's stupid."

"Marina, almost every time that I've talked about finding a place you've gotten all... quiet about it. Tell me." Clara said seeking her out with her eyes.

Marina picked up a shredded piece of lettuce that had fallen on the waxed paper the sandwich had come in and placed it back into the baguette.

"I guess I feel left out."

"What do you mean, left out?"

"As in... I wish we were doing it together."

"Looking for an apartment?"

"Yeah. I just... I hate where I live, I want to leave but I can't right now not unless I share the rent with someone and to be honest the only person I would want to live with would be you … and you haven't asked me."

"Oh."

"So I feel left out."

Clara leaned over the edge of the table, placing her hand on Marina's.

"I'm sorry you feel like that. You know that it's never my intention to make you feel left out, ever. Marina, you and Ivan are the two most precious people in my life. But you understand why this is not possible right now, don't you?"

"Cadu." Marina said flatly.

"Yes."

Marina looked out the window at the white building across the street and the blue sky above it.

"It's always about Cadu." she said.

"He's my ex-husband. And he's still someone very important in my life and that of my son's."

"It just seems we're always having to put him before us, you know? Every step of the way he's there, between us."

"I can't help that, Marina. That's the situation, unfortunately. It's hard, I know it's hard."

A pause.

"Sometimes I feel like you like it like that." Marina said, almost to herself.

"Marina, are you suggesting that I enjoy this situation? That I want to have to be cautious about us, that I want to have to censor what I say around him in case he flips out?"

"Of course I'm not! But sometimes I just wish... I don't know..."

She wanted to explain better but she couldn't find the words and so she ended up flapping her hands around aimlessly.

"Then what are you saying, Marina? Are you saying you're not...that you're not happy with me?"

"No! No, I'm not saying that at all, Clara, I'm just tired! I'm tired of all these obstacles all the time, it just never seems to end. And I just want something to be simple and straight forward in my life for once!"

"You don't think that I don't want that too? That I wouldn't love it if I didn't have to worry about what Cadu or Ivan or my mother or what anyone else thinks?"

"I know you do."

"Then why are you suggesting that I like this? That's unfair!"

"So you're saying that if you were totally free to, you'd want to move in with me?"

Clara bit her lip.

"That's what I thought! You're hiding behind Cadu as an excuse!"

"I'm not hiding, Marina ! I – where the hell is this all coming from?!"

An unwelcome rap at the door pierced the sudden silence between them. Marina rose to open it. Her shoulders felt tense and her throat constricted.

"Dad!?" she cried when she saw who was there. There he stood after two months of total silence, dressed in his Armani shirt and slacks, looking relaxed and unconcerned with a bunch of flowers in his hands.

"Daughter!" he cried and drew her in for a hug, crushing her to his chest. He greeted Clara with a kiss on the cheek.

"I don't want to be rude, Mr. Mereille, but I have to get back to work." Clara said when the required pleasantries had been exchanged. She collected her partly eaten lunch and turned to Marina. "I'll see you later." she said and left.

There wasn't anything necessarily cold in Clara's goodbye but Marina sensed it – Clara was upset at her – and she felt like she was about three inches tall. She felt terrible.


	23. Chapter 23

Can you believe it's been over 3 months since I started posting. Cray.

In response to a couple of the reviewers - indeed, I did leave the end of Ch 21 hanging - I return to that thread in this chapter. Out of curiosity, did it jar to skip like that or were you okay with where I started ch22?

Also: WARNING! the end of the chapter gets steamy, so if you there are places you shouldn't be reading this... then don't. ;)

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

Marina's eyes watched the door that Clara had just exited.

"Where have you been?" Marina asked her father abruptly, swinging around to look at him.

"I've been busy."

"You've been busy? You've been too busy to think about your daughter and how all this might be affecting her? Too busy to call or, I don't know, email!? I've been worried sick, dad, quite besides the fact that I've lost everything. Everything!"

"Daughter, daughter! I wanted to, believe me, but my situation has been delicate and I couldn't risk any contact in case they came down on you."

"Well they did come down on me, dad, like vulchers picking away at my flesh, leaving me nothing. I've had to go live with Branca of all people because I can't afford to rent, let alone buy. I've lost my business, Vanessa, you weren't responding to any of my messages and I'm forced to share this - this space because this is all I can manage right now!"

Diego looked down at the peace lily's he'd held in his hand. Marina could see she'd affected him, that she'd attacked his weak spot and she felt a twinge. But mostly she felt pissed off. He'd unceremoniously yanked her safety net away from her and she was still in free fall, any moment she could hit rock bottom and it would hurt. How could he stand at her doorway with flowers and think it would be okay?

"I'm sorry." he said sadly.

They stood a moment and then Marina wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him tight.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." she said, "I've been worried sick is all, where have you been?"

"In Switzerland trying to save what I could."

"Tell me, what happened? Have they taken everything?"

"They've taken everything they could get their hands on."

"Come, sit. Can I get you anything? I'm afraid I can only offer water or tea."

"A water will be fine."

As she searched for a glass in the kitchenette he explained how the authorities had been circling for some time now, how his business partner of over a decade had sworn black and blue that their money was clean. But it wasn't. He shook his head as he said this, his shoulders drooping and he looked old in the moment before he collected himself. He said he'd finally decided it was time to come back and face whatever consequences awaited him. Marina's anger at him dissapated a little as she listened. Her father wasn't infallible.

She placed the glass on the table and sat down next to him.

"Does this mean you could go to jail, dad?"

The thought prickled down her spine and settled uncomfortably in her stomach.

"I don't know. Maybe. My lawyers aren't sure. But more importantly I've let you down, Marina. And for that I am truly sorry. I know it's been hard on you."

"I've been mad at you, you know, but mostly because you didn't call and let me know what was happening or how you were. I needed you."

"I'm sorry," he said again and Marina could see how much he meant it. "Tell me everything that's happening with you."

Marina surprised herself by bursting into tears.

Xxx

Although Clara had presented an interested face to Mrs Rodriguez, answered all the question and remembered to ask after her son, she had been distracted. Her mind had been replaying the argument with Marina. This was their first proper disagreement as a couple and she guessed she should have expected it but they had always been in such accordance with each other that she simply hadn't been able to imagine they ever would. Marina's accusations scraped over her consciousness. She was still thinking about it as she descended a few flights to make Ivan dinner and put him to bed and was about to enter the flat when she heard the sound of her mum calling her name. She turned around.

"Can we talk?" Chica said.

They hadn't spoken properly since the family dinner two weeks ago. Their interactions had been brief, perfunctory and due only to Ivan. Every time she saw her mother, Clara's heart had begun to race and she'd hoped Chica wouldn't look at her with that wounded gaze, but every time she did. Every time Clara had tried to say something, Chica had cut her off. Every time it hurt.

She'd begun to wonder if this was to be the new status quo. Barely amicable. It felt like all her relationships were somehow crumbling and all she'd been trying to do was make it all okay, torn between dividing forces that pulled her this way and that. What else could she possibly do?

Ivan was fed and in his bedroom finishing his homework before bed. Cadu was out for the evening. With a hot tea clasped in their hands, Clara waited for Chica to start.

"I'm sorry I haven't come to talk to you sooner, Clara but I... I just... I've been trying to understand, you know? It's been a shock. A real shock. Finding out my daughter is... well, that she left a beautiful husband behind and that she's seeing a woman, ...I'm struggling to understand."

"I'm sorry you had to find out like that..."

"What is this Clara? Why did you do it? Is it a phase? Are you just bored of your relationship?"

"No."

"Did this Marina seduce you with her money, her exciting lifestyle? Is that it?"

"No! That's not it at all, mum. I mean, yes, I love what she does, it's different and fascinating, but you know me – I'm not someone to forget myself because of that."

"Aren't you? She's turned your head! She photographed you, threw you that party and you let her."

"But it's not those things that turned my head, mum."

"Then what was it? Were you bored? Are you unsatisfied in the bedroom? Were you curious to know what it was like to be with a woman?"

"Gosh! No, mum! Cadu and I, we were fine, I had no complaints and it wasn't boredom -"

"Then what? And a woman? A man I can understand, it's natural to be tempted, but a woman - "

"What's unnatural about a woman?"

"It's just wrong. It's not how God intended - "

"How do you know that? How can you say what God intended? If he hadn't intended it, why allow it in the first place, why even make that an option?"

"Well why allow the devil and hell? Purgatory? Evil forces like Hitler?"

Clara felt a prickling down her spine because even though she believed deeply that it wasn't wrong she had asked herself that same question and all she'd ended up with was a question mark. She groped for the one thing she knew for sure.

"How can love be wrong?"

Chic clasped the ceramic mug tightly in her hand.

"Is that what it is?"

"Unequivocally. Nothing less than the deepest, truest love could have made me leave Cadu. Not curiosity, not boredom."

"Oh."

They sat in the silence that ensured.

"Did... was it me, Clara? Did I do something to make you like this? With your father dying... maybe you needed a stronger role model in your life? Is that it?"

Chica's voice was tentative, vulnerable. Clara knew it had taken a lot for her to ask this question. She reached for her mothers hand and kissed it.

"No." Clara whispered, "You've been an amazing mum – I couldn't have asked for better. It has nothing to do with that..."

"I want to be okay with this, you know. I think... I hope I will be. I just need time."

"Okay."

Chica squeezed her hand. "I love you Clara. Above all know that. No matter what happens, be it a phase... or not."

Clara felt tears pricking her eyes, "This isn't a phase, mum, this isn't an experiment. This is who I am and who I've always been, I just didn't know it. And if I have my way I want to be with Marina for a very long time. Forever, even."

Chica breathed in. "How can you know that, Clara?"

"How did you know about you and Ricardo?"

Chica paused. "I guess I just did."

"Same. Sure, it's unconventional and different, but ma... she makes me feel alive! She makes me feel like I can be so much more than I ever thought. It's like she's peeled away this...this thick layer of skin that I didn't know I had, that muted my experience of being alive and exposed the real me that was dormant underneath. I don't know how to explain it – but it just feels more right than anything I've ever experienced. And it's worth it. All the prejudice, the looks, people talking behind my back, it's worth it just as any real, honest love is. I just hope you can eventually be okay with it."

The tears that fell were of sadness for a mother who didn't understand but equally of joy for the beauty of what she and Marina had. It moved through her and made her feel so humble, so grateful.

"I'll try," Chica said, shaking her head. "I don't get it, but I'll try."

Chica raised a hand to wipe away the tears and then she opened her arms up to her daughter who leaned in, laying her head on her chest, a chest that always been there, even now. She felt arms wrap around her, she felt a kiss on her head just like when she was a little girl.

"There, there, don't cry." Chica crooned softly

A tension she'd held in her throat for the past two weeks seemed to release out with each new tear that ran down her cheek. Her mother thought she was wrong and that hurt but at least she was here and she was trying. That was good enough for now.

Xxx

After thinking about it far too much, Marina found herself knocking at Helena's front door at eleven o'clock at night. Helena seemed surprised but greeted her warmly and told her Clara was having a shower. Marina entered Luiza's old bedroom to hear the sound of running water through the en-suite door.

She and her father had spent some time talking that afternoon. When he'd left it had been with a sense of reconciliation although she couldn't lie. His total absence couldn't be forgotten in the space of a few hours. After he left her, her thoughts had turned to Clara and she'd pulled out her cellphone to call but she hadn't known what to say or if Clara even wanted to hear from her right then. She hadn't been kind, she knew, she'd allowed her frustrations to get the better of her, even though she'd sworn to herself she wouldn't let that happen right from the start. She'd known it would be like this. Clara had responsibilities.

Placing her bag on the bed and shipping out of her shoes, she stepped into the bathroom. The glass of the shower was frosted with condensation but she could make out the shape of Clara's body, the curve of her waist, her legs. Her arms were raised, massaging the shampoo from her hair, turning as she did to reveal the silhouette of a small breast. Marina hesitated a moment before her hand rose to clasp the silver door handle and pulled. Clara yelped, turning around.

"Marina! What are you doing?"

Water sprayed across her dress making it cling to her body.

"I'm sorry." she said, "about today. I wasn't being fair."

She looked at Clara, whose hair was plastered to her head, rivulets of water down her cheek, droplets on her eyelashes, blinking slowly.

"You weren't being unfair."

"No, no I was. I understand how tenuous your situation is... and I'm sorry."

Marina stepped in.

"Forgive me?"

Clara cracked a smile.

"There's nothing to forgive, you mad thing."

She slowly reached for Marina's hand and placed them on her hips. Marina pulled her close, searching her eyes to make sure she spoke the truth. She could could feel Clara's naked body through the material of her dress, those soft, inviting curves. Her hands slide around her back, sliding over wet skin, pressing her in, kissing her shoulder, her neck.. Clara sighed, arching her neck. When she pulled back their gaze locked and Marina felt a thrill of anticipation at what she saw in Clara's eye. Their lips met, moving slowly together building until, suddenly, it was as if an electric charge leapt between them making them hungry. Marina pushed Clara back against the glass pane and deepened the kiss, sliding her tongue between Clara's lips, grasping possesivley at her ass, opening her wide enough to slide a thigh between her legs. She felt Clara's hands tug impatiently at her dress, peeling it up and over her head. It fell heavy on the floor, her bra and panties following. Their bodies came together again, slippery wet, their breath short, the shower hot on their skin as if they wanted to consume each other.

Marina moved down Clara's body, taking each dusky nipple in her mouth in turn, tracing her tongue around the areola, flicking and sucking, increasing the pressure until Clara bit her lip and groaned. She kissed her way down the taunt belly, hands sliding over the curve of the torso, moving lower until she buried her face between shapely tanned legs. Her tongue darted out, seeking the throbbing bundle of nerves, tracing the fleshy lips that kept it hidden, dipping in, tasting her salty juices mixed with water. She felt Clara arch against her mouth. God how she loved it when she did that. She loved how freely Clara gave of herself in sex. She didn't hold back. It was heady to know she had Clara willingly at her mercy, to be given access to this sacred, private part of herself. This was her privilege and her privilege alone. She'd sensed this passion, tied up and pushed deep down within her when they'd first met, tantalising her with the promise of what could be. She'd spent nights frustrated and aching for a touch that wasn't yet hers, her own hand serving as a poor, if necessary, substitute. But even the hottest fantasies were not equal to kneeling between Clara's thighs and having her. She sipped delicately and looked up to see Clara cupping her own breast, pinching her nipple, her head banging against the glass as she threw it back, eyes closed. Marina growled and pulled a leg over her shoulder to spreading her wider. She knew she had it right when the little cries built in intensity with each steady stroke, getting louder, more jagged. Clara's hand cradled the back of her head, holding her there.

"Oh god, yes, oh god yes," she gasped, her chest heaving, stomach muscles rippling with each shudder that moved through her until Clara let out a keening cry, her body tensing, her supporting leg shaking.

"Stop, stop." she said when she began to breath again, sliding down to join Marina on the floor. "Wow. "

"But you taste so delicious." Marina said.

"Let me taste."

Clara pulled Marina to straddle her lap for a deep kiss. Marina's sensitive nipples grazed against Clara's skin and a shiver slid down her spine. Even after months of having Clara she still ached for her touch all the time. Never before had it been like this.

She traced her tongue on Clara's lower lip and pressesd her body in as her lover's nails scrapped down her back.

"Fuck me, Clara" Marina whispered hot in her ear and then watched Clara's pupils dilate.

Clara maneuvered her until they stood, turning her so that her hands pressed against the glass door, her legs splayed. Clara's pelvis pressed against her buttocks, her hands running over the red marks she'd just made on the fair skin of her back, then around to her cup her breasts. She rocked back on her feet before plunging two fingers in from behind. Marina cried out, heat radiating out, pulsing to the thrusting rhythm Clara set. She didn't know if her legs would hold her so she leaned against her hands and let the arm that Clara wound around her torso support her. She felt Clara lick a drop of water from her neck before kissing her there, her mouth resting against a fleshy earlobe.

"You are so fucking sexy." Clara breathed and pumped her hand faster, making Marina arch up, her head falling onto Clara's shoulder. She turned her face in and her arm curved back, pulled Clara in for a kiss. The weight of her body pushed them backwards into the tiled shower wall. Clara pulled out only to re-enter from the front, the base of her palm pressing firmly against her clit. Marina groaned pushing her ass until it fit snugly against Clara's pubic bone and rocked. Clara was panting in her ear, intoxicating her with her seductive moans, making her pussy ache as her body began to tense for release, then fingers clamped her nipple and her body contracted as she tumbled into an orgasm that burned all the way from her head to her toes. When the sensation subsided, she found they were on the floor. They caught their breath, the water raining down on them.

Marina began to laugh. "You just came again, didn't you?"

"Mmmmhmmm." Clara said, kissing her cheek. "Maybe we should have spats more often."

"No thanks." Marina said. "I hated it."

"Yeah, me too. But you were right, you know."

"I was?"

"I have been using Cadu as an excuse - because I'm sacred, Marina."

"Scared of us?"

"No. Scared of telling Ivan because I want him to accept you in my life and I don't know how he'll take it. My divorce has been hard on him. Scared of what Cadu might do. Legally we may be a legitimate couple but it's not really accepted and you've had years to learn how to be okay with being gay. For me it's so new – what sharing a home would imply for my life and for Ivan's."

"I understand, I do. I just got frustrated today, you know?"

"And rightly so."

"But I had no right to take it out on you."

"Didn't you once say we take out our frustrations on those we love most?"

"And didn't you say that's no excuse?"

Clara pressed her face into Marina's neck and sighed.

"I don't know what I did to deserve you."

"Believe me, I'm the lucky one. Now how about we get out of the shower before we become prunes, huh?" and they laughed.


End file.
